Learning to let feelings surface - two entries
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 10:23 am
For my "psychology of personal adjustment" class, we have to write weekly journal entries. I'd never written journals outside of the "livejournal" online community 14 yers ago, and it was scary. I also wish they didn't read as stunted as they do, because it reminds me that I am stunted emotionally. This also had me not want to show up for class last week, due to how overwhelmed I got. They're basic, but me and want to share to help dissolve the crap that came up.
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2/5/15 Journal Entry
My eyes shed tears when I watched the attachment theory video. I related to strong reactions to the mother’s disinterest and the impact it had on the children. There was one scene where a little girl was left in a room and I heard some chuckling in response to her reaction. That pained me too, as well as left me a little embarrassed because I felt for the child and it resonated with me.
I’ve recently admitted more that I will keep my emotions at bay. Even as I write this, I feel them leaving me after I allowed the pain to be felt in my heart. I know I have feelings of emotional neglect and I struggle with the frustration of doing what was done to me, to myself.
I also don’t know if I’m being treated poorly by friends. Then remember that I am so used to not feeling or having any sort of demands, that any seeming sign of a friend not being there, was set up by me anyway.
I keep wanting to push away, then psycho-analyze what I’m doing and come back to “reality” and tie it up with a nice bow. Like I need to come up with some reason why I’m feeling the way I do, as a way to work through it. My tears feel like crocodile tears again.
It brings me back to childhood when I would cry to get what I wanted. I intellectually know that I had no other way to get my needs met and I would cling to non-emotional “wants” as a way to feel better in my body.
I’ve distracted myself for years. I’ve intellectualized for years. I’m tired of feeling this way when I actually feel present.
I know this is me changing. Me admitting that I need to grow. Not cling to things, thoughts or people. To be responsible for myself. To be healthier.
I just hate the fact that I’m so interested in growing, so slow at it and that it seems like I want to always do it alone. That I’ve become more withdrawn and isolated.
But, I know that’s not true. It feels that way in my heart sometimes. However, I am noticing the lessons and awareness as I continue to admit where I am, not hide it. I see others’ humanity and struggles more.
Back again to no feeling. Back to in my head. Back to needing a “life lesson” at the end of a thought. Hoping the next one will keep me more in my heart and less in my head.
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2/12 Journal entry
I just washed out my water bottle and let the strong water be felt by me as I did it. This was a more pleasing experience than it probably should have been. I then flicked off the light in the kitchen, with a very similar response. The quick strong feeling of it was cool to feel. I’m now typing this entry, hoping that the keys continue to be felt, before it all goes away.
This morning I was able to make it about 90% before I then went back to turning myself back to not feeling anything or allowing any sort of pleasure to reach my body. This has been a life time struggle, and only somewhat due to mental health issues.
I was taught that I am spirit and that there were many “sins” around and that I must be righteous. Luckily, this was not reflected much in my household, just in school and church. However, what was reflected in my household, was the lack of feeling or showing any sort of emotion. Reason being? There were many years of what I mentioned above, engrained in the environment. Also? Any neighbor who did something “wrong” (in the eyes of my family) was judged and spoken about.
This made me a very quiet, yet observant, child. Who, learned that any sort of feeling or expression, aside from maybe a judge or a sarcastic yet truthful comment, was not welcomed. In fact, any time I tried, I was shut down. The upside to this, was many of my friends had similar hang ups and we were able to be there for eachother.
But, I’m still left, uncertain how to feel or express myself in many situations, and I feel robbed of the 32 years that this situation has been in tact.
Yesterday, I was berated by a stranger who was “interested” in me and I knew all along that they weren’t a good fit for me, but I still tried. Why? Because I doubt my own instincts and feel there’s something “wrong” with me, therefore, I must bark up the wrong trees and continue to shut my feelings off in response.
Today I poured out my liquor that I had recently bought. Alcohol has crept up on me as a stereotypical way to deal with my feelings. At first, I welcomed being able to drink and watch an emotional show, to broaden my emotions. More recently, I’ve been able to be touched by things when sober, and that’s been a good thing which I’d like to continue working on. Even if it’s just 5 minutes a day where I can really feel something. This should help my tendency to make a “flight” in response when I should “fight”.
