Troebia's Diary

[manuel_moe_g]

Troebia, I am sorry your dog doesn’t act like a dog, probably from some trauma. That is so sad.

Please take great care of yourself

[troebia]

Troebia, I am sorry your dog doesn’t act like a dog, probably from some trauma.

Yes I'm sure it's not really about "me" but it still feels like not having a relationship with the dog at all.

I'm falling into depression again and also feeling a bit aggressive and whiny. The only moments I can forget myself is when asleep or while watching Italian TV (because my brain goes into language overdrive and can't think about anything else).

I'm experimenting with dabs of paint on rollers and it's very unpredictable and exciting. It also makes me feel disappointed that I can't do something as spontaneous as a random uncontrollable impression. Just human, I guess...

IMG_20241006_172241.jpg (71.27 KiB) Viewed 1607 times

[manuel_moe_g]

I love that, gorgeous and sinister

[Mental Fairy]

I second that. Absolutely gorgeous

[troebia]

Today very conflicting feelings and I just want to spill out some words. I'm desiring to have a dog that responds to me with all my heart. My hearing is going crazy with ups and downs of tinnitus and varied perception of frequencies, I'll take a Xanax and/or wine and try to ignore it. Things are breaking all the time, weeds and pests are still going strong and I feel like Sisyphus. The only sincere smile I saw today was from the cashier at the supermarket.

[troebia]

Also worried about the onslaught of spam on this forum. I'd love to be able to install a spam filter!

[Mental Fairy]

You might not see it my friend but I am smiling a sincere smile for you from down here in little old NZ.

[troebia]

...and a half toothless old smile right back at you!

[Mental Fairy]

Take what I can get!

[troebia]

Another emergency have-to-spill-it-out post. Nothing seems to have changed externally, but I'm feeling more and more out of place for every week that goes by. These last few days I've fixed some problems around the house and the car, but while it feels good to be able to do stuff there isn't any real satisfaction. Some kind of acknowledgement would grease my wheels. It simply seems to be expected of me, in the same way that the dishwasher runs its cycle. And I can only dream of relaxed moments of intimacy.. all my partner's extra energy and time is as usual sucked into the black MIL hole.

My search for sincere online discussions between artists have fallen flat. Reddit and Discord are where I find the closest thing to signs of some kind of sincerity and vulnerability, but people drop in and drop out. The threads can distort into something totally different from what was posted initially, which is entertaining but turns everything into fluff. Instagram is very immediate of course, but it's not suited for discussion and for letting it all hang out, it's more a "look at what I've done" platform. And then there are several other social apps that have a tiny corner with art people but it's all buried under a thick layer of makeup hauls, fail videos of people hurting themselves or jokes.

There are some rare examples of artists as myself who are also without outstanding talent that just go for it on their own website or Tumblr or whatever, without any feedback, and slowly after a couple of years gather a small audience. That's awesome but starting in an empty room is intimidating and I've already tried and failed at that.