YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

(tw: some suicide stuff)

I used to keep a diary thread in another mental health forum -- an ED recovery one, back in my eating disordered days -- and since it was really helpful to me when I was going through a lot of struggling and transitional life stuff, I figured I'd pick up the practice here. (I could go back to that other forum, but it feels a little weird now that I'm over 2 years recovered from that particular struggle.) Anyways.

I'm struggling a little bit this week, for two reasons. First, July 28th, 2014, was the date of my first (of 2) suicide attempts. So that anniversary was a couple days ago, and I, as a person, tend to place a lot of weight on anniversaries. Last year, this particular anniversary totally gutted me, but this year it was mostly okay. I worked, I hung out, I went to bed, it was basically an ordinary day, plus some extra self-reflection. Still, it brings up a lot of bad memories, obviously. That attempt was fairly traumatic for me, and hurts to think about, even two years later. Compounding that, a couple girls I follow on Instagram in the recovery community had recent overdoses (my attempt was an overdose, same medication as they both tried) and seeing their posts hurt my heart both for me and for them.

Secondly, and more importantly, I'm moving out in a month and I am totally scared. I was more excited than nervous until I took a weekend trip by myself to the city I'm moving to, and now I'm just scared. I had car trouble when I was up there, and I got totally lost. I probably called my dad ten times for help with either the car or navigation. I've lived independently before, but I've been either institutionalized or living with my parents for over two years now. I'm scared I won't be able to cope, or that I'll get really sick again and need to come home. I'm going to be staying with my aunt and uncle at first, and I'm afraid I'll either overstay my welcome while trying to find an apartment, or get sick and freak them out by suddenly requiring to be hospitalized. (My story is I tend to keep everything to myself until it reaches crisis point, so usually no one knows anything is wrong until I'm being committed against my will.) I don't handle stress well and I'm scared I'll go back to my unsafe coping habits. I've been doing really well for the past 5 months and it will be 6 months stable by the time I move, and I do have to move on at some point. I'm just scared. Also, I'll be leaving my dog behind with my parents, and realistically I don't know if I'm going to be able to come back for him at all in the near future. He's fine with them, they love him and he loves them and gets along great with their dog... But it makes me sad every time I cuddle him knowing that those cuddles might be very limited. And I'm scared about money, my car breaking down, finding work, finding work QUICKLY, and finding an apartment, plus knowing I have to get my brakes done on my car AND a set of winter tires within those first couple months, which probably means working a couple jobs at first to try to get some money saved up and those up-front expenses dealt with. (Not to mention 1st/last/deposit on a rental.)

I have therapy this week and today I was thinking I might ask to move it back up to once a week (rather than every other week) until I leave, because the idea of leaving is getting really scary and I might need some support. But I don't know, it sounds dumb, but that feels kind of like stepping backwards and I don't want to step backwards. I've made a lot of forwards progress these last five months, coming from a non-functional intensely suicidal intensely dangerous place to being employed full-time, trusted to be alone and even leave town for weekend trips, trusted with my medications (finally, I was on daily med pick-up for soooo long), and moving back up in therapy frequency doesn't feel like a part of that progress. I had been so proud of being in twice-monthly therapy after being in once-weekly (or more) for the last four years.

The good stuff: I currently work for a chain fast food restaurant with several locations in my new city, and my managers seem to like me there, so their references should be valuable in trying to find a new job, especially one with the same restaurant. I have at least one professional (social services industry, not service) contact in the city, and we're having coffee after I get there, so that could be a start in finding some job leads (or at least in securing an awesome reference.) I also have a couple apartment buildings in mind to look into. And I have lived independently successfully before, it was just before the bipolar got really bad -- but the bipolar seems to be under control right now, so there's no real reason I can't live on my own again.

