Dear sunlessgirl
Posted: June 30th, 2016, 6:05 pm
God this is really hard
I journal on paper but no one will see it and I don't know what to talk about
I am supposed to be nice to my inner child and give her permission to be scared and to be heard maybe I will start there.
When I was little around 8 or 9 my mom's friends little boy convinced me to play show me yours and I can try to put my mouth on it - I don't know why I did it - I think I just wanted to be liked - it was after my father died and I think I was just so craving to have some kind of security - my mom was completely emotionally vacant - we did not talk about how sad we were - I was given pamphlets on grief sent to talk to a nice lady and people gave us a lot of food - as a child I did not put any of it together with my father's death - I thought everyone went and talked with puppets with the nice lady with puppets - I was never told it was grief counseling and I guess my mom assumed that the school would deal with my emotional health -
That is not a school's job - its a mom's job - to give a child a safe place to say I was hurt or I am hurting I want to share my thoughts - but she never gave me a space to do that - I felt a great deal of shame about the boy I told my mom finally after what I now realize was a major anxiety attack and she completely minimized me and shut me down and made me feel even worse about myself...
Little me... it wasn't your fault...
You were a poor hurt little girl you lost your father and no one knew how to reach you and you began to just fade into yourself - your feelings are normal and valid and its not your fault - this boy saw you were vulnerable and you were accessible by being around - you will feel shame but you are not that shame - you had never been told about boundaries - you have no idea what that little boy may have endured why he thought that was normal to ask - I think he may have been hurt as well - but your desire not to feel that shame not to have to be triggered by that event should have been valued by your mom - she should have listened and seen that you were so scared to share with her - I believe you little me. We will get through the bad tummy days together - just hold my hand and ask for a hug when you feel that yucky tummy feeling - I will hug you close -
When I was a little older the man my mother married molested me - he groomed me and made me feel like I had a dad again - and then he betrayed that safety - and completely destroyed my confidence and safety and mental health - I lost my bio father to death and then I lost my father figure through such an insidious act and I still cannot be near that man - what is worse is that he came clean to my mom and my mom did not kick him out - she was spineless and co dependent and kept him in our house and expected me to forgive him and treat him as an authority figure to be respected
Little me you know you were not at fault - you know you are not to blame and you know that you should feel no shame - I know you do though - and I want to hug you - I am here to say that you are ok to feel anger and hurt - to be so disappointed in your mom and you were so much bigger than you thought you are not a coward for not pressing charges you are a hero - you knew that your mom would not be able to function without some partner - you knew that if he left he could be replaced by something worse - and at least after that he never touched you again not physically - no he was just miserable and drunk all the time - made your house chaos and still not safe.
If I had been there I would have told you that you are smart and that you are capable and that you are supported - I support you - I defend you - I love you little me - I am crying right now for the light that was stolen from you - I know that before dad dies you were bubbly you loved people you couldn't wait to be in the world and meet and talk to people - I miss that little girl a lot - I need her back with me now - but I promise to keep you safe - I will not let you get triggered - we can do this together -
I missed so much - we missed so much - I'm so sorry
I journal on paper but no one will see it and I don't know what to talk about
I am supposed to be nice to my inner child and give her permission to be scared and to be heard maybe I will start there.
When I was little around 8 or 9 my mom's friends little boy convinced me to play show me yours and I can try to put my mouth on it - I don't know why I did it - I think I just wanted to be liked - it was after my father died and I think I was just so craving to have some kind of security - my mom was completely emotionally vacant - we did not talk about how sad we were - I was given pamphlets on grief sent to talk to a nice lady and people gave us a lot of food - as a child I did not put any of it together with my father's death - I thought everyone went and talked with puppets with the nice lady with puppets - I was never told it was grief counseling and I guess my mom assumed that the school would deal with my emotional health -
That is not a school's job - its a mom's job - to give a child a safe place to say I was hurt or I am hurting I want to share my thoughts - but she never gave me a space to do that - I felt a great deal of shame about the boy I told my mom finally after what I now realize was a major anxiety attack and she completely minimized me and shut me down and made me feel even worse about myself...
Little me... it wasn't your fault...
You were a poor hurt little girl you lost your father and no one knew how to reach you and you began to just fade into yourself - your feelings are normal and valid and its not your fault - this boy saw you were vulnerable and you were accessible by being around - you will feel shame but you are not that shame - you had never been told about boundaries - you have no idea what that little boy may have endured why he thought that was normal to ask - I think he may have been hurt as well - but your desire not to feel that shame not to have to be triggered by that event should have been valued by your mom - she should have listened and seen that you were so scared to share with her - I believe you little me. We will get through the bad tummy days together - just hold my hand and ask for a hug when you feel that yucky tummy feeling - I will hug you close -
When I was a little older the man my mother married molested me - he groomed me and made me feel like I had a dad again - and then he betrayed that safety - and completely destroyed my confidence and safety and mental health - I lost my bio father to death and then I lost my father figure through such an insidious act and I still cannot be near that man - what is worse is that he came clean to my mom and my mom did not kick him out - she was spineless and co dependent and kept him in our house and expected me to forgive him and treat him as an authority figure to be respected
Little me you know you were not at fault - you know you are not to blame and you know that you should feel no shame - I know you do though - and I want to hug you - I am here to say that you are ok to feel anger and hurt - to be so disappointed in your mom and you were so much bigger than you thought you are not a coward for not pressing charges you are a hero - you knew that your mom would not be able to function without some partner - you knew that if he left he could be replaced by something worse - and at least after that he never touched you again not physically - no he was just miserable and drunk all the time - made your house chaos and still not safe.
If I had been there I would have told you that you are smart and that you are capable and that you are supported - I support you - I defend you - I love you little me - I am crying right now for the light that was stolen from you - I know that before dad dies you were bubbly you loved people you couldn't wait to be in the world and meet and talk to people - I miss that little girl a lot - I need her back with me now - but I promise to keep you safe - I will not let you get triggered - we can do this together -
I missed so much - we missed so much - I'm so sorry