It All Started With a Cough (Idiopathic Dave's Journal)
Posted: February 5th, 2015, 12:31 am
It's been over three years since it all started. It all started with a cough though. A Bronchitis infection that my body fought off with antibodies, and in turn those same antibodies fighting for me ended up fighting against me. I've talked at length about the events that followed so I won't bore you with any long drawn out explanations of them. In the blink of an eye everything changed. I lost all that I had worked for, and was back at square one sinking in quicksand while my naivety held the smile on my face. Although I can without question say I'm not happy, I can also say with question that I am no longer angry or sad about my situation. My emotions towards it have become static. Unclear, but not showing any signs of one feeling or another. I've merely become contemplative. I've always had a mind that was constantly thinking about everything thing under the sun and every experience possible for a human to enjoy. It's caused great discomfort at times and even led to an existential crisis that had me questioning if I truly existed. I felt as though I were a visible phantom, walking through life only to watch and study everything, but not to live. Since I've resolved those feelings, for the most part, but there's still a part of me that feels like a phantom watching this world and admiring those who are not just alive, but live. For three years this small bedroom in the back of my parents house has been my home. It's taken on various roles. A prison, a temple, a hospital room, and at times, a padded room (figuratively speaking) housing a patient deemed unsuitable for a life in the outside world. Regardless of the role it takes on, it's been where I've done most my pondering and at times philosophizing. I've come to the realization that there is no "true" happiness. No person, place or thing that can bring about an unwavering feeling of happiness. There is however, small moments that bring warmth and happiness to our hearts and minds. They are scattered all throughout our lives. Faith, family, love, money, success, etc. These all have moments of down time, but your view on all things are subjective. If anyone reading this at all feels sad, afraid, alone, lost, out of control, numb, or if you're just having a bad day. Please know these feelings and problems are just a flash in time. Life is much bigger than you may be able to realize. You're never alone. Keep strong and find something to smile about my friends. Take care.