littleraincloud's diary

[littleraincloud]

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! I did it! I just submitted my final grad school application and I never want to do anything like that ever again in my natural life!!!! Oh, good God did I procrastinate. But now it's done and I finally don't have to worry about it any more. I don't even expect to get into any schools, but I had to try. Now I want to go to sleep because I'm on my period and freakin' exhausted.

Also I finally arranged for an exterminator a week ago because nothing else was working and took the cat to the vet to get her some heavy duty flea medication. It was stressful but hopefully it'll work. Haven't noticed any little bugs jumping around as of late, but I have to keep vigilant and keep vacuuming.

Also also also I've been on a few dates since my last update but none of them worked out because I ended up not really being attracted to any of them. That's what happens when you meet people online. Got another date on Wednesday, we'll see how it goes.

[brownblob]

Awesome that you got your grad school application done. I know you struggled with it for the last few months. I hope the exterminator gets the job done. Fleas are awful. Good luck with the dating.

[rivergirl]

Congratulations on getting your application done, littleraincloud, that was quite a long struggle for you. I hope other things are going better for you too.

[littleraincloud]

So I got an email back a few days ago rejecting my application to one of the schools, which is kind of a bummer but not unexpected considering they only have ten seats available in their program. That's kind of the problem! It's a very exclusive club! I was pretty disappointed and upset, obviously, but am trying to focus on other things for now and not worry about what the other four schools will say. I'm always focused on alternate plans, like maybe teaching English in France or Japan, or doing a working holiday in Ireland which I just found out is a thing you can do, or going to a community college to become a librarian, or moving to New York or Boston or London if I can get a job anywhere, or just doing any fucking thing other than sitting in my mom's house and rotting away.

Sometimes I feel optimistic, sometimes pessimistic, but overall I feel that things are looking up and that I have options. Or at least I hope that I do. Trying to kick my ass about certain things - I have an alarm set reminding me to write daily, though I've failed more than succeeded on that front. On Saturday I requested a personal trainer at the local gym, which is an expense but one that I really need because I have NOT been able to hold myself accountable to my own weight loss/fitness goals.

I also went on another date recently, where I embarrassed myself because I came right from the optometrist's office and my pupils were mad dilated and I looked like a demon, and my date was easy to chat to but she didn't seem that in to me and hasn't texted back since then, so...on to the next one, whenever I can get up the energy and self-confidence to sell myself to another person.

[littleraincloud]

Jesus Christ, just when I think I can't get any more incompetent. I logged into the application portal for one of my schools for the first time because I was registering for an information event, and just found out that I FORGOT TO UPLOAD AN OFFICIAL UNDERGRADUATE TRANSCRIPT. THEY HAVE BEEN WAITING ON ME TO SEND THIS FOR TWO MONTHS. I AM A USELESS IMBECILE AND THEY'LL NEVER ACCEPT ME NOW.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...this is the EXACT same stupid shit I did last year. Doesn't make me look very good to forget basic stuff like that does it!!!!

[littleraincloud]

FUCK FUCK FUCK ANOTHER APPLICAITON IS STILL MISSING A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION AND A TRANSCRIPT TOO. FUCK ME. I AM THE BIGGEST FUCKING MORON TO EVER WALK THE EARTH AND SHOULD NOT EVER LEAVE MY MOM'S HOUSE EVER AGAIN.

so yeah hahhahahahahhahha i was rejected by a school, fucking DIDN'T COMPLETE THE APPLICAITONS for two schools, and now am down to hearing back from two schools. cool cool cool i dont' even care anymore you guys

[littleraincloud]

I give up.

[brownblob]

Sorry to hear your applications got screwed up

[littleraincloud]

Thanks friend

[littleraincloud]

~More updates from my life I guess~

I'm in therapy again (with what I think is my fourth therapist in two years, god knows how many I've seen in total) because I had a day where I felt like life was unbearable and called in for help. I feel kind of awkward now because I couldn't articulate in our first meeting exactly what I wanted to accomplish with her help. Mostly I just want somebody to talk to. There are lots of things that make me unhappy with my current life situation but few of them are easily changeable. But she's been helpful so far (just two meetings) with trying to get me to focus more on small, positive things. This week I'm supposed to start setting up some better habits, like reading instead of going on the computer to goof around immediately after work, and working on my writing every day. These are all things I knew that I had to do before, but excused myself from doing when push came to shove ("I'll do it tomorrow," the constant refrain!). Being held accountable feels nice. Well, nicer than feeling like a useless blobbity blob for never doing anything.

Still waiting to hear back from two schools at this point. Plotting my next moves. I'm going to sign up for a DELF/DALF examination in June (still trying to figure out what proficiency level I should go for) so I can finally have concrete proof, not of fluency, but of SOME French language ability. It will look better on my resume than just a degree. Was also thinking of taking the JLPT, but those won't be held until December, and I hope to be either in school or a new job by then, but will prepare for it anyway, I think. Time to test myself.

I felt incredibly anxious recently because I had a terrible job performance in February (objectively, not just because of how I felt about how I was doing), but I'm already doing better for March though I'm far from where I need to be by the end of the month. So I can't relax, but I can hold my head a little higher. The biggest issue is that I love goofing off at work, reading news articles, listening to podcasts, not really focusing. And it shows. The only solution is, again, to change my habits!