KitKat's Nonsense
Posted: October 25th, 2013, 1:01 pm
I found the diary forum, ooooh. OK, so I will start one and then stop flooding the forum with my own nonsense and instead contain it here. So.
I actually came online today to try and let some of my anxiety out. There are two things bothering me right now.
FIRST, I am going to my parent's house in about and hour where my fiancee and I will sit down with my mother and step-father and grandmother and tell them that I just want an immediate family sort of wedding. We can have another party at some other point afterwards where they can invite whoever they want, but there will be no speeches or dances or whatever. Just people over at the house, maybe. The actually ceremony will be immediate family, some friends, totally maybe 25 people. We found a place that is this cottage on a lake where you can rent it and they do small weddings and there will be a BBQ and a bonfire and it just sounds so perfect to me. I've been thinking about it since my fiancee and I were researching it a couple weeks ago, and every time I think about sitting around the fire with just my close family and friends, it makes me so happy. That is what I want. Thinking about a huge wedding with all these people I am not close to, that makes me anxious. I have a lot of extended family, a lot of mixed (divorced/re-married) family, a lot of cousins I don't talk to, who will, for some reason, so I am told, be insulted if they were not invited to my wedding. Because, apparently, my special day is about people I don't talk to. Yep. So we are having that discussion tonight and I am so nervous. I have to stick to my guns. That is hard. I was nervous just telling them we were engaged and that wasn't even a difficult thing to say, I just, attention, and, ehhhhhh.
So there's that.
SECONDLY, my step-sister invited me to a halloween party tomorrow (saturday) night at her friend's apartment that her and her boyfriend are going to. I think I might know a couple of the people there. Honestly, I don't even know if they guy who lives there even knows I am going/who I am. My fiancee usually does stuff with his friends on Halloween, and, since a couple years ago when I had a huge panic attack and actually screamed (yep, like a person on drugs) on the bus home from a Halloween party, I have stayed home on Halloween ever since. That night was fun until I could not breath, so I sat outside on a bench to calm myself down, where two drunk men (one of them claimed to be a police officer for some reason) sat on either side of me on the bench and tried to get me to come drinking with them. I don't even remember exactly what they said, but I was in the middle of a panic attack and did not enjoy being hit on. Maybe they thought I was drunk and in an easy sort of state? I don't know. Maybe because I was wearing a much too revealing bumble bee costume, which I thought would be cute for my boyfriend as we call each other Bees. It was one of those "sexy ______" sort of costumes you buy last minute. I covered up as much as possible with long black gloves and black tights, but, I guess these are things to expect, I don't know. Anyway, I forget if I left first or they did, but eventually I went back in to the bar where the party was and found my boyfriend, told him I needed to leave, said goodbye to our friends and off we were. Then we were on the bus, and I was curled in to a ball, with that feeling where your self in trying to crawl out of your skin from anxiety and no matter how much you adjust yourself or hold yourself or "breathe right" you cannot feel less like your innards are made up of a thousand centipedes. It's like you want to vomit, but there's nothing to come out, and so I just started making these whining noises and then a bit of screaming and crying while my boyfriend tried to calm me down and I told him, "now everyone thinks I'm crazy," and my boyfriend said, "fuck them" and "they'll just think you're really high" and I laughed a bit and reminded him that I am not that cool. When we finally got home, I collapsed on the bed and fell immediately to sleep, having spent every bit of adrenaline in me.
All that is to say, since then, I have not been able to go out on Halloween. Not that I go out any other day. But this year I had no excuse. I had nothing else to do that I couldn't go, and it's at someone's house, not at a bar or a club, and it's with my step-sister who knows all about everything about me and has sat with me outside while I had a panic attack while she could have had actual fun instead. I don't want to ruin anyone's time most of all, but also I just don't want to be a hermit. I've been feeling, pathetically, kind of lonely lately. Like, I want to be with people, just the social anxiety gets in the way. I feel bad for all the people I've pushed away, and things I've said no to. I really want to go and even if I am super lame and no one wants to talk to me, if I don't have a panic attack, that will be a win.
Before I agreed to go, I thought about it like this:
Option 1: I could go and have a panic attack.
Option 2: I could go and have fun.
Option 3: I could not go and not have fun.
If I go, I have the chance of having fun, whereas, if I don't go, I let the anxiety win and have zero chance of having fun. So I guess a 50/50 shot at feeling good is better than none? Or so I tell myself. So, as usual, I am forcing myself to be social and not be a hermit. The more I hermit, the deeper in to the hermit hole I go, you know?
