Troebia's Diary

[Mental Fairy]

Is your wife aware of how you feel?

[troebia]

Is your wife aware of how you feel?

Of course she is:
What brings me down (III)

When I became unemployed in the sense that I don't work for a regular income anymore (though I still always seem to be busy), I wasn't aware at first of how the power dynamics between us had shifted. Even if you're married and form some sort of economical unit, the simple fact that you earn approximately as much as your spouse has a sort of psychological levelling effect. And (especially?) for a man to depend on a woman's monetary income seems profoundly unsexy: I'm not the provider. There are several types of situations when this unbalance becomes subtly evident: for example there was a period when she felt entitled to approve certain purchases I made or sometimes even give me "permission" to leave the house for a day, which was exhausting.

I have to admit she is mentally stronger or at least more persistent than me. Come to think of it, the fact that I'm comparing clout like this with my wife isn't a very good sign, is it?

[Mental Fairy]

This is a topic that came up at work last week. My colleague asked me if Joe has to ask permission to go fishing or away for a weekend with friends.

Reason being my work mate asked three friends to go away with him over Easter for boys weekend fishing up north. Not one wife let their husband go.

Joe doesn’t need to ask permission, he just needs to inform me when he’s not around so I don’t make plans for anything else. Just a polite thing really.

However, it’s not always been this way. It took years for me to gain trust.

Marriage is so hard at times. Image life without your spouse, what would you be doing differently and where would you be?

I can’t imagine what you are going through having to live with mother in law. That is something I can’t even begin to imagine.

[manuel_moe_g]

sorry you are going through all this, Troebia

[Mental Fairy]

So badly wish I could go over and take you out to lunch and just talk about it all.

[troebia]

MF, well we are talking in a sense, aren't we? Somebody mentioned the possibility of video group chat but maybe that directness would spoil this special written connection? I feel I can meditate my answers here.

MM, I sent you a PM about a forum issue, did you receive it?

I
Image life without your spouse, what would you be doing differently and where would you be?

Good question, and I have a fantasy answer and another more realistic answer.

Realistically, I'd have moved to Sweden to work with some kind of basic maintenance, like a janitor or garden groundskeeper maybe. I don't have any CV or anything on paper to show. Maybe my fluent Swedish, English, Spanish and still half-assed Italian would help, don't know. I'd either be living in a caravan or some cheap apartment, alone. In my free time I'd be doing art and maybe pottery. Most people around me would be marginalised and have issues with alcohol and drugs, and I'd slowly blend in with them. I'd be trying to date online, unsuccessfully. Maybe I'd put away some money for the occasional session with a sex worker because it would be the only way for me to touch some skin. I would refuse contact with my whole family. I'd have serious back problems since I wouldn't be able to rest as much, and with only basic health care one can wait six months for appointments with a specialist.

In a fantasy world, I'd be living in some sort of artists' commune either here in Spain or in another Mediterranean country. I'd spend all day making art or collaborating doing the daily chores since the commune is autosufficient with food. In the community there's no money handled. The living quarters are simple huts and one can choose to live either alone or with one or several other members. Somehow I started to share a hut with a woman. She is away sometimes and I'm not worrying about a relationship or exclusiveness. She isn't very beautiful and neither am I, but physically and mentally she is very feminine. I could spend hours just watching her hands and her gestures. I finally got dentures and hearing aids and don't even think about it, I have better things to do. Sometimes I'll go on road trips in a battered van with a few other members. I've never been happier.

[manuel_moe_g]

MM, I sent you a PM about a forum issue, did you receive it?

strange, don't see any PM at all

could you resend? my PM mailbox is at max messages, maybe that is the issue, although it hasn't been an issue before, it would just alert me to clean up my PM mailbox a bit to make space for the new message

[troebia]

MM, I've resent the PM now

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

Just checking in, hope you're able to wean yourself from the meds without more trouble.

(I misread your note to Manny and thought you "resented" some "PM person" for a sec.... )

[troebia]

The universe splitting into infinite timelines

My wife and I are on a short holiday in the South of Italy. Human interactions are slightly different here. People will hold your gaze without "wanting" anything and it can be disconcerting. This morning at the café in the train station, while ordering the capuccini and cornetti a normal-looking woman in her fifties beside us looks me in the eyes, for a long time. I'm a little thrown, but again, it seems to be normal here. I go to the counter where you show your receipt to the barista who then prepares the coffee, and the woman is right next to me while my wife is seated at a table. Spontaneously, I say:
--I've always liked watching how the baristas move.
--So do I!... Where are you from?
--Oh, we're from Spain.
--You don't look Spanish.
By now, her eyes have pierced me through and burnt two holes in the back of my skull.
--Actually, I'm from Sweden.
--That seems about right!
--You know, some friends told us this city was ugly, but it's not true at all...
She frowns.
--Ugly? I don't think so, but it used to be dangerous at night.
I get the coffees.
--Anyway, have a good day...
--Good day!
It was just a short and courteous interaction but I am completely convinced that in another universe, if I had been single this woman would have intersected my timeline and changed it completely. I refuse to think that it was all in my head and a sort of freak romantic moment fabricated by me: the moment I laid eyes on her, I was sure we fit together like two intricate puzzle pieces. What are the odds? I'm not sad it was only a brief flicker, instead I'm thankful that moments like these are still possible in my life.