YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Match 24, 2015



Went to bed early, got seven hours of sleep, got up early. Got bored, ate some rye bread and cheese, then decided to go to the launderette, do my laundry and decided to write about it here, while waiting for the dryer to finish.

These last couple of months, I've slowly become a different person. I feel high all the time and by high I really mean, I don't feel pessimistic, doomed, hopeless, sad, sorry or angry. I just feel optimistic and for once I feel like, I'm not being five minutes late to my life, but really on point and present. I'm still worried, over-thinking and analyzing too much of what I say and do, but I'm being much kinder to myself, less judgmental and I'm not coming to the same negative conclusions, I used to.

Today I have to go at drop-in center(Danish translation) at 11.00 and talk with a guy about trying organizing my eating times a little bit better, after that meet a friend for coffee afterwards and fuck me, if I didn't already do my laundry. Tomorrow I gotta do this and that and the day after that and this and I've got the energy to and... I want to. My life came to a halt a few years ago, I had ground myself into a ground, I couldn't go on, I saw my life as a prison sentencing, that I had to endure, but the last year's serious work is starting to pay off.

I want to write more, but the dryer is done and I have to be somewhere in 30 min, so I'll just leave you diary with this.

What really got me started was Paul's "There is hope, if you're willing to get out of you comfort zone." The first 70-80 times I heard it, I thought: "Oh that's a nice thing to say," but around episode 80, something hit me like a truck, the word "hope" suddenly, surprisingly resonated with me. As child protection service worker Ray said, you have to be thankless, because it's really the people themselves, that as to do the work, he can only show us the way, but hey, I really think mentalpod got me started.

That's all dear Diary, ta-ta.

Fargin wrote:I feel high all the time and by high I really mean, I don't feel pessimistic, doomed, hopeless, sad, sorry or angry. I just feel optimistic and for once I feel like, I'm not being five minutes late to my life, but really on point and present.

This is awesome, Fargin!

Wrote this earlier today:


Meet a cognitive training goal today.

Sunday May 24th, I decided I was going to be a more energetic-ish person and wanted to become a person, that went down to the beach swimming, instead of sitting in a small apartment, wishing I had the energy and courage to do it. I figured, I go down to the ocean bath at the beach, not thinking about the temperature, walk up to the five meter ledge and jump in without hesitation. I found my trunks, cleared my mind and rode down to the beach. Three meters before the five meter ledge, I momentarily thought about what I was doing, which provoked my central nervous system into action and it shut down all my motor functions. Instantly I knew, I would never make the five meter jump into the water, so my anxiety level decreased enough, to allow my central nervous system to grant me limited use of my movement system. I used whatever little control I had, walked down to the three meter ledge and jumped in the cold water. I think, if I had originally planned to jump from the three meter ledge, I would have frozen there, but because I had faced the five meter dive, I found the three meter jump less scary and I was so scared of the five meter jump, I forgot all about the 11 degree Celsius water.

Since last of May, I've been down at the beach swimming 25 times, making a deal with myself, that the important thing wasn't the five meter jump, but being more active and moving the limits of my central nervous system, which is what I call my anxiety disorder. I told myself, that I've come a long way from feeling frozen in fear, stuck in a small apartment and that it was more important to get out every day and train/increase my activity level and mental/emotional resiliency and that the five meter ledge would still be there next year. So for more than a month, I've allowed myself to jump from the three meter ledge, feeling good and sure about it.

However as the summer began and the water temperature rose from 11° to +20°, more and more people started using the ocean bath at the sea and when I walked out the bridge, I could often see people jumping from the five meter ledge and really, it didn't really look like much different. This last week, I've been daring myself to go up there and just jump, but as I locked my bike and walked out the bridge, my anxiety took over and in order to get a nice swim, I allowed myself to jump from the three meter ledge.

Well today I was busy, so I arrived early and no one was there. I went up to the five meter ledge, stood at the very edge and when the anxiety peaked, I worked my cognitive magic, I learned in the last half year's therapy. I knew, I knew how to jump into the water safely, I knew the height difference really was a non-issue and I knew, I only had to take one step forward and then gravity would override my anxiety, take control and guide me safely into the water. This line of thought took maybe two seconds and then I stepped forward and jumped from the five meter ledge into the water. Later this afternoon, I returned, the ocean bath was full of loud young people, I got in line at the five meter ledge and when it was my turn, I jumped without hesitation.

A mind it a terrible thing to wasted, I wasted mine for forty one years being paralyzed by fear, but damn, if I'm not slowly beginning to change my thinking patterns and getting increasing control over my fears.

That is all.

Far-GIN!!! That is so good to hear!! Yeah, being willing to go out of your comfort zone--really, really key. I often let Paul's admonition slide by me without paying it too much mind, or alternately hear it as an exciting challenge and a hopeful one (or as a bit of a taunt, on the bad days). What you've written is inspiring and easy to relate to -- it's so wonderful when things sort of settle and lighten, and the world becomes a place that feels a bit more like home. Sounds like you've really built this for yourself, step-by-step. Very cool, and thanks for sharing it with us.

-gt

Fargin wrote:A mind it a terrible thing to wasted, I wasted mine for forty one years being paralyzed by fear, but damn, if I'm not slowly beginning to change my thinking patterns and getting increasing control over my fears.

This is so awesome. Great story. Please keep it up and keep us informed!

ME 2.8

Been a while since I visited this place, maybe it's time to start listening to the pod again.

Last half on 2015 was pretty bad, total anxiety meltdown. Spent much of 2016 warming up to the thought of moving closer to my family and I realized it here in November. Long story short, I made the move and I'm happier for it, but I knew it would take everything I had and it did. Now I just have to get back to doing the things, I know works. I need to start exercising again and I've made up my mind to go to a gym tomorrow. I needed a change of scenery and it turns out my brother did too. So now we live five minutes apart, instead of across the country and we've begun seeing each other regularly.

Hi Fargin, great to see you around again.

Fargin wrote:Now I just have to get back to doing the things, I know works. I need to start exercising again and I've made up my mind to go to a gym tomorrow.

This is a great bit of self-love. You deserve it.

Hello Fargin,
Welcome back! Congratulations on making such a big move. I hope it continues to be a positive change for you.

rivergirl