I found the diary forum, ooooh. OK, so I will start one and then stop flooding the forum with my own nonsense and instead contain it here. So.
I actually came online today to try and let some of my anxiety out. There are two things bothering me right now.
FIRST, I am going to my parent's house in about and hour where my fiancee and I will sit down with my mother and step-father and grandmother and tell them that I just want an immediate family sort of wedding. We can have another party at some other point afterwards where they can invite whoever they want, but there will be no speeches or dances or whatever. Just people over at the house, maybe. The actually ceremony will be immediate family, some friends, totally maybe 25 people. We found a place that is this cottage on a lake where you can rent it and they do small weddings and there will be a BBQ and a bonfire and it just sounds so perfect to me. I've been thinking about it since my fiancee and I were researching it a couple weeks ago, and every time I think about sitting around the fire with just my close family and friends, it makes me so happy. That is what I want. Thinking about a huge wedding with all these people I am not close to, that makes me anxious. I have a lot of extended family, a lot of mixed (divorced/re-married) family, a lot of cousins I don't talk to, who will, for some reason, so I am told, be insulted if they were not invited to my wedding. Because, apparently, my special day is about people I don't talk to. Yep. So we are having that discussion tonight and I am so nervous. I have to stick to my guns. That is hard. I was nervous just telling them we were engaged and that wasn't even a difficult thing to say, I just, attention, and, ehhhhhh.
So there's that.
SECONDLY, my step-sister invited me to a halloween party tomorrow (saturday) night at her friend's apartment that her and her boyfriend are going to. I think I might know a couple of the people there. Honestly, I don't even know if they guy who lives there even knows I am going/who I am. My fiancee usually does stuff with his friends on Halloween, and, since a couple years ago when I had a huge panic attack and actually screamed (yep, like a person on drugs) on the bus home from a Halloween party, I have stayed home on Halloween ever since. That night was fun until I could not breath, so I sat outside on a bench to calm myself down, where two drunk men (one of them claimed to be a police officer for some reason) sat on either side of me on the bench and tried to get me to come drinking with them. I don't even remember exactly what they said, but I was in the middle of a panic attack and did not enjoy being hit on. Maybe they thought I was drunk and in an easy sort of state? I don't know. Maybe because I was wearing a much too revealing bumble bee costume, which I thought would be cute for my boyfriend as we call each other Bees. It was one of those "sexy ______" sort of costumes you buy last minute. I covered up as much as possible with long black gloves and black tights, but, I guess these are things to expect, I don't know. Anyway, I forget if I left first or they did, but eventually I went back in to the bar where the party was and found my boyfriend, told him I needed to leave, said goodbye to our friends and off we were. Then we were on the bus, and I was curled in to a ball, with that feeling where your self in trying to crawl out of your skin from anxiety and no matter how much you adjust yourself or hold yourself or "breathe right" you cannot feel less like your innards are made up of a thousand centipedes. It's like you want to vomit, but there's nothing to come out, and so I just started making these whining noises and then a bit of screaming and crying while my boyfriend tried to calm me down and I told him, "now everyone thinks I'm crazy," and my boyfriend said, "fuck them" and "they'll just think you're really high" and I laughed a bit and reminded him that I am not that cool. When we finally got home, I collapsed on the bed and fell immediately to sleep, having spent every bit of adrenaline in me.
All that is to say, since then, I have not been able to go out on Halloween. Not that I go out any other day. But this year I had no excuse. I had nothing else to do that I couldn't go, and it's at someone's house, not at a bar or a club, and it's with my step-sister who knows all about everything about me and has sat with me outside while I had a panic attack while she could have had actual fun instead. I don't want to ruin anyone's time most of all, but also I just don't want to be a hermit. I've been feeling, pathetically, kind of lonely lately. Like, I want to be with people, just the social anxiety gets in the way. I feel bad for all the people I've pushed away, and things I've said no to. I really want to go and even if I am super lame and no one wants to talk to me, if I don't have a panic attack, that will be a win.
Before I agreed to go, I thought about it like this:
Option 1: I could go and have a panic attack.
Option 2: I could go and have fun.
Option 3: I could not go and not have fun.
If I go, I have the chance of having fun, whereas, if I don't go, I let the anxiety win and have zero chance of having fun. So I guess a 50/50 shot at feeling good is better than none? Or so I tell myself. So, as usual, I am forcing myself to be social and not be a hermit. The more I hermit, the deeper in to the hermit hole I go, you know?
