Lawlessness45's Diary

[lawlessness45]

8-23-14
Ok, so I’m not doing so hot today. Yesterday was difficult. I ended up sleeping most of the day. This was after I got some paperwork in the mail that totally overwhelmed me. So, as much as I don’t want to admit it, my family is right. If I can’t deal with a little paperwork without freaking out and subsequently sleeping for 6 hours then I am not ready to be on my own yet. This is just so frustrating. When will I be ready? When will I be recovered enough to return to my life? I miss being a regular adult. I miss being a regular person. I know I keep saying that over and over again, but I just want to be able to live without being so overwhelmed by every little thing. How do I get to that point? There is the frustration. I don’t know how to get from where I am to where I want to be. Hopefully I’ll be able to figure it out some day. And I don’t know what is going on with me, but I seem to have developed mild anxiety. Anytime I drive anywhere or have to do anything I get that sick nervous feeling in my stomach. I have to psyche myself up to get things done. Like going to the cleaners. Or the store. I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me till this week, when I had to do things by myself. I didn’t admit how much it was affecting me because I didn’t want to admit I am not ready to be on my own. If I’m being honest, a part of me would rather go back to regular life and just take the risk of being hospitalized again. I can’t actually tell anyone that though. I’m not sure why I feel like I have to guard that little tidbit of information. I guess I just don’t want to hear the disappointment in my mother’s voice when I admit that. I almost think it would be better if I was just permanently hospitalized. I wouldn’t have to try so damned hard. It would be horrible, but at least I wouldn’t have to struggle to live daily life with everything mapped out for me. Then again, what do I know? I’m making broad assumptions about permanent hospitalization and what it would be like, when I actually have no idea and have done no research. And I’m sure I would hate it. I’m assuming it would be very similar to being hospitalized in a crisis center, with daily activities and tons of groups and set meal times/bed times. It would be restrictive and I would chafe against it terribly. But at least I wouldn’t have to fight against my own brain to stay safe. To feel safe. God, I know it’s wrong to think like this. I know I should want to do things on my own and get better, but sometimes it is just so exhausting. Ok…now that I’ve got that down on paper I feel a little better. Keeping that feeling bottled up really hasn’t done any good. And I don’t want to be permanently hospitalized. I want to get better. I want to be able have a life again. And I’m doing better than I was in June. It’s just such a slow process. It’s like that question, “would you rather have 100 dollars now, or 1000 dollars in a year.” I need to wait for the 1000 dollars. It’s just so damn hard when I want things to be better NOW. Patience has never been my strong suite.

Lawlessness45

[manuel_moe_g]

Boy howdy, do I relate to all this, lawlessness45.

To be self loving, I imagine that I am the captain of a small boat, and my 6-year-old self and my 13-year-old self are below deck in the bunks. I am trying to stay ahead of a storm moving. But the little boat gets tossed around sometimes and the children below deck get hurt, even I try to sail calm and level. When they get hurt, I sooth and give compassion to my 6-year-old self and my 13-year-old self.

But my boat get rocked by the tiniest things, and that makes me feel sad and overwhelmed. Instead of showering last night, I just lay on the bathroom floor.

Please take care, lawlessness45. Give yourself the gift of patience with yourself, because you deserve it. There is irrefutable evidence that you are growing in capability. We care about you, and we are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!!!

[lawlessness45]

9-10-14
I don’t really have much to say. I guess I’ve got to stop trying to convince people I’m ok and just start living my life. Not worrying about what they think, or whether they think I’m ready or not. If I just live my life, maybe that in it self will convince them. Or maybe not. But at least I wouldn’t waste so much energy worrying about it. I am getting better. It’s taking longer than I’d like it to, but I can say I am at least making progress. I’m starting to drive places by myself again, which is kinda a big deal. Like I’ve driven to my therapist 2 times already. Didn’t get lost or freak out or anything. I was pretty tense the whole time, but I still did ok. That is an achievement.

