YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

rivergirl wrote:I wish you could see yourself the way I see you and I'm sure other people on the forum do too.

This is so true, Brownblob

Thanks for the replies river and mm
I've been hating myself my whole life and I don't know that I can change that. I don't think therapist and people in general understand how ingrained in me this is. Therapist just wants me to be more positive, but I live with a brain full of negativity. I can't just turn that off. I don't know that I would do good with any therapist, because my brain is so negative and I don't really know how committed to change I am. I think to a certain extent I'm just looking to be seen and heard. Change is something that I can't seem to get my hands around right now.
When I was younger, I read a book about CBT and depression and it helped me to deal with my suicidal ideation. So I do believe in CBT.
I did read some of the stuff on the website you listed Rivergirl.

*hugs* How could you possibly believe things will improve until you see evidence? When I first got therapy in my 20s, I was only seeking to function so the outside world would not see my depression and anxiety. To simply survive. Even now, it's hard for me to imagine complete recovery as my issues go back to early childhood.

Being seen and heard is a big part of the therapeutic relationship, IMHO. CBT is just a framework. It's an experiment, something to try because without new experiences life is doubly bleak.

I think I'm going to stop the Betterhelp.com. I feel like I did get something out of it, so I'm going to tell myself it was worth trying. It does give me some things to think about. I didn't really connect with the counselor I had, but I'm not sure I would connect with anyone. She mainly pushed trying to be more positive and I am making an effort. If I had stayed with it, I would have switched to someone else. I felt like I had gone as far with her as I could. I have realized that my biggest problem is self hate. I don't really believe I can change that. It is very deeply ingrained in me. I also realized what I was wanting out of therapy the most was just to be seen. I have no support system. I have no one who wants to hear about my shit. Sometimes, I just want to fall apart in front of someone instead of being the calm, steady, boring person that people see.
I also have being doing a lot of thinking about if I really even want to change. My life is pretty much a repetitious routine. I have responsibilities I take care of and it doesn't leave a lot of room for doing things different. I'm sure I could try eating better or exercising, but I can't seem to get myself to do those things. I seem to just get worse with the eating thing.
So anyways, I'm left with lots to think about.

Brownblob, it sucks that you are filled with self-hate. So many terrible people in this world who love themselves unconditionally. For how you help out people in this forum, you deserve to love yourself. Consider me a member of your fan club.

I struggle with self-hate. I am trying to combat it because it debilitates me, and for me to be my best for my loved ones, I cannot spare the energy to self-hate.

You deserve to live a life where you are not debilitating yourself with self-hate.

Take care.

Well done for giving the therapy a good try. I'm proud of you. Well done.

I have spent my whole life lying to myself. Pretending my life was different than what it is. Pretending I was someone I'm not. I don't really know who I am. I know I hate myself. I know I don't like to feel. I isolate in an attempt to be numb. I try to stay busy in an attempt to be numb.
I know the part of aging I like is that I know I have less life ahead of me than behind me. My life has long been working and sleeping. My mind does drift back to the 90's sometimes and wonder what could have been if I was someone else living a different life.
I am me. This is my life. I will never be happy. My goal at the moment is not to hate myself as much, but I don't see how that will ever happen.

I have been thinking a lot today. I need to make changes in my life. I am posting this in the hopes that having posted this will encourage to stick with it. I'm inspired by Oaks lists of things to do and goals. I will not post an actual list, but I know the things I need to start on. I do not need to make big changes. My main goal is to be more present and to take better care of myself.
I have posted before that I hate myself. I do not take care of myself properly, because I do not like myself. I don't know that I can stop hating myself, but I can start to treat myself like a human. A lot of what I need to do is basic stuff: Eating less on my days off. Weaning myself off sodas. I had only been drinking one or two a week for a couple of years and then last summer I started feeling tired and needed the caffeine and sugar. I need to start going to bed earlier. I often have trouble sleeping through the night, but I believe going to bed a little earlier will at least give me a little more time to try and sleep. There are other basic self care things that I intend to start making myself do.
I also need to start being more present. I have a tendency to go through life brain dead. I tend to do things out of habit and with very little thought. I need to start taking control of my life. Nothing big, but just making myself be awake as I go through my day. I do not want to just turn off my brain and live on autopilot. It leads to a lack of responsibility and poor decision making.
These are my May resolutions.

These are fine resolutions. These resolutions are kind and loving to a person who we have objective evidence of worth, and is worthy of kindness and lovingness.

(((brownblob)))
Strength and love for you in your goals. They sound small, but they aren't. Actually doing it, even sort of halfway and imperfect is hard. Give yourself credit and don't forget to come back and post so we can love on you.