Troebia's Diary

[snoringdog]

but also sadness and depressive stuff from the past I thought had had a proper burial.

I've been getting such things too, is this just a common thing as we get older?

[manuel_moe_g]

Yeah, working hard on keeping “compassion for my younger selves who were doing the best they could with limited tools and limited resources and who had tremendous challenges” just keeping that in front-of-mind as much as possible

That is what helps me the most

[troebia]

but also sadness and depressive stuff from the past I thought had had a proper burial.

I've been getting such things too, is this just a common thing as we get older?

“compassion for my younger selves who were doing the best they could with limited tools and limited resources and who had tremendous challenges” just keeping that in front-of-mind as much as possible

The compassion part is very, very hard for me, both for myself and regarding my mother. Father doesn't really count. The wounds color my whole existence and I've always understood those who prefer the final option, to stop the constant pain. I've tried therapy, SSRIs and numbing myself to oblivion with alcohol but it all keeps welling back up since my body and mind won't "reset", instead they are only crumbling. I'm becoming a gray, disgusting, regretful blob. Often while having some social interaction now, I'll think: let's get through this with minimal weirdness and not making this person notice me in any way. If they've forgotten me in ten seconds, that's a win.

I'm not looking for a new partner, but lately I've been wondering what kind of person I could have turned into with someone maybe more spiritual. I seem to have lost the vitality to do better in my present relationship. Maybe I'm still married mainly because I wouldn't stand being alone. Sometimes I wish for an intensely spiritual, platonic connection to a woman of my age, a sort of muse. I've even tried this out on a "friendship and dating" site but the women didn't understand the "friend" thing. They were like, "But aren't you dtf? What are you even doing here?"

There's a viral trend right now in Spain with Instagram reels showing how singles go to a certain supermarket at seven in the evening and put a pineapple upside down in the cart. If you see someone else with a pineapple, the icebreaker is to bump into their cart if you're interested. If you also have perishables like lettuce in the cart it means you want a one night stand. Canned goods means you're after a long term relationship. I'm going to ask what I should put in the cart for spiritual connection...

[manuel_moe_g]

“””
There's a viral trend right now in Spain with Instagram reels showing how singles go to a certain supermarket at seven in the evening and put a pineapple upside down in the cart. If you see someone else with a pineapple, the icebreaker is to bump into their cart if you're interested.
“””

Ugh, seems complicated…

[snoringdog]

I thought it sounded funny, like from a sit-com.
Curious how this stuff starts. soon there'll be a lookup chart of what to have in your cart.

But hey, can't be any worse than the dating apps and experiences people write about. At least people are out face-to-face.

[troebia]

At least people are out face-to-face.

Yes, I've read comments especially by women saying that it's not a bad idea because you get to check out the "merchandise" first in a relatively safe public space.

Btw the same supermarket was in the news lately for this:
https://thetab.com/uk/2024/08/20/influencer-who-hid-her-used-underwear-in-supermarket-bakery-could-face-serious-legal-action-381742

[snoringdog]

OMG. Grotesque.
Thank goodness she's not "influencing" (cringe) too many people.

Social media brings out the mental illness in some folks, doesn't it.

Narcissism, exhibitionism, sadism come to mind.

[troebia]

So here's the thing, I've been alone in the house for a couple of days and partly it's helped me a lot to focus and do stuff when and how I feel like it. If I leave a paint can on the kitchen counter, it's because I'll get to it later. If I want to sit in my underwear in the sofa and meditate for a while, I'll do it without any feeling of guilt or imposed urgency to get to something else. I'm eating a lot less, in fact I don't look at the time and whenever I feel hungry I'll have a fruit or an egg. I am not a sloth, there are things to do but not having to adapt to anyone is liberating.

I've been reassessing my social media use and I don't like at all how things are going. I've been getting into meaningless spats lately with people about art and craftsmanship instead of being cool like the Dude: "Well you know, that's just like uh, your opinion, man". https://youtu.be/Z-xI1384Ry4&t=72 It's sad and useless to bicker because there's so much interesting stuff on the Internet to learn and enjoy, and so much to do instead of being in front of a screen.

[troebia]

Wife is back and sadly so is MIL, who went straight into "eat this, eat more" mode over lunch and I had to make a sharp retort right away, that I'll eat how and what the fuck I want thank you and I'm not bothering YOU about YOUR plate.

[troebia]

YouTube's algorithm is now throwing videos at me about starting a channel. "Are you over 50? Start recording your thoughts, you have lots to share!" I won't post any links, only describe the kinds of people I've been "recommended" the last couple of days:

• A 55-year old American man crying his eyes out in the car on his way to work. According to him he hates his job, his children despise him and his wife only screams at him. He has this underlying aggression that makes one think he's either going to end up hurting himself or others. He lusts after younger women who could be his daughters.
• A 60ish American art critic living in France talking about art and who I initially thought was really interesting, but then out of nowhere started dishing out hate on everything in modern society which is "going to hell": "Those swarthy immigrants fucking our feminists since all white men are soy-boys" etc etc... Good grief.
• A girl with purple hair in her 20s who does fan-art like those omnipresent Japanese manga cartoons. She's churning out merchandise and seems to be doing rather well but there's zero originality since it's all derivative of someone else's creations. It's like making paintings of Mickey Mouse.

We're all inspired by something of course and it makes me question: would it possible for me to do videos that are original in any way and worthwhile to watch? Who would watch me filming blades of grass and talking nonsense?