I still don’t know what to do about the whole God thing. I joined a recovery group at a church near here just to have something to do and in desperate hopes that it would help me. So far it’s been difficult. I have a lot of anger toward god, and the version of god painted by the church. I’m trying to feel my way along, discover my version of god—a god who walks with me no matter what and is my friend, not a god who is a condescending parent that gets angry when I “turn away from him”. What does that even mean? “Walking away from god”? They always say god is with you no matter what, then they throw out lines like “god hasn’t moved away from you, you’ve moved away from god.” Like it’s always my fault that I’m struggling. Well, I’m tired of being the “bad” one in the relationship. I want a relationship with god that is more of a friendship, where we are on even ground. Trying to have a relationship with someone who is “above you” in terms of power is difficult. Especially if that person is supposedly all knowing and all powerful. Who wants to serve a god like that? I’d prefer to serve a god who I actually like and like to hang around with. I’m tired of being the low man on the totem pole, so I’m trying to find different ways to relate to god. Which, after a life time of evangelical propaganda, is very difficult. That stuff runs deep. Especially cause I know all the “right” answers, and some part of me still worries that I’m not doing it right because I’m trying to look at god differently. I just don’t want to be punished for trying to find a version of god I can tolerate, and there is a deep seeded fear that I will be. Goes to show you what my religious upbringing was. God was a dude who beat you over the head with painful “lessons” because he wanted to teach you something and supposedly “loved you”. How can someone love you who puts you through pain to “teach” you something? I’m starting to come to the conclusion that my version of god, or the version of god I’ve been taught about, is all wrong. Like, it was misinterpreted—someone got a translation wrong somewhere or their interpretation of god is skewed. But, I don’t have to believe in their interpretation of god. I can believe in my own. The thought just scares me a little, because I’ve been told over and over that interpreting god differently than he is taught by evangelical Christianity is wrong. Not a sin per say, but wrong. And being wrong about god, who is like a really big deal, is well…a big deal. At the same time I know what my heart is saying and what my heart wants. I’ve talked to my mother about this and she has been really helpful. We’ve both been damaged by this version of god, her more so than me, I think. But she told me something that I found helpful. She said, “view everything as a learning experience, you can learn or absorb something good from everything. You don’t have to agree with everything they are saying or teaching, but you can get something good out of it.” So I think that’s what I’m going to try to do with this recovery group. Take what good tidbits I can and to hell with the rest. We’ll see how effective I am at that. I’m kinda thinking I might not be very effective. But I’m going to give it my best effort to get something good out of this. The people were surprisingly nice and very open, which for a church is basically unheard of. And I think that’s why I want to stay. Because the people were so different than what I expected that I’m interested to hear their version of god. Interested to hear their stories and paths of recovery. And maybe that needs to be my focus. Not the god aspect, but the people, and how they’ve overcome challenges in their life. Hmm…didn’t think of that before. Guess it’s good I got all this out in the open. The people are what really matter anyway. Not my version of god, but the people around me who I can be an encouragement to and who can encourage me. Ha. Now I’m kinda excited to go. To see what next week brings. I’ll keep try to keep that perspective. If I can do that then I probably can get something out of this group.

Oh, I lost a pound. That is exciting. I’m down to 172.9. Not consistently though. Today I weighted 173.3, so that was a little discouraging, but that was after I ate and with all my clothes on. So I’m sure that counts for the discrepancy. At least I hope. But hey, I’m ok with those numbers. I’m trying to get to 170, so I perfectly ok as long as it is below 175. I’ve seem to hit a wall and I’ve been stuck at 175 for the longest time. So this is an exciting development. Especially because I’m actually doing it in a healthy way. I’m eating right and exercising. Not as much as I should be exercising, but at least it’s something. I’m focusing on snacking on healthy things and limiting my sugar intake. Not obsessively, but I am at least aware of it and can choose better and healthier choices. Fruit takes care of sugar cravings surprisingly well. All it takes is usually 1 apple or peach and I don’t want that candy bar anymore. Hahaha. It just looses it’s appeal. Guess that’s what it’s like when you are trying to get healthy. I will admit, I didn’t eat too much for breakfast, so I’m probably going to have to eat lunch soon. But I’m, just so proud of myself for being aware. I’m not starving myself anymore. I’m eating 3 meals a day and 2-3 snacks. And they are good healthy meals that include veggies and protein and a carb. I’m trying to balance things out. And it’s finally become a habit. The first 2 months were brutal—trying to get back in the swing of eating healthy and snacking on healthy things. But I feel like I’ve broken that cycle, which is really encouraging. Now if I could just get rid of all my zits and back fat. Haha. Guess there is always something about ourselves we don’t like. Solve one problem and another one pops up. At least I have a good attitude about it though.

