Idiopathic Dave's Diary (Ramblings during anxiety attack)
Posted: January 4th, 2015, 2:32 am
I'm somewhat frantic in thought, been feeling nauseous for awhile now. I'm lost, confused, and unsure of everything. I know that last phrase is cryptic, but it's the unfortunate truth. I'm not suicidal at all. Just utterly unhappy. I've been living with severe heart failure for 3 years. I'm now 26, going to be 27 this year. I lost my life the day the doctor gave me my diagnosis, I was just unaware of that fact at the time so I endured and had a chipper and uplifting attitude for a good while. I quit smoking, began exercising as much as my fragile heart would allow, eating healthier, believing that soon one day all would go back to normal. Reality has in fact crept it's horrifying yet necessary familiarity within me. I'm now smoking again, not as much as before, but still am. I gained back the weight lost, and am exercising as much as my apathy will allow. Another factor is if I feel I have enough energy to do so. I had a job which I felt was a good stepping stone towards a career. It was an apprenticeship I was fortunate enough to be selected for. I had an apartment. Smaller, but affordable, quiet and I needed no roommates. I had finally proven to myself just months before the diagnosis my own capabilities. For the first time, I felt as though I had begun to forge a path as an adult. Within the blink of an eye it was gone. On December 19, 2011 I was taken to the emergency room. Prior, I had been coughing up blood, short of breath, and my energy level was virtually not existent. Within a few hours me and my father were told I had a pulmonary embolism in my right lung. Blood clot. In my lung. "Great!", I thought. "I'll be in here for a few days, get that taken care of and soon everything will be normal". How wrong I was. A day later it was found I had Cardiomyopathy (Heart Failure). My Ejection Fraction was at 15% on the left side of my heart. A normal, healthy hearts E/J is between 65 and 80 percent I've been told. I was in the hospital for 10 days. All the while keeping a smile on face, believing life threw a curve ball, but I would come out on top. I lost my job soon after. My apprenticeship moved on. I lost my apartment. I was moved back in with my parents. I've been here ever since. In this small room, distracting myself with YouTube videos, video games, and anything interesting or funny I could find. I'll be perfectly honest with you at this point. Right now I'm crying. For years I've struggled with anxiety, depression, identity, moral beliefs, family, and just simply trying to find some sort of normalcy to myself and my life. God knows how long I really have left on this earth. My ejection fraction dropped down 5% in a matter of a month. 10%. Not much living you can do with that number.
My heart stopped one week before my birthday. I was walking on the treadmill regularly, my weight was staying at bay and I even dropped a few. I felt good finally. I finished my walk, walked over to the couch where my father was watching tv. My mother was on the other couch crocheting a hat or beanie or some such thing. She's very very artistic. My heart began to beat quicker and harder than it ever has, and faster than the blink of an eye my eyes closed, head leaned back, and I was gone. My mother swears I was gone for merely 10 seconds at most, but when I was shocked to, thanks to the defibrillator in my chest, my father was bending over in front of me, staring. I personally believe, I was gone for a few minutes. When I finally came to, my head feeling fuzzy as though a computer was just rebooted and everything was coming back online. I looked at him and muttered, "I just had the weirdest dream..." To me it was a dream. I had thought I had fallen asleep quickly and had just woke back up. I looked to my right, and my mother was in the kitchen standing with the phone to her ear. "Oh, he just woke up", she said. I looked at my father, and in a sort of playful annoyed voice asked, "....what happened...?" He told me my eyes rolled back, and I went limp. Shortly after my body was jolted. The first shock. Soon after than my body when completely rigid with electricity. Second shock, much more effective. I sat there dazed and simultaneously feeling slightly euphoric. "Well, it works". I jokingly said aloud. To make this long story short, my electrolytes were exceptionally low. I spent I believe 4 or 5 days in the hospital getting everything back to normal. I would like to say at this point that when I "left", that's the way I tell family and friends of me dying to soften to blow, I do remember going somewhere. If you'd like to hear (or read) the experience feel free to ask me.
I've stopped crying. I feel calmer. Maybe I just needed to write this. I'll post it though personally I feel somewhat foolish for doing so. I don't know why. Maybe I just want someone, anyone, to know that I exist. One thing is for sure, I'm an open book. At least as much as I can be. There's so much more I want to write, but I think any more and I'd just be rambling. As if I haven't been doing so already. If you read this in it's entirety, thank you. If you skimmed it, I still thank you. If you skipped this, you probably won't see this anyway so....titty sprinkles.
A word of advice from from one unhappy person to anyone struggling in any way. When you're feeling sad, please close your eyes and imagine the voice of Morgan Freeman reciting the words "Titty Sprinkles". I hope it brings even the slightest grin to your face.
My heart stopped one week before my birthday. I was walking on the treadmill regularly, my weight was staying at bay and I even dropped a few. I felt good finally. I finished my walk, walked over to the couch where my father was watching tv. My mother was on the other couch crocheting a hat or beanie or some such thing. She's very very artistic. My heart began to beat quicker and harder than it ever has, and faster than the blink of an eye my eyes closed, head leaned back, and I was gone. My mother swears I was gone for merely 10 seconds at most, but when I was shocked to, thanks to the defibrillator in my chest, my father was bending over in front of me, staring. I personally believe, I was gone for a few minutes. When I finally came to, my head feeling fuzzy as though a computer was just rebooted and everything was coming back online. I looked at him and muttered, "I just had the weirdest dream..." To me it was a dream. I had thought I had fallen asleep quickly and had just woke back up. I looked to my right, and my mother was in the kitchen standing with the phone to her ear. "Oh, he just woke up", she said. I looked at my father, and in a sort of playful annoyed voice asked, "....what happened...?" He told me my eyes rolled back, and I went limp. Shortly after my body was jolted. The first shock. Soon after than my body when completely rigid with electricity. Second shock, much more effective. I sat there dazed and simultaneously feeling slightly euphoric. "Well, it works". I jokingly said aloud. To make this long story short, my electrolytes were exceptionally low. I spent I believe 4 or 5 days in the hospital getting everything back to normal. I would like to say at this point that when I "left", that's the way I tell family and friends of me dying to soften to blow, I do remember going somewhere. If you'd like to hear (or read) the experience feel free to ask me.
I've stopped crying. I feel calmer. Maybe I just needed to write this. I'll post it though personally I feel somewhat foolish for doing so. I don't know why. Maybe I just want someone, anyone, to know that I exist. One thing is for sure, I'm an open book. At least as much as I can be. There's so much more I want to write, but I think any more and I'd just be rambling. As if I haven't been doing so already. If you read this in it's entirety, thank you. If you skimmed it, I still thank you. If you skipped this, you probably won't see this anyway so....titty sprinkles.
A word of advice from from one unhappy person to anyone struggling in any way. When you're feeling sad, please close your eyes and imagine the voice of Morgan Freeman reciting the words "Titty Sprinkles". I hope it brings even the slightest grin to your face.
