YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Starting six weeks ago, focused on specific, ongoing actions that are objective and correctable, I've started to stand up to my boss.

(This boss has many excellent qualities, yet there are specific things I object to.)

I discovered that once I took a principled stand (and was willing to get fired for said stand), things improved greatly and immediately.

Since then I've stood up (kindly but firmly) to my boss several more times. I stood up for myself to another supervisor, and yesterday I stood up to a supplier whose laziness, indifference, and incompetence has been causing extensive extra work for me and the population I serve.

Do people like hearing this? No. They get angry.

As angry as I've been for a year about all this nonsense. Finally, they get angry. Once they're as angry as I've been, we can start from equal motivation.

Temporary feelings aside, we now have a new place to start from. We can move forward to a solution.

I'll be posting here, periodically, as I take steps to be more assertive.

Suggestions welcome!

Right now, since I am fairly satisfied with the new detente at work, here are my goals, AS DECIDED BY ME.

(Example: I know ALL CAPS is rude. Well, I wanted to use ALL CAPS. If someone has a problem with that, then they have a problem with that. Not my problem.)

1. Inviting out attractive women (when they give me one or more of the time-tested signals of attraction, and there are only five of them.)

2. Getting life coaching through my work.

3. Going to the doctor tomorrow, and using my words about my physical needs: I think I have tendinitis.

4. Standing up to my bougie, condescending sister (who also has many excellent qualities, but I let her treat me in a disrespectful way when I was broke [more about being broke anon]).

I'll post more, as I see fit.

Assertiveness update #1

1. I am going to the doctor this morning. I assert, through my actions, that:

I am worthy of healthcare.

I am worthy of expressing my needs and desires (to feel better, in this case) to a professional.

I am worthy of immediately implementing their advice.

2. This is difficult to admit, but here goes: I reached out to a local research hospital to look into life coaching. Just like buying caffeinated water (which I'm coming to much prefer over pop!) I feel completely ridiculous looking into life coaching. But if they, or anyone, can help me assert myself, specifically with inviting women out on dates, then I am willing to be ridiculous.

3. Sex was not discussed in my family of origin. It wasn't shamed, but my parents never acknowledged that sexual desire is a part of growing up.

Yesterday, at the grocery store, using the magnificent opening line about asking for meat suggestions, I chatted up a very attractive woman in yoga pants. While I didn't ask her out (she didn't give any of the five signals of attraction), she was all smiles and, oddly, she thanked me for giving me suggestions about meat. Fun and flirty!

This may not sound like a big deal to someone from a more open, permissive family, but I explained to my father, using my words, that I was very attracted to her butt.

This is a big deal in my family.

I'm not sure if my elderly (but spry) father really wanted to hear that, but I USED MY WORDS!

He accepted what I had to say, like a good sport.

This is a big deal.

I feel better.

Update 1a

I also explicitly asked my father to say that he was not ashamed of me.

He was a bit stunned to hear that, but said that he is not ashamed of how I've turned out. He said that he is proud of me.

I need to hear that my father is not ashamed of me.

Congratulations on starting this journey, and on what you have already accomplished in a short time.

Thanks Manuel Moe. I appreciate your support.

Today I went to the library and got a book about assertiveness.

Let me ask you this, Manuel Moe, since I esteem you so much: How do you practice assertiveness? May I please ask for an example or two?

How do I practice assertiveness? Well...

[1] I remember that ultimately I am not obliged to care about what other people think. I remind myself how isolated I was during my darkest time - if other peoples' opinions could not help me then, why would I give those opinions the power to harm me now? So I do what I think is right and not care about other people's opinions except the opinions of people who really can help me during my darkest time.

[2] If I remind myself logically and rationally about what the actual, factual consequences of being assertive are, it makes me more likely to be assertive, because then I am combatting irrational fears about being assertive.

[3] If I remind myself that I am fundamentally a good person, then it makes more likely to be assertive, because good people will be assertive in good ways without being shamefully bullying or oppressively overbearing.

[4] I put myself in a meditative place first, then rehearse being assertive in my mind, before I actually have to do it and be assertive in front of other people.

What do you think?

All the best to you. You go forward with my high esteem of you.

Thanks Manuel Moe!

If imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, I will flatter you indeed as I borrow/steal your ideas!

I'll post here with results.

Today I stood up to someone who was trying to play me, to tool me.

Basically, in my little work niche there are situations that look true/like solutions, but aren't.

Someone I serve called, demanding x. x was the standard, five years ago. Now the standard is y, and there is nothing I can do about it. We now live in an x world, and this person can accept it, or not.

Here is a trend I notice, when I stand up to someone, using variables as examples:

The other person is used to the status quo, "a".

a no longer works for me, so I offer them "b", which is not a, but is a solution I can live with.

If they won't accept b, then I am ready to implement, dispassionately, solution "c", which is basically no help from me, or no relationship.

They fuss about b, until I remind them that the alternative, that we can implement right now, is c.

When they realize that I won't rise to their emotional bait, because c really is possible any moment, they get to live with b, since I am ready to live with c.

If that makes any sense.

Three quick assertiveness updates:

1. The life coaching folks haven't called me back, so I politely left another message. I'll leave a vm every day until they get so sick of it that they talk to me.

2. Today I am going to write a personal creed, an assertiveness manifesto.

3. Two of the three assertiveness books I got from the library were pretty useless. This third one is more concrete and forceful. I may write a script for when I invite someone out.

3a. In fact, I might ask out the sushi girl: she is giving me one of the five signals: smiling and keeping eye contact just a fraction of a second too long. Sexy!