littleraincloud's diary

[brownblob]

hang in there

[Beany Boo]

It doesn't affect me but I'm here as your witness.

[littleraincloud]

Thank you for your support, guys.

I'm taking it day by day. The approaching election is taking up more of my attention than ever, and making me lose focus on some other things. Overall, I don't feel terrible. Just tired.

The only remotely exciting thing in my life right now is that I'm in a passive-aggressive fight with my sister, a white girl who thinks that n****r is a slur but n***a is not. I am also white, for the record. I can't even fight with her face to face about it. I just posted an article on Facebook where I knew that she would see it about how white people should, um, perhaps maybe not use racial slurs? Just a suggestion??? And then she wrote a comment on the link, "@ me next time." Honestly I think it's hilarious because I wasn't going to name any names...but sis...you outed yourself...and now anybody who looks at my Facebook wall is going to see that you're the dumb white chick who thinks she can get away with saying the n-word because she listens to a lot of rap....I'm leaving it up for other people to see.

I'm doing Nanowrimo which is more of a distraction than anything, but it makes me feel good to get some kind of writing done. I'm determined to at least get a first draft of that novel I've been thinking of out of this.

[littleraincloud]

Wow. Okay. The election results upset me very much, to the point where I was having physical symptoms like shaking and heart palpitations, and I feel that I'm only now slowly starting to come back down to earth. The good news is that I got out of the house by going to a protest with my sister, and in the car we talked out our little fight from earlier and worked it all out (she said I was right; of course I was). So that was good. I'm going to try and stop reading quite so many political articles, because it's not good for my mental health and reading multiple articles per day really only ends up giving me the same information anyway, so I don't think I'll be any less well-informed if I cool my jets a bit on that front.

I'm experimenting with using a service called Talkspace, which lets me do online chat-based therapy (not getting paid to be a shill right now, promise). I still feel a little stiff interacting with my therapist there and haven't gotten much of a chance to talk about deeper issues yet, but it's nice having her there encouraging me. I was having a hell of a time trying to get an in-person appointment with a therapist near me, so this was a compromise.

Some things are coming up which might be small for other people but are accomplishments for me. I'm going to get my hair cut on Saturday and finally get rid of all this damaged hair that I bleached myself a year ago. I'll be getting an IUD soon, which I think will work better for me than what I've been using in the past. I'm applying to get my mom removed as cosigner for my private student loans, so that if I go bankrupt or default it won't be her responsibility anymore. I've been wanting that for a long time, both so that I can stop feeling guilty for having this debt hanging over her head when it's really mine, and so that I can move towards financially disentangling myself from her and start being a real adult. I'm also thinking about getting my own health insurance, but...things seem a little turbulent on that front, lol. Maybe I'll just let her keep footing that monthly bill for me.

As for the grad school applications...really I haven't made any progress on them, but am starting to pull my writing portfolio together, which is the most important part. It's not going to be my best writing because I'm doing it so last-minute which is the EXACT SAME THING I did last year and is very frustrating, but what can I do? If it's good enough, it's good enough, and if it's not, then it's not. Real legitimacy in writing doesn't come from a degree anyway, but from a daily writing practice. There is no magic password to the literary world, just hard work and luck.

The flea issue has been a lot better lately, I'm hoping the bites that are still on my legs are just leftovers and will heal soon. We'll see. I need to get rid of all these bites and rashes so that I can go on some dates, dammit!

[brownblob]

Hi,
Politics can be upsetting. I find the best thing is to try to put things in perspective. I can stay informed. I can vote. But in reality, I'm one insignificant person in this country and the government will do what it does regardless of what I think, so it's not worth getting worked up about. I have enough problems to deal with already.
Good luck with your Talkspace therapy.
Small accomplishments are accomplishments none the less. Small victories are better than inaction. Best of luck with your writing.

[littleraincloud]

Thank you, brownblob. I'm trying to focus on things I can change.

[littleraincloud]

A hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa. Nobody should ever believe me when I say that I'm making progress on my writing. I had to take a day off work after getting my IUD in because it messed me up, so including that day I had/have five free days before I have to go back to work on Monday, and so far I have done NOTHING on my applications or my writing even though I said I would. I'm so tired of being a hot mess who never changes. But who cares!

[littleraincloud]

I WROTE HALF A STORY TODAY. TOO LITTLE IS BETTER THAN NOTHING.

[littleraincloud]

I'm making progress not because I'm working hard and have been focusing, but because the deadlines are less than a month away and I have no choice. Ended up whittling my school list from twelve to ten to five, and I'm thinking of making it four lol. I've given up before even finishing submitting, and don't really expect to get in anywhere. But I'm in this far and I have to try. Every day is the same realization that I haven't been working on my writing, that my skills are weak and I'm nowhere near where I should be even to get into an MFA program. Trying not to beat myself up about it because I can't go back into the past and fix my procrastination, and in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. Maybe I'll never be a good enough writer to make a career of it. What then? I'm not sure. But it's a bit early to be thinking of that kind of failure when I haven't even really begun to try (I keep telling myself).

Nothing else is happening in my life. This is my sole worry and focus.

[littleraincloud]

Sent out official letter of recommendation requests for four/five of my schools (the last one makes you submit the whole application before letters can be uploaded - pretty weird). Asked my brother and sister to look over my writing portfolio and say what they think. Neither of them are big literary fiction fans, but I trust their judgment, and outside views always help. Slowly but surely making progress Again I feel like I need to put the qualifier that I'm sure my writing isn't good enough, but I'm going to do it anyway lol.

I'm trying to feel a little more confidence in myself. Because it's unlikely that I'll get into any school, I'm lowkey planning what to do after I'm rejected. I feel now that I probably can make it in a big city and shouldn't doubt myself. I think that it would be fun to work in publishing in London. It's not like I need anybody's permission to do it (except the UK government for a work visa).

Today was my brother's birthday, and the other night the whole family went out to dinner to celebrate. Had a great time, and then spent probably three hours goofing around with siblings and taking photos in front of the Christmas tree. It was nice to have a little break and enjoy time with family.