YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Yet another journal...might as well I guess. I already have a moleskin notebook, a livejournal (I rarely update anymore) and a blog I try and pass off as "writing" but it's really just essays into my spiraling cycle of self-pity and shame. I've kept a journal pretty regularly since age 7. I can't get enough navel gazing I guess.

I used to re-read my old journals out to try and crack the code to my anxiety and overall sense of futility. My really old journals are in storage at my parent's house so I haven't been able to delve back into myself too far since I moved out. Last night I started reading some of my old online journal from about 10 years ago. It made me feel gross. Hopeless. I was so dumb with the way I never dared to question my "all-knowing" mother and took everything out on myself. Mostly though they made me feel sick because so much hasn't changed. I still hate myself. I was just a little luckier in high school than right now. I had friends and the general "zest" that comes with youth to give me enough good days to feel like my mid to late teenage years were alright.

I cut myself a little after reading it. I was a little buzzed after a couple hard ciders but nothing like the times I cut within the last couple months. Those two times I felt outside of my body, totally hollow, I needed to cut to ground myself. Last night I just felt shameful and like I needed to punish myself for having this introspective pity fest. I didn't do much because I still only have this really dull box cutter. I keep wanted to steal a fresh one from work (I work in a wholesale warehouse so no one would notice) but for some reason I don't. I think I did it because my therapist had to go away this week so I don't have a session where I'll feel like I need to confess and feel more shame. I'll have time to build an explanation for her by next week - how stupid is that?

My girlfriend and I have a lot planned this weekend, going to see one of my favorite bands, going to a porn film fest and lecture series (I swear it's "artsy" haha) and I think she made dinner reservations. I'm not excited though. I should be happy. I should want to go out after so many weekends of feeling lonely and wishing I could socialize. I just wish I had friends. I made a few since moving but haven't held onto any, I just lose touch and don't know what to do or say after a certain point. My back and shoulder tension has been horrible this week, I keep slathering on icy hot but nothing helps. I just want to lay under the ice and snow and wait until spring, maybe that will clean my brain of all the shit I keep thinking about.

Dear Ladysquid, First, a giant hug, I am so sad that you wrestle with these demons and I find your journal to be brave and honest. I'm glad you have a therapist and are in recovery and working on healing. I do not have self harm on my roster but I remember as a small child doing things like picking at scabs when I was upset so I understand. I hope you have a fantastic weekend and enjoy your artsy porn festival! I just wanted you to know I read your journal, it tugged at my heart strings, and I care. Warm Wishes

Thanks Andyland! Your kind response means a lot.

If I focus on it, I actually am looking forward to the weekend. I'm just hoping it will help me feel OK enough to get through until my next therapy session without anymore self injury. I think connecting with my girlfriend, epic music, and boobs will help.

Well, here I am again. I feel like I'm so full of myself for posting here instead of responding to posts by others but I just can't muster compassion right now. I hate myself too much right now.

My therapist is going to a conference this week so I have no session. She asked me how I felt about it, I had missed a week when I posted my first entry here and cut myself. I felt resentful when she asked me about it. I kept thinking, "don't flatter yourself lady, I don't need you that much", and told her I thought I would be fine. But already I just feel so exhausted...I cut again last night while drunk. I think she was right to be concerned. Now I feel ashamed and stupid.

I applied for a couple new jobs while at work yesterday and got a response back for one right away. I got really excited, elated even. When I got home I researched the company. All the reviews on Glassdoor said they were awful and the turnover rate was very high. I also noticed in their posting they neglected to mention the name of their agency which seemed like a red flag. I already had reservations about getting into the PR industry as an introvert and this just sealed the deal. I cancelled my interview and spiraled into self hatred. Why do only shitty companies call me back? Why have I been working at this shitty company for almost a year and I still barely make enough for rent and get no health benefits? Why do I even think I could get a real job writing aside from this little crap freelance side job I do?

I printed out a description for a position at Vogue and hate myself for even entertaining that idea. Who the fuck do I think I am? I only have maybe one connection there and we really don't know each other well and he kind of seems like a snob, the type of person that would intern at Vogue before leaving NY to study design in Paris. I hate him. Maybe I'll still apply, I don't know... I doubt anyone will even see my application among the thousands of others.

I wish my girlfriend had late classes tonight so when I get home from work I could get completely drunk with no judgement. I feel like everything is getting so tightly wound around my body I just want to stop fighting and give in to total suffocation. My therapist suggested a group meeting last time we met but then found out it was already filled which just fueled my hopelessness along with the fact that I still need to call a new psychiatrist if I want to try meds again which I think I might need to... I just feel so tired and angry at everything including myself. I want to call out of work so badly tomorrow but I haven't been faking sick visibly enough for them to not be suspicious. I should just show them the cuts on my arm but I doubt they would even care.

Hi Again!

I'm a little drunk right now. But I feel...shameful, anxious, and gluttonous.

Shameful because I posted a bit of a rant on a friend's facebook post about a woman who "upgraded from shop-girl to millionaire's wife" by taking elocution classes and dressing better. Some people commented and agreed but others did not and I felt stupid for engaging them. I felt anxiety all day when I saw the little notifications pop up. I felt angry that women think it's fine to first lie to get a husband and second to pretend like money would make all their problems disappear... It just made me really angry and at the same time ashamed because I cared so much what these people were saying even though I have no idea who they are.