So, this has become longer than I thought. I need to pack to go home and gather my Halloween costume. If all else fails, I do have ativan to I can fall asleep on someone's couch. Wish me luck. I'll be back with some sort of story either way!
KitKat's Nonsense
Re: KitKat's Nonsense
Much forum respect kitkat!
"No"
and
"I'm not discussing it, and I'm not discussing not discussing it"
I warmly encourage you to try out those phrases on people.
If they continue to protest, ask them if they are offering to pay. Suddenly that can change people's perspectives.
And if you and your fiancee are paying for it, anyone can like it or lump it.
As far as your Halloween plan, I really like how you are deciding now your limits. Good for you.
At the last minute, if you don't want to go, then simply don't go. Call your step sister and explain that you won't be attending. I encourage you to add that you hope to see her soon, and that everyone has a good time.
Cancelling social events is 100%, perfectly acceptable. While I was typing these very words, a friend texted to cancel. When done right, cancelling can actually build trust and love between friends and family.
But whatever you do or don't do, you are a good person.
Have a good weekend.
"No"
and
"I'm not discussing it, and I'm not discussing not discussing it"
I warmly encourage you to try out those phrases on people.
If they continue to protest, ask them if they are offering to pay. Suddenly that can change people's perspectives.
And if you and your fiancee are paying for it, anyone can like it or lump it.
As far as your Halloween plan, I really like how you are deciding now your limits. Good for you.
At the last minute, if you don't want to go, then simply don't go. Call your step sister and explain that you won't be attending. I encourage you to add that you hope to see her soon, and that everyone has a good time.
Cancelling social events is 100%, perfectly acceptable. While I was typing these very words, a friend texted to cancel. When done right, cancelling can actually build trust and love between friends and family.
But whatever you do or don't do, you are a good person.
Have a good weekend.
Work is love made visible. -Kahlil Gibran
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
Re: KitKat's Nonsense
Oak, you are the best. Just saying.
I'm trying to learn how to say "no" but it comes with so much guilt, ugh. To update what happened for the wedding talks, well, to start off with, I was irritated by the time I arrived at my parent's place as it took me 3 hours to get there by public transit, and all I could think was, "this is ridiculous, why do I do this, why don't people come to me for once," and so on and so on. My fiancee called as I was walking up the street to the house to say he'd arrived at my parent's (he was seeing his parents before and was being dropped off there, so he had a ride) and said everyone was wondering where I was. I started going on, "oh, they're worried? no one's called me," and so on and so on huffiness. So I arrived at the house, he told me to wait outside, he came out to meet me and to calm me down and told me it wasn't worth it to start an argument now and we're here to talk about happy stuff and just to remember this maybe next time I agree to travel all the way there during rush hour. So I agreed and that was that. We had dinner and then a bit later we sat down and told them our idea for the wedding, which basically was telling them we just want the immediate family, plus a couple friends and grandparents. They asked a few questions and pretty much said, "whatever you guys want," but I could tell my mom was upset. Last night, she drove me back home (I had stayed the weekend to do some work and go to that halloween party) and started talking about the plans and asking what was wrong and how she didn't know how to tell her sisters and her close friends they couldn't come and all these things. And so I felt horrible. And I told her that I am just not close with them and I thought that if we said just the immediate family then no one would be insulted. I said how I don't think my cousins or them really know anything about me or if they've even talked to my fiancee in the past 8 years I have been with him. It's not that they're bad people, we're just not close, and I understand how it's easier to be closer to my other, more outgoing cousins than my introverted self. But on the other hand, I said, they've had my whole life to get to know me or anything, and, I don't know. I told her that I want everyone to be happy and I don't know how to do that, and I said I also want to have what I want, even if that's selfish, I think maybe this is the only time I get to be? And they are paying for it, but, I mean, it will be much cheaper like this, right? Ugggghhhh. And then she was saying how she wishes I expressed myself more to her and how she doesn't know what I think about anymore, that sort of stuff. Not in an accusing way, just like a sad way. And it's true, I don't know how to express myself to people, really. I only cry in front of my fiancee. I felt like crying the whole ride home and was just waiting until I could get home so I could tell my fiancee what was happening and let out my frustrations. I think, partly, I don't know how to say things rationally, with just a little emotion. It's either, robot speak, or floods of tears kind of thing. So if I feel it coming on, I hold it back or I know it will just be crying and then I can't say anything. I still don't really know what I'm going to do. I want to hold my ground, but I also want to give in. I want there to be some sort of compromise or for everyone else to plan everything and then I don't have any responsibility. Or I just wake up and we're married, but I really just want to have a stupid romantic girly thing just once, so I don't want that either. My fiancee's family is completely on board with everything, mine is the complicated one.