I think the meds are starting to work better. I almost don’t want to say that because I’m paranoid that I’m going to jinx it. But I don’t think I can jinx it. At least not today. Things are looking up. I’m feeling better and have more energy, even if I really just wanted to stay in bet this morning.
Oh, I just finished reading and excellent book series called “Divergent”. It was glorious to sit down and just devour a book. It’s been a good year since I’ve been able to do that. My mind seems to not be so loud and my emotions, while still on the blah and down side, aren’t as dark. So I really feel like things are getting better. Now, who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow, but today, things are going well. And today is all that matters.
Lawlessness45

[lawlessness45]

9-12-14

Well, that little bit of relief kinda went kaput. The last 2 days have been on the low side, and all I want to do today is sleep so I don’t have to be awake with my thoughts. Problem is I know that will freak people out, so maybe I’ll go play video games or something. Of course, I could do what I’m supposed to do and work on my mothers website, but even that seems like a drag. Maybe I’ll give it a try. At the very least it will keep me occupied for an hour. 1 hour in a 12 hour day. Great...

Ok, well I worked on the website a bit. I feel a tiny bit better. I got a few things straightened out so I feel a bit better. My kidney function is up to 16 percent! It hasn’t been that high in nearly 5 years. I knew getting off the hyzzar would probably bring it up a few points but I’m a little surprised it went up a whole 3 points. Maybe this doctor knows what he is doing. I haven’t trusted anyone other than Corrigan in such a long time. I just figured everyone else didn’t know what they were doing. Of course, having a doctor lecture you about not getting pregnant for 30 minutes on the first visit probably had a lot to do with my not trusting anyone other than Corrigan. At least Ariff didn’t do that. That probably is what made me less wary of him. He treated me like more than a single female. He treats me like a whole person. We may be going back to CO for a few days. Going to drive there, which is brutal. But I’m excited none the less. Looking forward to it at least. If we go. There is some speculation that we may not. It seems no one is quite set on the idea.

God, I need to take a shower. I reek. I don’t know whats so hard about showering. I know I’m doing better because I am at least aware of it now. But still, it seems like such a chore to do, even though it takes less than 15 minutes for me to get in and get out. IDK…depression is a strange thing. It makes even the simplest task seem like a huge ordeal.

Called SM got another forbearance. This one lasts till December. Hopefully I’ll have some news by then. That is a bit of a relief. Just a small bit, but better than nothing I suppose. I seem to like that phrase a lot. I suppose. It’s a good phrase, I think. Even if it makes me sound wishy-washy and uncertain. I think I’m going to try and fill out some of the recovery work book. I’ve been avoiding it because it pisses me off so much. But if I don’t do it today, who knows when I’ll do it. Gah….

Well, I’m going to start the arduous task of taking a shower. I’ll probably feel better afterwards anyway.
Lawlessness45

[manuel_moe_g]

I don’t know whats so hard about showering. I know I’m doing better because I am at least aware of it now. But still, it seems like such a chore to do, even though it takes less than 15 minutes for me to get in and get out.

Preach it!