So, this has become longer than I thought. I need to pack to go home and gather my Halloween costume. If all else fails, I do have ativan to I can fall asleep on someone's couch. Wish me luck. I'll be back with some sort of story either way!
I actually came online today to try and let some of my anxiety out. There are two things bothering me right now.
FIRST, I am going to my parent's house in about and hour where my fiancee and I will sit down with my mother and step-father and grandmother and tell them that I just want an immediate family sort of wedding. We can have another party at some other point afterwards where they can invite whoever they want, but there will be no speeches or dances or whatever. Just people over at the house, maybe. The actually ceremony will be immediate family, some friends, totally maybe 25 people. We found a place that is this cottage on a lake where you can rent it and they do small weddings and there will be a BBQ and a bonfire and it just sounds so perfect to me. I've been thinking about it since my fiancee and I were researching it a couple weeks ago, and every time I think about sitting around the fire with just my close family and friends, it makes me so happy. That is what I want. Thinking about a huge wedding with all these people I am not close to, that makes me anxious. I have a lot of extended family, a lot of mixed (divorced/re-married) family, a lot of cousins I don't talk to, who will, for some reason, so I am told, be insulted if they were not invited to my wedding. Because, apparently, my special day is about people I don't talk to. Yep. So we are having that discussion tonight and I am so nervous. I have to stick to my guns. That is hard. I was nervous just telling them we were engaged and that wasn't even a difficult thing to say, I just, attention, and, ehhhhhh.
So there's that.
SECONDLY, my step-sister invited me to a halloween party tomorrow (saturday) night at her friend's apartment that her and her boyfriend are going to. I think I might know a couple of the people there. Honestly, I don't even know if they guy who lives there even knows I am going/who I am. My fiancee usually does stuff with his friends on Halloween, and, since a couple years ago when I had a huge panic attack and actually screamed (yep, like a person on drugs) on the bus home from a Halloween party, I have stayed home on Halloween ever since. That night was fun until I could not breath, so I sat outside on a bench to calm myself down, where two drunk men (one of them claimed to be a police officer for some reason) sat on either side of me on the bench and tried to get me to come drinking with them. I don't even remember exactly what they said, but I was in the middle of a panic attack and did not enjoy being hit on. Maybe they thought I was drunk and in an easy sort of state? I don't know. Maybe because I was wearing a much too revealing bumble bee costume, which I thought would be cute for my boyfriend as we call each other Bees. It was one of those "sexy ______" sort of costumes you buy last minute. I covered up as much as possible with long black gloves and black tights, but, I guess these are things to expect, I don't know. Anyway, I forget if I left first or they did, but eventually I went back in to the bar where the party was and found my boyfriend, told him I needed to leave, said goodbye to our friends and off we were. Then we were on the bus, and I was curled in to a ball, with that feeling where your self in trying to crawl out of your skin from anxiety and no matter how much you adjust yourself or hold yourself or "breathe right" you cannot feel less like your innards are made up of a thousand centipedes. It's like you want to vomit, but there's nothing to come out, and so I just started making these whining noises and then a bit of screaming and crying while my boyfriend tried to calm me down and I told him, "now everyone thinks I'm crazy," and my boyfriend said, "fuck them" and "they'll just think you're really high" and I laughed a bit and reminded him that I am not that cool. When we finally got home, I collapsed on the bed and fell immediately to sleep, having spent every bit of adrenaline in me.
All that is to say, since then, I have not been able to go out on Halloween. Not that I go out any other day. But this year I had no excuse. I had nothing else to do that I couldn't go, and it's at someone's house, not at a bar or a club, and it's with my step-sister who knows all about everything about me and has sat with me outside while I had a panic attack while she could have had actual fun instead. I don't want to ruin anyone's time most of all, but also I just don't want to be a hermit. I've been feeling, pathetically, kind of lonely lately. Like, I want to be with people, just the social anxiety gets in the way. I feel bad for all the people I've pushed away, and things I've said no to. I really want to go and even if I am super lame and no one wants to talk to me, if I don't have a panic attack, that will be a win.
Before I agreed to go, I thought about it like this:
Option 1: I could go and have a panic attack.
Option 2: I could go and have fun.
Option 3: I could not go and not have fun.
If I go, I have the chance of having fun, whereas, if I don't go, I let the anxiety win and have zero chance of having fun. So I guess a 50/50 shot at feeling good is better than none? Or so I tell myself. So, as usual, I am forcing myself to be social and not be a hermit. The more I hermit, the deeper in to the hermit hole I go, you know?
So, this has become longer than I thought. I need to pack to go home and gather my Halloween costume. If all else fails, I do have ativan to I can fall asleep on someone's couch. Wish me luck. I'll be back with some sort of story either way!