littleraincloud's diary

[brownblob]

Fleas are evil little bastards. They can somehow live off of carpet. It makes no sense. Only had this problem once. At some point you will have to call an exterminator or burn the house down.
I'm sorry you are suffering and in such a stressed out state. You probably don't want my advice, but from the sounds of things you need to make taking care of yourself a priority. I know grad school seems like the only thing that matters at the moment, but from reading your posts it seems like the stress is getting overwhelming. All I'm saying is take care of yourself. You are worth it.

[littleraincloud]

Thank you. I'm still trying to figure out how to take care of myself, which is why I have so many problems. If I could stick with some healthy coping mechanisms, I might not freak out quite so much.

[oak]

Oh yes, fleas. That will try the patience and mental health of anyone.

It is really disconcerting to feel them jumping on one's ankles.

I worked at a pet store for years (I assume, perhaps incorrectly, that a cat brought them into your living space), and here are two things I learned regarding flea medicine:

1. You get what you pay for

2. A good medicine is worth every penny.

If you do have a cat or dog, my advice: get some Frontline and follow the directions exactly. Things should get better.

Again, fleas are very hard on one's mental health.

[littleraincloud]

Wow, I wrote an entire post and it disappeared on me.

Last night I was alone in the house, which is weird because theoretically five people live here. Everyone was off with boyfriends or friends or at their father's house. So I slept with a website open that plays ocean sounds to keep me from the silence. It was lonely and a bit scary.

Today I alternated between feeling spaced out and numb and feeling like I wanted to die. Cried on the way to work. Incredibly tired all day. I spoke a few words to my mom on the way out the door in the morning, and then a few in the evening when I came home, but nothing aside from that. I didn't even send any emails at work, though I should have. This is my brain on Wellbutrin.

Spent a lot of time today fantasizing about breaking my leg while filming outside on a set somewhere, surrounded by friends that I work with. Why there, I don't know, because I'm not interested in writing for TV or movies at all. Or in being an actor. But I thought, how nice would it be if I could pass out from the pain and be sent to a hospital, and then when I woke up there would be a good friend waiting by my bedside to comfort me, and then they would say that my accident made them realize that life is short and that they love me. Am I pathetic or what! Weak! Feelings!

Tried calling a therapist to set up a consultation, because it's been months since I really talked to someone and I must capitulate to the mental health industrial complex. I really don't want to talk to a therapist after negative experiences with them, but I have literally no other choice. This therapist is going to be out of town from January to March, and I said okay then, never mind. I'll probably need more time than just to the end of December to talk about my shit. I'll try calling someone else tomorrow.

No work on my grad applications today, of course. But I did flea-bomb my room and clean out my email inbox. God, I just cannot forgive myself for not being able to hold my shit together when so little is demanded of me. What am I going to do, live in a shack in the desert where nothing remotely challenging ever happens to me? Sounds boring as shit. But that's where I'm headed if I have to keep buckling under the demands of my mental illness.

[littleraincloud]

oak: It is a cat that brought the fleas in. An INDOOR cat who escaped outside of course, and it only took a few minutes for her to bring this plague on us. I'm going to beg my mom to buy some good flea medicine instead of the cheap shit. Sometimes you have to drop a little coin to get good results! When will she ever learn this! I swear to God she would use aluminum foil as wallpaper to save money!

[littleraincloud]

Or I could just buy the nice flea medication myself. Jesus, take charge for once, me.

[oak]

Frontline for cats will cost about $35 and is worth it. While I am no expert on the inner lives of cats, I do believe Frontline will bring the cat relief.

I was working poor for some years, and for all the crappy things that happened to me, living in a house with fleas was one of only two things that I can't get past.

In general, I think you did well today: you made it to work, and made it through the day. I encourage you to send those emails tomorrow. But for today you are Enough.

[littleraincloud]

Today is my personal record for Longest Time Alive.

[brownblob]

Woohoo!!!!!!!!
Let's celebrate the record.

[littleraincloud]

Bought the flea medication. Sent some emails at work, could send some more. Money is stressful and I hate it. Applying for schools is stressful and I hate it.