Please take care, lawlessness45, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[lawlessness45]

9-30-14
Ok. So my doctor keeps talking about dialysis. I thought I had more time. Each doctor treats it differently. Dr.A wants to start me on dialysis while Dr.C wanted to wait until I was down to 10 percent. I’m so bloody confused. Overwhelmed. I wish I knew the right decision. Maybe there is no “right” decision. Maybe there is just different decisions. But I still wish I knew the right one. I’m going to call transplant tomorrow and see what my status is. Maybe that will help me decide. More likely than not it will just confuse me more. But at least it is worth a shot, right? God. I went to a dialysis class today. It took about 2 hours and there was a plethora of information. Good information, but a lot to take in at once. I wish I hadn’t quit my job. But at that point in time there was no other option. If I had gone back to work I would’ve just kept ending up in the hospital again and again. It just complicates things so much now. Not having income. I keep going back and forth trying to decide if I should get a job down here or not. It would complicate things so much if I did, but it complicates things just as much not having one. just want everything to be ok. I want to go back to my life with no complications. But life doesn’t work like that. There are always complications. I just don’t want to think about it anymore….
Lawlessness45

[lawlessness45]

10/24/14

Life isn’t beautiful.

It’s a scrabbling, scuffling, strain

A morass mess of

Tangled, tortured, twisted

souls stalwartly struggling to

Subsist on sickening scraps



Scraps thrown down by

Atrocious acolytes who

Preach, pell-mell, the perils of peace

Heartily hearkening heartbreak



While we exist, apart from them

Like winged worms,

lovely and lackluster

leveling lives with

clumsy hands.

I don't know what you want from me. I can't exist like you, believing in only possibilities. By god, I wish I saw the world through your eyes. I might then gain some form of peace, some form of rest from this weary belief in evil. I don't know what you wan't from me. I cannot count on the possibility that this went through. Counting on that is like counting on the stars to guide you in the day time. They may be there, but they offer no assistance. I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry my out look is so bleak. I feel I have to be this way to survive. For to hope in something better means to hope in something more. And I cannot hope for more than meager scraps. Because to hope means to possibly be disappointed. What a bleak way to exist. And I'm trying. Trying to exist better, in a more acceptable and lively way, where I accept life for what it is and see the hope in it. But I am weak. I cannot see the forest through the trees. Is that the expression? I hope it is. I don't know whats gotten in to me. I was doing well. Getting better. Now, all I seem to be able to manage is to survive. Again. I don't want to, but I have to. I thought I was past this. What a sorry state I am in. I am not as bad as i used to be, but i can feel it. Crawling around the edges of my brain, waiting to slip back in. It hasn't taken over yet. If I take proper precautions it may not. It all comes down to waiting. Life is one big waiting game, after all.

Life isn't about what you want. It's about what you get. Tell the starving children in Africa, the orphans in Russia and the abused children in the U.S. about that philosophy. Tell them about the universe returning good for good. What did they ever do to deserve the bad that has come their way? The universe has not rewarded them. The universe is not some benign being or force. It too is struggling for existence and survival. Why should we, such small, insignificant creatures, be any different?

No, life is not beautiful. There are small tidbits of beauty, and we must cling to those where we find them. But life itself...is nothing more than a struggle for the next mouthful of air.

wow. That was pretty depressing. But I somehow feel better. Life can be more than a struggle for the next mouthful of air. Remember that, self.

Lawlessness45

[lawlessness45]

