Troebia's Diary

[manuel_moe_g]

Oh Troebia, I feel so badly for you

It seems to me twice as bad when an artist is depressed into inaction, because the artist loses and the world loses the art

Please take care

(Such evocative photos)

[troebia]

New year thoughts

Maybe it all should be more like looking in the fridge and seeing what one can cook up with what's left. I should stop feeling guilty and regretful about so much in my life, since it's way more than halfway over anyway. I'm experiencing a problem of agency in my life, and if you'd look up the Wikipedia page of the term [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agency_(sociology)] you'll see that it's a hard nut to crack. Self-interest, moral will, categorical imperative, anyone? Everyone has options, but if we discard the more facile bad ones like "throw yourself off a cliff" or "keep drinking alcohol until you're numb", then we're entering dense vegetation with no GPS signal available. There is no universal best thing to do. I now have no life goal except keeping afloat. Art is nice and therapeutic, even necessary for me personally, but making a career of it seems out of reach. Maybe until five years ago I'd have been very anxious and distraught about not getting anywhere, but now it feels fine.

[Mental Fairy]

If I could hug you right now I would my friend.

[troebia]

A virtual hug to you too, MF, and wishing you speedy recovery.

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you, darn well need one today and every other day.

[oak]

Thanks for sharing, Troebia. I hope your new year is off to a good start.

Keep us posted.

[troebia]

First, hugs to all. They're free and underestimated.

Depression is such an odd beast. Medication will keep it at bay, but it follows me around and I feel it tainting every thought. Therapy was nice, but now from a distance it seems like I was made to pretend to be someone else.

I'm pruning the olive trees and preparing the soil for the next season. There are around twenty minor chores and fixes around the house waiting to be done but I'm dragging my feet. Daughter made me follow her on a morning run, and it felt good.

I seem to never feel enough because there are so many past failures and embarrassing events in my head. There's a Spanish saying, "La pasta no vuelve al tubo" which means you can't refill what you already squeezed out of the tube of toothpaste. There's no going back. It's OK. Let's work with what's left.

[troebia]

More useless thoughts instead of action

A blank sheet of paper is slightly intimidating. Even more so after having made a few marks or strokes, since the intent is already there but the result is still far away and is now making demands. Sometimes every move makes the mind drift further away, as if paddling the wrong way in a canoe. It has a certain resemblance to real life, except there aren't really any stakes. Any disaster and I can crumple up the sheet and start over instead of having to live with lifelong trauma.

The extreme winds are continuing today and I'm spending too much time indoors. My mind refuses to stop obsessing about my wonky hearing, it goes up and down. I've developed a (healthy?) obsession with YouTube videos of gel printing, and I can't believe it's been three years since I bought a full kit with a plate, braer and acrylic colors and have barely touched it. Gel printing is the ultimate hit-and-miss art practice since you never know how it's going to turn out. Surprises makes me anxious I suppose, at least in my present state.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Troebia

I had to look up gel printing, I had no idea what it is. Looks really interesting. If you do decide to do it can we see the results?

Sorry you’re not feeling great, it doesn’t help when you have been caged up inside.

[oak]

Sometimes every move makes the mind drift further away, as if paddling the wrong way in a canoe.

Word.