Enough of that talk, it just goes in circles for now.
As for the Halloween party, I did not have a panic attack, so that was gooooood. To be honest, I felt perfectly fine the whole time. Kind of bored, even. I mean, I felt awkward at some points because I didn't know people and I didn't want to follow my step-sister and her new boyfriend around all over the place like a third wheel. But also everyone there was actually really nice, so, that was cool. And I guess I am comfortable talking to drunk people because I just assume they're not really caring what I'm saying, so, haha. I was really way more nervous that whole day than when we actually got there. I hardly ate dinner because I was nervous. But then I was fine.
One more piece of strange news that arrived last night from the drive home. So, my biological father, who I haven't spoken to for, about, five years straight and off and on for something like 15 years, apparently got cancer and is now better? My mom heard this through a grape vine, so. I don't really know what to do with that information, exactly. Mostly I want to know what kind in case I need to worry about that. It also kind of solidifies how a narcissist will actually not change. I mean, this is someone who, let's assume, had cancer, which I assume makes you think about your life in some way, and did not think, "hmm, maybe I should reconcile with my children in some way. Maybe I should apologize to them before I no longer can," or something like that. But, nope. Not even a newsletter (he is the sort that enjoys sending extremely long emails about what horribly people we all are, once with a table of contents) to say, "I have cancer, by the way, maybe you should know this for your medical files." Nothing. I think I had heard some sort of thing through a grape vine, maybe a year ago, that he was sick or something, but that was it.
It's just a strange sort of nugget to have in your brain. I don't really know what to do with that information, really.
I think that's all for my life at this moment. Also I haven't heard from my psychiatrist for a few months, so my abandonment/rejection issues are feeling really swell.
Cheers.
I'm trying to learn how to say "no" but it comes with so much guilt, ugh. To update what happened for the wedding talks, well, to start off with, I was irritated by the time I arrived at my parent's place as it took me 3 hours to get there by public transit, and all I could think was, "this is ridiculous, why do I do this, why don't people come to me for once," and so on and so on. My fiancee called as I was walking up the street to the house to say he'd arrived at my parent's (he was seeing his parents before and was being dropped off there, so he had a ride) and said everyone was wondering where I was. I started going on, "oh, they're worried? no one's called me," and so on and so on huffiness. So I arrived at the house, he told me to wait outside, he came out to meet me and to calm me down and told me it wasn't worth it to start an argument now and we're here to talk about happy stuff and just to remember this maybe next time I agree to travel all the way there during rush hour. So I agreed and that was that. We had dinner and then a bit later we sat down and told them our idea for the wedding, which basically was telling them we just want the immediate family, plus a couple friends and grandparents. They asked a few questions and pretty much said, "whatever you guys want," but I could tell my mom was upset. Last night, she drove me back home (I had stayed the weekend to do some work and go to that halloween party) and started talking about the plans and asking what was wrong and how she didn't know how to tell her sisters and her close friends they couldn't come and all these things. And so I felt horrible. And I told her that I am just not close with them and I thought that if we said just the immediate family then no one would be insulted. I said how I don't think my cousins or them really know anything about me or if they've even talked to my fiancee in the past 8 years I have been with him. It's not that they're bad people, we're just not close, and I understand how it's easier to be closer to my other, more outgoing cousins than my introverted self. But on the other hand, I said, they've had my whole life to get to know me or anything, and, I don't know. I told her that I want everyone to be happy and I don't know how to do that, and I said I also want to have what I want, even if that's selfish, I think maybe this is the only time I get to be? And they are paying for it, but, I mean, it will be much cheaper like this, right? Ugggghhhh. And then she was saying how she wishes I expressed myself more to her and how she doesn't know what I think about anymore, that sort of stuff. Not in an accusing way, just like a sad way. And it's true, I don't know how to express myself to people, really. I only cry in front of my fiancee. I felt like crying the whole ride home and was just waiting until I could get home so I could tell my fiancee what was happening and let out my frustrations. I think, partly, I don't know how to say things rationally, with just a little emotion. It's either, robot speak, or floods of tears kind of thing. So if I feel it coming on, I hold it back or I know it will just be crying and then I can't say anything. I still don't really know what I'm going to do. I want to hold my ground, but I also want to give in. I want there to be some sort of compromise or for everyone else to plan everything and then I don't have any responsibility. Or I just wake up and we're married, but I really just want to have a stupid romantic girly thing just once, so I don't want that either. My fiancee's family is completely on board with everything, mine is the complicated one.