Sorry if this post is a little incoherent -- I'm a tiny bit buzzed but mostly really tired, it's 11:30 PM and I've been up since 3AM for work. For those of you playing along at home, that's 20 1/2 hours awake, which is not a lot for some, but is kind of a lot for me. I did a lot of driving today too. After work I took a trip to the next town over to see Star Trek: Beyond in the nice theatre, and that's a 3/3 1/2 hour drive round trip. (This is life in an end-of-the-road Alaskan town.) So I'm kind of worn out, but in that wide awake kind of way. (Three cheers if you know what I mean.)

Anyways, I'm sure I'll be around some in this transition. Thanks Paul for creating this space for us to share our feelings and thoughts and experiences, and thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this.

Hi Flora,
You've got a lot going on right now. The only thing I can tell you is to try to take it one step at a time so as not to get overwhelmed. You should be proud of the progress you've made. When I was younger, I went through suicide attempts and hospitalizations and it is a big deal just to be able to work a job and start functioning in the real world. Now you're going to make another transition to moving to the city. Be proud of yourself.
It's a shame you can't take your dog with you. My dog passed away last year and I still miss him. They are full of so much love.
I don't think asking for weekly therapy until you leave is a step backwards. You saying I need help right now is you saying I'm aware of the situation and I'm going to take care of myself and not let this send me backwards.

You are so brave!

I mean it - I have lived on my own before but never left the general area I grew up in - moving to a new city by yourself is HUGE - You have a lot going for you and use us! Use this forum to talk about your stuff - then it won't bottle up - feeling manic - feeling depressed - we don't care - everyone here has big shoulders and big ears - and no one can inturrupt you - we have to read to the end

Thanks guys <3 I actually moved out for the first time when I was 18, the fall after graduating high school... To a town that was 8 hours away by ferry, on an island. I'm 22 now, and was hospitalized / living with my parents basically between 20 and 22. So it feels both brave and not necessarily noteworthy to move away again, because I've done it before. If that makes sense.

I only have 4-5 weeks left in this town and so similiarly, 4-5 weeks with this therapist. Part of the reason I wanted to reduce frequency in therapy was so I could go out of town more and live my life on the alternate Wednesdays, since I always have Wednesday off work. I think I might keep things as they are so I can keep doing that, but also let my therapist know that I'm having a little scarier time lately and might need an extra appt some week if he has one available.

I'm a little sad to be done working with him... We've been through a lot together. Many many hospitalizations and lots of deep pain and confusion and despair, followed by the slow but hopeful arc of getting better. He's a good guy, maybe the healthiest clinician I've worked with for me.

I'm feeling pretty good right now, I just got home from a really cool camping trip with my dad. We got out on a boat and saw a glacier up close, amongst other cool experiences. It was a whirlwind though, and I'm pretty tired. Just read your responses in the car back and wanted to reply / update / ramble / whatever this has been.

It is a big deal even if you did it before - it's because this time you are doing it with more tools to help you live on your own - I would love to visit Alaska - it seems like such a desolate beautiful foreign place - I am in New York and we have snow - but no Arora Borealis and no glaciers - I have always wanted to go just to see the gorgeousness of it - though I think that living in such an extreme environment does effect your mood and mental health - its hard to live in areas that don't get a lot of light - I know when winter comes here and its dark every time I leave my house I feel like I am a vampire and will never see the sun again - its also flipping awesome that you can go see a glacier in the middle of summer -

Keep up al the great work - I am really glad you had a chance to connect with nature and have a little time with family -

(Tw: suicide)

Terrible self-absorbed rant of the day coming up here.

Three nights ago, my little sister tried to kill herself. I won't share too much info as it's not really my story to tell, but she has a lot of MH issues herself and is struggling pretty hard at the moment. Medically she's fine, and she's out of the hospital and back home with our parents keeping a close eye on her. She might still be admitted to an inpatient program but she's home over the weekend at the least.

I am the first person who should have empathy for her. I've made two attempts on my own life and spent years at the bottom of that hopeless, suicidal pit that depression leads us into. But I'm angry. I'm not really angry at her -- I know where she is too profoundly to really have anger at her -- but I'm angry at the situation. Here's why.