Dear Diary,

Well, I just spent the last 2 hours applying for jobs. SSI didn’t come through, so I’m going to try and get a job and see how that goes. Right now, I feel like I could deal with it. It might be pretty difficult, but I think I could do it. I’m aiming for 20 hrs a week. We will see how I do. I’m pretty nervous about it. Just about dealing with the people. At least I’m not self sabotaging like I did with my first application. I failed the personality profile. Which was ridiculous because I’ve worked for that company before. I worked for them for 2 years and left on very good terms. They didn’t want me to leave and assured me there would ‘always be a space for me’. But I didn’t even make it past the damn personality assessment. It upset me at first—just frustrated me because I thought it was a sure fire thing, but now it just seems more humorous than anything. To be perfectly honest, the idea of going back there made my skin crawl anyway. Probably a sign I didn’t need to stick myself back into that environment. So I went for the next best thing (or just the next thing, probably not the best). Walmart. Yep. I gave in and applied at walmart. I pass their assessment at least. Maybe they will hire me on. Maybe not. My availability is a bit limited right now. Not because I’m actually unavailable but because I have to be careful not to completely overwhelm myself. I need to take things pretty slow right now. Of course we will see how that goes. I will probably be thrown in at 30 hours a week. Trial by fire, right? If I can survive that I know I can do ok.
My motivation is still pretty shot, but I am getting things done. I still have a hard time getting up in the mornings. Or not really hard time. I wake up around 8 am. I just usually got back to bed because, why not? I have nothing I have to be up for to motivate me in the first place. My mother says I need to be intrinsically motivated and not motivated by external things. All I could say today was, “well, that’s never gonna happen.” Lets just say today is a bit of a downer day. Or at least, it was. Now I’m not doing too bad. I went on a walk with my mother and talked about some things. And then I came back ready to go. I just thought, “I’m going to apply. I’m going to do it damn it.” So I did. So I achieved something. Something I’ve been putting off. Every day for the last 2 weeks, I’ve been saying to myself, “you need to apply at walmart.” But I kept putting it off. Kept finding reasons not to apply. Probably because I know there is a good chance I will get hired there and that scares me a little. I’ll have to go back to dealing with the scum of humanity on a daily basis. But, depending on where I’m working, that might not be so bad. Depending on the department. I’ll just have to appear and act confident as fuck. Maybe working will help me get my confidence back. I certainly hope so. Of course, all this is speculation. I haven’t received a single call yet. And I may not. That is another possibility I will have to be ready for. The possibility that I am not a right fit and will not get a job right away. Or within the next few months. That is a little nerve wracking, but I’m trying to focus on the here and now, rather than future possibilities that I can’t control.
Because of all this stuff floating around in my head I’ve been having difficulty sleeping. I never seem to fall into a deep sleep and a few times this week I’ve had to sleep with a nightlight because when I slept in the dark my screwed up brain would scream at me. My brain screaming at me usually consists of very negative, self destructive fearful thoughts that won’t go away. I don’t know why the nightlight helps with that, but it does. It’s like, there is something other than the darkness to focus on. It breaks up the darkness and thus breaks up my negative thoughts. Or at least makes them more bearable. Maybe it’s because I feel alone in the dark, and with the light on I am reminded that I am not alone and that yes, I can deal with this. That needs to be my motto. Yes, I can deal with this.
I feel pretty good right now. I woke up pretty down, not even wanting to eat. But now, I feel motivated and just good in general. Which is a good thing. I am getting better. Firicken slow as hell, but I am getting better.
I desperately miss CO today. And the last few days. Even though it is like 1 degree there, I miss it. I miss how it makes me feel. Like I feel more like an adult there. Where as here…not so much. I’m hoping a job will help with that. If I get a job I can start to pay off some of my medical debt and get back on my feet. And If I can get back on my feet I may be able to start to save money and eventually look for an apartment. And eventually go back, if that is what I want to do. I don’t understand myself. A few weeks ago I wanted nothing to do with the place. But today…today I miss it. I keep thinking, “I could get a job at walmart in fal, and everything would go back to how it was.” Even though it wasn’t that good. At all. I seem to forget how absolutely terrible things were and how I hated it there. It’s like I have selective memory, and only remember what I miss and what I want to go back to. I don’t miss the cold. I don’t miss the ice. I miss the house. I miss my friends. I miss the independence and freedom I felt when I was there. Or feel when I’m there now. Previously that independence and freedom felt like death. So I guess that is a sign that I am getting better. That I want that feeling back.
I’ve realized that I don’t think about the future a lot. I focus mostly on the present. And I feel that has been detrimental to my life in a lot of ways. If I was thinking about the future I would’ve made a lot of different choices in my life. Like I would’ve taken that management job at walmart when it was offered to me. But I was just thinking about the present. Thinking about how I didn’t want the responsibility of a whole department, and how the stress would make me feel. I live a lot of my life based on present feelings rather than future realities. Like, my parents are getting older. And I need to be in a position to help my brother and sister support them one day. One day soon. Not super soon. They are only 50 and in pretty good health, but in 20 years maybe. The fact that I’ve never given that thought shocked me. There are a lot of things I’ve never given any thought. Like my own retirement, or being able to actually support myself long term. I’ve always focused so absolutely on getting through today or the next week or next month that I haven’t had time or energy to focus on the future. I want to change that, but I am not really sure how. I think getting my bills under control is a good first step. Of course that is going to take a lot of work, but I think I’m up for it. If all else fails I can just let everything go into default and have my wages garnished. I don’t want to do that because that would make getting an apartment nearly impossible , but those are my options. And I may have to do that if I don’t get a job soon. But I feel ok about that right now. At night, before I go to bed I probably wont. (That’s when the worry hits) but right now, I feel ok.
My med change has been…interesting. It has taken me a while to adjust to the lowered dosage. I didn’t really like it at first (I still don’t) because it makes everything much less…interesting. Or it evens me out, I suppose. I hated the racing thoughts, but I liked how I felt so unbelievable alive and good some of the time. Of course, that comes with crashes, so it was probably good we moved some things around a bit. I’m not sure what I’m going to tell my psychiatrist. Part of me wants to tell him it isn’t working because I miss that high feeling, but another part of me loathes the racing thoughts and being exhausted at the end of the day because of them. I will probably be honest and tell him that I feel a little boring, but I’m beginning to think that maybe boring is normal. It’s hard for me to identify what is normal anymore. But maybe this blah feeling is normal. Maybe real life is like this, and I’ve just been living in some screwed up version of reality where things were either really good or absolutely horrible. Maybe this is the in between where normal people live. It sure is boring. I wouldn’t say I’m flat, I just can’t seem to reach that happy stage. Maybe that’s what flat is. Things are…muted. I am muted. Like I can’t remember the last time I really smiled since I’ve been on this stuff. I seem to be on the low side. Just a general lack of internal motivation. I don’t even feel anything when my mother worries about it. I just feel like, “yeah, so what?” Like a lack of concern about things maybe? Maybe I do need to up it. I don’t know. I’ll talk with him about this. Maybe he will understand and we can discover a solution together. The only other alternative I know of is to up the anti depressant and up the abilify to compensate. That may be the way to go. I’m not sure. Its such an inexact science. I hate being a guinea pig. At least this dude actually listens and takes time to talk to me. That is really rare in psych doctors.