Enough of that talk, it just goes in circles for now.
As for the Halloween party, I did not have a panic attack, so that was gooooood. To be honest, I felt perfectly fine the whole time. Kind of bored, even. I mean, I felt awkward at some points because I didn't know people and I didn't want to follow my step-sister and her new boyfriend around all over the place like a third wheel. But also everyone there was actually really nice, so, that was cool. And I guess I am comfortable talking to drunk people because I just assume they're not really caring what I'm saying, so, haha. I was really way more nervous that whole day than when we actually got there. I hardly ate dinner because I was nervous. But then I was fine.
One more piece of strange news that arrived last night from the drive home. So, my biological father, who I haven't spoken to for, about, five years straight and off and on for something like 15 years, apparently got cancer and is now better? My mom heard this through a grape vine, so. I don't really know what to do with that information, exactly. Mostly I want to know what kind in case I need to worry about that. It also kind of solidifies how a narcissist will actually not change. I mean, this is someone who, let's assume, had cancer, which I assume makes you think about your life in some way, and did not think, "hmm, maybe I should reconcile with my children in some way. Maybe I should apologize to them before I no longer can," or something like that. But, nope. Not even a newsletter (he is the sort that enjoys sending extremely long emails about what horribly people we all are, once with a table of contents) to say, "I have cancer, by the way, maybe you should know this for your medical files." Nothing. I think I had heard some sort of thing through a grape vine, maybe a year ago, that he was sick or something, but that was it.
It's just a strange sort of nugget to have in your brain. I don't really know what to do with that information, really.
I think that's all for my life at this moment. Also I haven't heard from my psychiatrist for a few months, so my abandonment/rejection issues are feeling really swell.
Cheers.
Re: KitKat's Nonsense
A small, quick update.
My father recently, after the cancer stuff, apparently did contact my brother who met briefly with him. I'm worried about my brother and have told him this. I don't want him to go thru all this stuff again. I told him that he doesn't owe our father anything, but I can't stop him. It's troubling.
Also I am going to the show on the Saturday for sure since I got a ticket. I am super excited, but also scared crazy. On one hand I can sit there and be my antisocial self, or I could try to talk. I don't know. I also want to got to the Friday taping, but that seems like something I would have to speak at, I guess, so. I don't know. It would be lame of me to go and then not participate so. Ahhh I don't know. I don't want to miss out, but. Umm. I guess we'll see.
My father recently, after the cancer stuff, apparently did contact my brother who met briefly with him. I'm worried about my brother and have told him this. I don't want him to go thru all this stuff again. I told him that he doesn't owe our father anything, but I can't stop him. It's troubling.
Also I am going to the show on the Saturday for sure since I got a ticket. I am super excited, but also scared crazy. On one hand I can sit there and be my antisocial self, or I could try to talk. I don't know. I also want to got to the Friday taping, but that seems like something I would have to speak at, I guess, so. I don't know. It would be lame of me to go and then not participate so. Ahhh I don't know. I don't want to miss out, but. Umm. I guess we'll see.
Re: KitKat's Nonsense
"I'm not discussing it, and I'm not discussing not discussing it"
Making a mental note of this phrase, could be very useful.
Making a mental note of this phrase, could be very useful.
I am somewhat worried I come across as a know-it-all in a lot of my posts, so please allow me to use this space to make it clear that I actually don't know shit and am just trying to be helpful.
Re: KitKat's Nonsense
I know I haven't been here in a while. I started listening to the podcast again. I don't really know why I stopped. Well, I guess because it was too much for me. It's hard to say.
I don't know if anyone reads the things I write, but I wanted to write some things and, so. I'm typing this on my phone, so excuse any autocorrect nonsense.
I'll be honest. I know why I stopped coming here. Let me tell you a story. I'm not sure when it started, but it may have been high school. I had a group of friends who I adored. I spent every lunch with them. At some point I started taking small breaks from them, I would walk home for lunch instead, without telling them. I would just say later that I wasn't feeling well. That sort of thing. The gaps of being with them became closer together and the time I was at home was longer. Eventually I stopped seeing them altogether. At the time, I didn't know what I was doing. I thought I just needed some space, which I did, but I didn't think about it too much. I wallowed in pity mostly. Maybe it was the start of my social anxiety, I don't know, I just know I would get to a place where I needed to run away from people.
