Five Facts.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I had seen somewhere a thread where people were posting music that gave them a boost, but I can't find it so I'm sharing this here. Even though it may well mark me forever as a huge dork. There's just something about a hundred human voices all singing together that gives me the shivers, brings me to tears, and ALMOST convinces me that humankind wasn't God's biggest mistake.

So with that behind us, I share Morten Lauridsen's Lux Aeterna: https://youtu.be/wZX5wXVY-Ks

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. It's really hard to meditate when you're manic.

2. I always feel like crap when I end a meditation session early, but it doesn't stop me from doing it anyway.

3. I honestly don't know what I think Buddhism is going to do for me, but I keep at it anyway.

4. I'm really struggling with the Second Precept--the one about only taking things that have been freely given.

5. I read something about people dressing up as Buddhist monks and panhandling in Times Square and I thought that was a silly reason to pretend to be a monk. If it were me, I'd pretend to be a monk so that I could totally be a nomadic hermit and no one would think twice about it.

[oak]

Thanks for posting!

I enjoy and appreciate this thread more than you imagine.

A thought: maybe one of the virtues in trying, you trying meditation in this case, is the act of trying.

Maybe, and this isn't an original idea, when you end a meditation session "early", it is heroic if you struggle through for another five seconds to "do it right".

That even the idea of struggling over the thought of doing meditation is a triumph.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks, oak. At this point, I think this might just be a two-party conversation between you and me, but out where everyone else can see it.

I was thinking about it more and I think the real attraction of Buddhism to me (at least the more "selfish" type that doesn't involve "getting enlightened for the good of all sentient beings, blah blah blah") is that it's totally impersonal. I'd been having a similar conversation on a http://www.refugerecovery.org/ forum on Facebook. Buddhism expects everyone to give up "intoxicants that cloud the mind," not just alcoholics or addicts. It asks everyone to practice wise speech, to make a living in an ethical way, and so on. There's no believer vs. unbeliever, chosen vs. damned. There isn't even Right vs Wrong. The whole framework is Skillful (that which reduces suffering) and Unskillful (that which increases it).

It's a really hard transition to go from a God-based framework—especially the part where someone "out there" can come and make it all better—to something more self-directed, which is probably why it's been such a struggle for me. I just don't have the self-confidence to think that I can attain any of the benefits of the practice.

But a practice is what it is, so I really do mean to keep trying.

[oak]

Very good. Very good indeed.

I think you are on your path.

A theistic heuristic gets alot of people through the day.

I posit that your self-reliance (ie there is no god actively helping/hindering you) is a grownup's choice, a man's stance.

While I know very little about Buddhism, I do know some about The Struggle, Man.

Maybe there are two goals in Buddhism (or any effort): to be a great Buddhist, or be a person who tries to be good at Buddhism.

While I never thought I'd be someone to quote a video game, I give you this from Skyrim:

"What is better: to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?"

[HowDidIGetHere]

1. This thing is going to stick with me for a while: "What is better: to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?" It's really the only remotely believable reason I've ever heard for God (if it exists) creating this particular reality.

2. Two years ago today, I caused the death of our cat in a hotel room in Windsor, Connecticut. That was the start.

3. A few days from now will be the two-year anniversary of the time I tried to slice my neck open with an incredibly dull paring knife and wound up taking a chunk out of my partner's finger.

4. Some time soon after that will be the two-year anniversary of the time I swallowed an entire bottle of Xanax in a motel in Bristol, Tennessee. I'm still not sure whether that was an actual suicide attempt or the kind of drug experience I'd been looking for my whole life.

5. Apparently, after I finally came out of the OD stupor, I was completely coherent and functional. I have to take that on faith, though, because most of the next week is completely missing. Which is all the more scary since I was driving a lot of that time.

[oak]

You are a a truly excellent writer. #2 is gorgeous.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Funny you say that. On a whim, I recently submitted an application for a writing job at a tech company whose product I use. They wrote me back and said that out of 500 applications, mine was one of 10 that they really liked. I'm going to keep going with it just for fun. I honestly can't imagine writing all day every day for a living, nor can I imagine changing jobs again so soon.

But man—I wouldn't mind a tech company salary, that's for sure.

[oak]

Oh yeah, you're that good. Go for it.

And yes, in my experience America looks a whole lot different on the other side of $12/hour. That is where life gets much easier.

[hobojungle]

I am glad you are feeling validation from your writing HowDidIGetHere.