I’ll eventually write these more without some sort of goal in mind. I know it doesn’t help as much as pure emotion as a way to resolve things.
----
2/5/15 Journal Entry
My eyes shed tears when I watched the attachment theory video. I related to strong reactions to the mother’s disinterest and the impact it had on the children. There was one scene where a little girl was left in a room and I heard some chuckling in response to her reaction. That pained me too, as well as left me a little embarrassed because I felt for the child and it resonated with me.
I’ve recently admitted more that I will keep my emotions at bay. Even as I write this, I feel them leaving me after I allowed the pain to be felt in my heart. I know I have feelings of emotional neglect and I struggle with the frustration of doing what was done to me, to myself.
I also don’t know if I’m being treated poorly by friends. Then remember that I am so used to not feeling or having any sort of demands, that any seeming sign of a friend not being there, was set up by me anyway.
I keep wanting to push away, then psycho-analyze what I’m doing and come back to “reality” and tie it up with a nice bow. Like I need to come up with some reason why I’m feeling the way I do, as a way to work through it. My tears feel like crocodile tears again.
It brings me back to childhood when I would cry to get what I wanted. I intellectually know that I had no other way to get my needs met and I would cling to non-emotional “wants” as a way to feel better in my body.
I’ve distracted myself for years. I’ve intellectualized for years. I’m tired of feeling this way when I actually feel present.
I know this is me changing. Me admitting that I need to grow. Not cling to things, thoughts or people. To be responsible for myself. To be healthier.
I just hate the fact that I’m so interested in growing, so slow at it and that it seems like I want to always do it alone. That I’ve become more withdrawn and isolated.
But, I know that’s not true. It feels that way in my heart sometimes. However, I am noticing the lessons and awareness as I continue to admit where I am, not hide it. I see others’ humanity and struggles more.
Back again to no feeling. Back to in my head. Back to needing a “life lesson” at the end of a thought. Hoping the next one will keep me more in my heart and less in my head.
----
2/12 Journal entry
I just washed out my water bottle and let the strong water be felt by me as I did it. This was a more pleasing experience than it probably should have been. I then flicked off the light in the kitchen, with a very similar response. The quick strong feeling of it was cool to feel. I’m now typing this entry, hoping that the keys continue to be felt, before it all goes away.
This morning I was able to make it about 90% before I then went back to turning myself back to not feeling anything or allowing any sort of pleasure to reach my body. This has been a life time struggle, and only somewhat due to mental health issues.
I was taught that I am spirit and that there were many “sins” around and that I must be righteous. Luckily, this was not reflected much in my household, just in school and church. However, what was reflected in my household, was the lack of feeling or showing any sort of emotion. Reason being? There were many years of what I mentioned above, engrained in the environment. Also? Any neighbor who did something “wrong” (in the eyes of my family) was judged and spoken about.
This made me a very quiet, yet observant, child. Who, learned that any sort of feeling or expression, aside from maybe a judge or a sarcastic yet truthful comment, was not welcomed. In fact, any time I tried, I was shut down. The upside to this, was many of my friends had similar hang ups and we were able to be there for eachother.
But, I’m still left, uncertain how to feel or express myself in many situations, and I feel robbed of the 32 years that this situation has been in tact.
Yesterday, I was berated by a stranger who was “interested” in me and I knew all along that they weren’t a good fit for me, but I still tried. Why? Because I doubt my own instincts and feel there’s something “wrong” with me, therefore, I must bark up the wrong trees and continue to shut my feelings off in response.
Today I poured out my liquor that I had recently bought. Alcohol has crept up on me as a stereotypical way to deal with my feelings. At first, I welcomed being able to drink and watch an emotional show, to broaden my emotions. More recently, I’ve been able to be touched by things when sober, and that’s been a good thing which I’d like to continue working on. Even if it’s just 5 minutes a day where I can really feel something. This should help my tendency to make a “flight” in response when I should “fight”.
I’ll eventually write these more without some sort of goal in mind. I know it doesn’t help as much as pure emotion as a way to resolve things.