This happened a lot. I have been through a lot of friends. If people don't prod me enough, eventually I will run away. Did I mention this before here or not? Anyway, to go way further back, my father rejected me a lot. It makes me feel gross to blame him for things, it just makes me feel so cliche. Anyway. The only way I had any power was by rejecting him. I would stop replying to him and I was the winner, while still feeling like garbage being dumped. My motto was no one can reject me if I reject them first. I have run away from a lot of people. I am scared of people, but I also love meeting them at first. I love stories and I love that buzz of making a friend and, at the time, I don't think about down the line when it will become too much for me. I never even thought I was a horrible friend until recently. I would blame them and feel unwanted while running away from them. If people didn't run to me, it was rejection. At the same time, however, I'm also scared of people having an interest in me. Like I can never meet their expectations, like I have to impress them or I'm about to put on a play. If people don't reply, I feel worthless, if people do reply, I feel anxious.
Anyway, that's what happens. I disappear for a while, until maybe I get lonely, I'm not sure. Writing it out, it feels completely selfish and I really am a shitty person. I try not to be, but I really can't give a good excuse.
I've gone to a couple supprt group meetings in the past couple months. I've talked a bit. Everyone is really nice. But they want to talk to me after and I run and I don't come back. I want to go again, but someone wanting to get to know me is terrifying.
I'm a bit back and forth, I've realized. I never know what I want or what will make me happy. I think one thing will and it doesn't. I want two opposite things at once. I don't think I can ever be happy this way. I was thinking about this earlier and, again, maybe it sounded better in my head, but I feel like the theme of my life is inconsistency. My father (sorry to bring it up again) didn't just leave, he would leave and come back and leave and come back and so on. My mother is very loving and my father is a narcissist, so I guess I grew up with inconsistencies and kind of became that.
I'm feeling cliche again.
I need to learn how to be ignored and how to be given attention. Or one or the other. I need to be happy in some scenario.
I don't know if anyone reads the things I write, but I wanted to write some things and, so. I'm typing this on my phone, so excuse any autocorrect nonsense.
I'll be honest. I know why I stopped coming here. Let me tell you a story. I'm not sure when it started, but it may have been high school. I had a group of friends who I adored. I spent every lunch with them. At some point I started taking small breaks from them, I would walk home for lunch instead, without telling them. I would just say later that I wasn't feeling well. That sort of thing. The gaps of being with them became closer together and the time I was at home was longer. Eventually I stopped seeing them altogether. At the time, I didn't know what I was doing. I thought I just needed some space, which I did, but I didn't think about it too much. I wallowed in pity mostly. Maybe it was the start of my social anxiety, I don't know, I just know I would get to a place where I needed to run away from people.
This happened a lot. I have been through a lot of friends. If people don't prod me enough, eventually I will run away. Did I mention this before here or not? Anyway, to go way further back, my father rejected me a lot. It makes me feel gross to blame him for things, it just makes me feel so cliche. Anyway. The only way I had any power was by rejecting him. I would stop replying to him and I was the winner, while still feeling like garbage being dumped. My motto was no one can reject me if I reject them first. I have run away from a lot of people. I am scared of people, but I also love meeting them at first. I love stories and I love that buzz of making a friend and, at the time, I don't think about down the line when it will become too much for me. I never even thought I was a horrible friend until recently. I would blame them and feel unwanted while running away from them. If people didn't run to me, it was rejection. At the same time, however, I'm also scared of people having an interest in me. Like I can never meet their expectations, like I have to impress them or I'm about to put on a play. If people don't reply, I feel worthless, if people do reply, I feel anxious.
Anyway, that's what happens. I disappear for a while, until maybe I get lonely, I'm not sure. Writing it out, it feels completely selfish and I really am a shitty person. I try not to be, but I really can't give a good excuse.
I've gone to a couple supprt group meetings in the past couple months. I've talked a bit. Everyone is really nice. But they want to talk to me after and I run and I don't come back. I want to go again, but someone wanting to get to know me is terrifying.
I'm a bit back and forth, I've realized. I never know what I want or what will make me happy. I think one thing will and it doesn't. I want two opposite things at once. I don't think I can ever be happy this way. I was thinking about this earlier and, again, maybe it sounded better in my head, but I feel like the theme of my life is inconsistency. My father (sorry to bring it up again) didn't just leave, he would leave and come back and leave and come back and so on. My mother is very loving and my father is a narcissist, so I guess I grew up with inconsistencies and kind of became that.
I'm feeling cliche again.
I need to learn how to be ignored and how to be given attention. Or one or the other. I need to be happy in some scenario.