Dear sunlessgirl

[Imissmysun]

so.. its a step forward and a slight bit back... why? I drove over some kind of small animal this morning on my way to the gym - good health for me - not so good for the small animal - I feel awful - I feel like had I been more present I would have avoided it - I feel that because I was driving while spaced out I hit it - I cried - I still feel the little bump under my tire - then I get to work and my boss has me listen to a call - I listen I hear nothing wrong and he basically belittles me for not knowing that I should not have released something by quizzing me about the call like I'm 8 and didnt say please and thank you - I am sitting here trying to just do my job and not get into any more trouble but I want to sink into my seat and just fade away - I just want to disappear -

I am hoping to make it to the zen center tonight - I don't know if I will I am going to do my darndest because I really need it today - I am feeling so very tense like I feel all of my muscles are just a huge knot - and I wish I hadn't killed something this morning - I feel like a bully a huge monster - that has permeated my whole day - and I think I may be a monster or at least in possession of demons - (not like the exorsist - just my inner personal demons)

I know that all of this will cause a regression - I can feel the black edging around me - I don't want it to come any closer but it is creeping and licking at my heels and teasing me - sometimes the dark can be calming - at least it is known - I know the darkness it cradled me when nothing else would - my depression has been my companion for longer than any other thing in my life - it has always been there for me - as messed up as that is - that is why I think it will always be there - just on the perifery - just off in the corner ready to swoop in and catch me in its dark lullaby - reminding me that that I can always go back to the soft warm nothingness of it - just crawl back into the familiarity of grey monotonous nothingness - where I can blot out all the feelings - it is a dull dreary but safe existence - it so tempting

[Imissmysun]

So I am an idiot and I drove all the way out to the zen center just to then remember that they had cancelled their normal meditation time because they were doing their silent retreat weekend - And they repeated the message to me twice yesterday - and so I spent two hours in my car more than I needed to - (also there were accidents all over the major highways so it took forever to get anywhere) -

Me - I made my butt go to the gym again today - I am feeling umm I don't know today - I never feel very good at work - but there really isn't anything bad going on - I will squeek by with our finances this week - I am down a huge 2 pounds this week - I know its a start - I just have like 78 to go - no biggie -

I do think it is tremendously good that I am getting in the habit of going to the gym every day - I am also forcing myself to buy the banana and not the cookie for breakfast - its still sugar but its filling and it won't cause anymore tooth damage - not to mention there are like vitamins and junk in the banana that I guess my body likes - whatever body - I guess I will attempt to be a better steward to you - so far I have yo-yoed you around and carried extra stress in your blood vessels and created neuro pathways to odd dark thought chambers - I am trying body - I know I am like the old man eating his dinner while the castle went to in the Lord of the Rings - just an awful steward of the castle - BUT I am really trying to be more like Aragon - you know the reluctant King who would rather be a fantasy adventurer than be a boring states men - I get it Aragon - Adulting is boring running around killing Orcs is way more fun - however - castles need leaders and your wife lady needs a solid dependable person....

I get it - I do I want to be a solid dependable good present person - but... I also want to be a warrior princess facing down the evils at the gaping mouth of hell saving the town from emminent danger - fantasy is so much fun - I could be anyone in my mind and I get to escape the whole nothingness of my life - and this is the bad nothingness - the feeling that my life has been a waste that I am just wasting oxygen that could be used for people like Nagelina Jolie who saves kids - heck it could be used for all those kids that need help -

Action is hard putting the myriad of ideas I have into action is hard - why? Why is it so hard to move - to do... why is it so much easier to think? Why can't I just do -

I have to say that keeping this online journal thing has been super helpful - just to get things out - good bad ugly other - it is out of me in some way - I can breath better and I can see that my craziness is not quite as isolated as I thought - I think I do know that somewhere that I am not alone - however when I walk down the dark corridors of my mind and my inner voice is screaming at me and trying to remind me what an awful excuse for a human I am - it is wicked hard to remember that others are struggling with the same feelings and problems - I also forget a lot that my actions affect others - I have to remember that they do - that my actions matter - living in the realm of feeling invisible makes you feel that you are unseen and that you and your actions don't matter - but they do - I have little people who live with me and watch me and they see me just drained and unable to do anything at the end of the day and that is not living and its not being receptive to their emotional needs - I am adding to their therapy bills daily - I do not want to be the mother/step mother that they come and talk about on Paul's show in 15 years - I am so afraid I might be already

[hobojungle]

I want to cheer you on for choosing the banana instead of the cookie! I am choosing cottage cheese instead of ice cream. We are getting there!

[Imissmysun]

Thank you that made me smile earnestly

And yay to better choices!!!

[Imissmysun]

I am such a spazz today - I keep the forum up at work to keep myself occupied/engaged with something meaningful while at work and when I see one of you pop in I just want to wave "hi", I get so excited like a dog wagging their tail when its owner comes in - its just super nice to have a place to spill my weirdness and be deeply honest about my brain

[Imissmysun]

My weekends are so much better than my week days. I took the piyo class and sweat out so much i think every liquid I ever consumed came out of me. That means toxins left as well. So Yay and such. I took my kids to the pool and enjoyed myself. It was wierd and good to be present but it was great.

I've had a general feeling of wellness all day which is scary because what if I can't keep it. What if this is just temporary.

I don't know guys but I'll keep posting.

[brownblob]

Great to hear you had a good day. Try not to worry if it is temporary or not, just enjoy it.

[Imissmysun]

Thank you Brownie!

And I am trying - I did feel pretty decent all day yesterday - I think this gym thing is helping - I took two yoga classes over the weekend - went to the pool chased children around a birthday party - it was a geed weekend -

I keep telling myself you are not as fat as you were yesterday - that is my nearly positive thought - going to the yoga class is hard - especially being a fat beginner - but I reminded myself - you have to start somewhere - I did not get where I am overnight - I will not come out of it overnight -

I know this - the journey is a struggle though - it is hard to put into words - I know that I have a long road - I know that I have rough days ahead - but I am hoping that I am gaining new tools to help me better self care - journaling out frustrations and helping others a little on this forum is really healing in a way - I have some dark stuff to work through so hopefully it will help to have a second portal to work through my feelings -

so yeah here I am breathing and being -

[Imissmysun]

Today is being good to me - I am feeling kind of almost a little better than ok...

Its a little scary - I am also in need of my venlafaxine - I haven't taken it yet today because its at the pharmacy and when I do not take it in the morning I get a little light headed - that may be part of the weirdish feeling I am having this afternoon -

Working out daily is giving me access energy - very hard when you sit at a desk all day - I oddly want to skip and frolic - I haven't wanted to do that in a long time

I am applying to nursing school - its something I have been thinking about for the better part of a year - I have all this forward momentum going and I do not want to waste it - I am going to use it while it is here - I just fear any backwards movement now - I am so afraid of failure - what if this is a mask that just got put on - what if I can't keep it up -

[hobojungle]

I love that you want to skip & frolic, SunnyOne!