Like I said, I've spent a lot of time suicidal. I've spent a lot of time in hospitals. In fact, when I filed for disability, I think I had 17 different admissions in the span of less than 2 years. (Now, less than a year later, the number's up to 20-something, but I legitimately lost count at 17.) When I was in hospitals, no one advocated for me. No one tried to get me into hospitals or programs that would be less traumatic or scary. No one stayed in my hospital room so I didn't have to have a stranger watch me sleep. I get that this was my fault; I never allowed anyone to help me. I purposefully wouldn't tell people when I had been admitted because I didn't want to "deal with" their emotions on top of my own. But, because of that, I ended up in a lot of scary places, hospital wise, and I had a lot of doctors who wouldn't listen to me, and I had a lot of bad experiences. I had to advocate for myself, because if I didn't, I would die, and as much as I wanted to die I was still scared to. I still wanted help, and I chose to seek it alone, and it was a hard and backwards and traumatizing experience that I am glad to have put behind me. And it hurts to see her so protected by our family, they sat with her for two days in the hospital, they talked the therapists out of admitting her to the state ward. I've been in that state ward at least four or five times, no one has ever tried to help me avoid it. I've sat in hospital rooms for days with only silent CNAs for company. And it's all my own fault, and it makes me so damn sad, and angry, for that hurt broken girl who was too scared of everyone else's reactions to let them be there for her when she needed them.

Please don't take this to mean I'm not worried for or loving for my sister on her own... I really am. I feel terrible being so caught up in my own BS when she's struggling, and I'm trying to be there for her as much as she wants and I'm able. I just needed to put this hurt-scared-lost-broken part of me out there too, so it doesn't drag ME down again. I talked to an on-call counselor the day after it happened, and she said the most important thing I can do for my family is to just hold myself together as much as possible. No one needs me to fall apart again right now.

So sorry for everything you've had to go through. You have a right to feel hurt that your family is there for your sister when they weren't there for you. All I can say is be there for your sister like you wish they were there for you and sort out your feelings about your family separately.

I'm so glad you talked to a counselor Floradrenaline. Just keep using your words. If you run out of humans to talk to, talk to animals. I will keep you & your sister in my thoughts.

Love,
HoboJungle

I don't really know how to support her. She's not really like me, or she's exactly like me, in that she's angry and stubborn and guarded and seems to have a hard time letting people in. (Now that I think of it, she's exactly like me.) But I don't know any way to get through that. Plus, in real life, I have a hard time with the sappy feelings stuff too. So I just try to keep things light and offer my experience as hopefully something reassuring, and I think that's all I can do right now.

The on call counselor was glad to hear from me, actually. She had heard what had happened (small town) and was actually a member of my treatment team (again, really small town.) I had actually been somewhat discouraged from calling on-call this winter (after calling almost daily during the worst part of my episode) so I was really nervous to call (and it was actually the woman I spoke with who had done the heaviest discouraging.) But it worked out, and I think it helped. I actually ended up calling back that day and speaking with a different on call (my mom's therapist -- again, can't wait to move out of this VERY SMALL TOWN ) and then went home and went to bed. And I didn't fall back into my Deep Dark Hole (TM) l, which is good and I'm glad that by now I have enough distance between me and The Hole that it'll take more than one shove to push me back in.

I'm moving in two weeks and my road trip is in one week and, at least at the time of this posting, I'm more excited than nervous. I'm most nervous about finding a job, but I have a good game plan, and that's all I can do right now.

Hi Flora,
I'm sorry to hear about your sister and also about all that you had to go through to survive the mental health system before. When I read your story it reminded me of this depression affirmation that I read recently: "You are strong in your weakness." You've persevered through so much that I think you must have a deep down strength and resilience that is amazing. Please keep taking good care of yourself as it sounds like you've been doing.

rivergirl