I’ve been writing a lot of poetry lately. More to pass the time than for any other reason. I’m exploring different forms and I’m actually enjoying it a bit.
I’m going to make a commitment to myself. I’m a little afraid to make this commitment, because it is so fricken easy to break it, but I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to get up when I first wake up in the morning. Get dressed right away (maybe even put on some makeup) and make breakfast. Or at least focus on being up by 9 am. No more of this 10-10:30 stuff. I think that is really affecting my mood. I’ll usually wake up around that time anyway, but I think, “I have nothing to get up for, whats the point” and I’ll go back to sleep. I think I would do better mentally if I got up when I first woke up. Maybe even if I set out my clothes the night before. Sort of like I have somewhere to go or something to do even if I don’t. Just to get in the habit of it all. That would probably be good practice for a job. I honestly think I would feel better if I did that. And if I didn’t wear the same clothes every day…I just don’t have very many clothes here, so I have a tendency to wear the same pants nearly every day. Guess I will just have to wash things a bit more frequently than I do. I already kinda did that this morning, getting dressed right as I got up. Maybe I’ll even start to make myself breakfast. It sounds rather pathetic, doesn’t it? I guess to some degree it is. I think that is why my mother is so concerned about me going back to work. Because I can’t even find a reason to get up at a decent hour….sigh….something I’ll have to work on I suppose. The more I think about it, the more I feel that it is the medication. Since I’ve lowered it I’ve just lost motivation to do things like that. I am worried that if I get a job it will be terribly easy to blow it off because I don’t really care about it. I don’t really honestly care deeply about anything. Apathy. That’s what it is. Apathy. Wonder if that is a strange side effect, or if it is all in my f-ed up brain? Arrrggg. Wish there was a way to know for sure…

Lawelssness45