I get really worked up about comment sections and when my first article posted on xoJane and people started making condescending comments about my article I felt absolutely sick. I was initially so excited about it being published since it was my first pitch and first paid writing gig but then I saw the responses and my heart sank. I can't even look at it now out of fear. My therapist says it's kind of funny how much shame and embarrassment regarding other people's opinions bothers me yet I dream of an editorial career which involves publicly sharing my work and getting feedback. I'm still working on it... I love to write and my writing is the only area where I feel somewhat confident and like I am worth something but the feedback is still crushing.

Anxious because I have a networking event coming up. The companies featured are dream employers. I'm honestly excited and I feel like it will help me in my career. But the worry is ever present. I am worried that I am too old. It's for "recent grads and young professionals" and I graduated 3 years ago. What if they only want interns? I'm worried I will clam up like I usually do at these types of events and that my time will be wasted, or worse, that I will drink to cope and say something dumb. I'm so afraid but I'm making myself do it. I know it's what I need to get out of my boring job. I know it's important...but god am I terrified.

I feel gluttonous because even though I went to the gym all this long weekend I went to Popeye's instead of going again today. I ate delicious fried shrimp and mashed potatoes. JFCCCC it was satisfying. I ate so fast I shoveled it in like it would make the sting of guilt less if I could get rid of it fast. Then I bought my favorite wine and I'm on my third glass... I feel like I always do this. I'm "good" for a while then anxiety strikes and it's fried food, weed, and wine. I tried to find a nice dress today to wear to the networking event and my normal size was really tight. I feel so gross.

I listened to the podcast today on the train home and felt a little calmer...but my mind is still spinning. I am dreading work tomorrow at the office job I loathe. I wish I was better at social interactions. I wish I wasn't so sensitive and unsure. Maybe a cold shower will help. It's late and I feel totally on edge.

Until next time...

Back again to shout into the void! Paul shouted my blog post out on twitter about the Brooklyn event and I thought that would be enough to get me back into the swing of writing but no such luck. Writing just feels overwhelming again. I think I should work on my fiction piece instead of trying to think of current topics for my blog but all I really want to do is sleep.

I started eating a little better this week, brought a whole spread of food to keep in my work fridge, wheat crackers, hummus, cheese, veggies, fruit....but it hasn't done much to boost my energy. I'm thinking it might be allergy related sinus pressure making things worse but really I know it's just good old fashioned depression.

I'm making small changes like this food thing, hoping to get to yoga tonight, and also signed up for a volunteer orientation with the city so I can get the fuck out of my head and volunteer in the future...hopefully with animals or something outside. It's my anxiety that gets me moving but my depression just sits there fogging my brain.

Every day when my train goes over the bridge on my commute I stare at the water below and imagine disappearing into it. The reflection of the sun on the water looks so beautiful in the early morning that I can almost forget that I am crammed into a train on my way to a job I loathe...I just want to escape, be somewhere other than in my tired body and brain. I don't care about being happy, I just want some semblance of motivation that isn't fueled by dread.

At least I'm not cutting myself. At least I'm not drinking. I don't know what that's supposed to prove. My anxiety constantly reminds me that time is slipping away and I better get the fuck up and make these changes, or else... I'm just tired.

That proves a lot, actually.

Look, I know where you are coming from. That giant part inside us that feels defective. That section that goes numb, or shuts off when we use alcohol, drugs, or I suspect cutting.

For us to not do those activities proves your dealing with it. If you can, maybe I can, and that makes me smile. That river view sounds amazing.

Thanks for the encouragement, it means a lot. It's just difficult to give myself credit for anything, I'm sure you can relate. Brains are a bitch.

And it's actually the ocean I see...but the dirty NYC ocean with sludge and bodies in it. Hehe

Back again! I'm 2 hard ciders in on an empty stomach so bear with me.

I had therapy today and almost felt like laughing when my therapist got really concerned and asked if I wanted to hurt myself of drink too much. But I guess between talking about feeling angry and numb at the sme time and the fact that I feel utterly alone in my relationship could give some cause for concern.

I don't know. Some good things have been happening. I think I'm getting on track with caring for myself a bit more but I feel myself slipping back into apathy. This weekend I came to accept the sexual part of my 5 year relationship is not even a festering wound anymore. It's gotten to the point where it's just totally decayed and turned to dust. Nothing. The last time we really had sex, like sex where one person didn't just stop and get bored or just avoid eye contact the entire time, it was probably 3 years ago. That part of me is reserved for porn now and I hate it.

The thing is she was so much the player when we met. She's had hundreds of partners. I've had 6. I thought the fact that we had compatible kinks would take us through the years with ease but now all we do is bicker. I harp about her being messy and not paying her fucking half of the fucking bills and she throws something hurtful back at me and calls me a nag and says I am always freaking out for no reason. I know her ADHD makes her forgetful and impulsive and she knows my anxiety makes me overthink and over plan but we have zero sympathy for each other anymore. Honestly ever since we started living together it all went to shit and that was 4 years ago. We're just roommates now and the more I think about it the more sick I feel.

My therapist asked if my girlfriend would consider coming in to a session and that time I actually did laugh. She would never. She then asked me if I wanted her to help me break up and I felt like I was punched in the gut. This is what I know, this is familiar, this is OK right? Even know as she's watching TV in the other room I pretend nothing is wrong. I feel so alone.

Please take care, ladysquid. I am sorry you are going through this.