kitkat's Diary
Posted: January 26th, 2014, 1:16 pm
Okay, I will start one here instead so everything is neat.
I am feeling so anxious right now, so it is a good time to type here, I think. Unless I'm doing it wrong. I have this guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach like I'm doing everything wrong. I have been trying to fight it, it was supposed to be my new year's resolution, but sometimes it gets hard and I'm just too tired and anxiety is too strong. I just feel such a failure and so guilty and useless and, now, especially whiny and self-serving and like I am not a good enough person for people to care about.
First, I don't have a real, proper job. I am freelance, which means I usually don't. I work on what I can and I sell things and I sometimes have contracts and I do odd things here and there, but mostly I feel like a leech. On top of that, I am unable to hold a real job, so I am in a spiral. The last full-time, un-freelance job I had was.. five years ago? It's depressing. I think, "if only I had a proper job, I'd be happy," but the thought of having one makes me want to hyperventilate. I have been changing paths recently, so I have been trying to learn these new programs which have more jobs, but I feel like I am always behind. I told my psychiatrist about how I feel like I'm in a catch-22, where I'll fail if I don't try, and I'll fail if I do try because I won't be able to do anything. He said I should consider attempts as successes, but my stomach knots don't seem to feel that way. I feel like a disappointment. I have so much stuff I need to learn and I can't do things. My whole family pitched in to buy me a new computer because my old one was so slow and couldn't properly run these new programs and they're all like, "you deserve it," and I just feel worse like I'm going to let everyone down.
I have been watching these tutorials and I haven't accomplished anything. I need to watch them because I don't know what I'm doing, but I have nothing to show for them. And while I'm watching them, I feel so much anxiety and I can't concentrate. I feel like I can't talk to people about this because I'm afraid they will say, "you have to power through it," and "you'll have to deal with this in the real world," and I know all that, but I can't. I feel like a squirrel in the road. Like there are so many things I need to do, but I just freeze and can't do any.
I'd like to hide away somewhere.
So, that's where I am today.
I am feeling so anxious right now, so it is a good time to type here, I think. Unless I'm doing it wrong. I have this guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach like I'm doing everything wrong. I have been trying to fight it, it was supposed to be my new year's resolution, but sometimes it gets hard and I'm just too tired and anxiety is too strong. I just feel such a failure and so guilty and useless and, now, especially whiny and self-serving and like I am not a good enough person for people to care about.
First, I don't have a real, proper job. I am freelance, which means I usually don't. I work on what I can and I sell things and I sometimes have contracts and I do odd things here and there, but mostly I feel like a leech. On top of that, I am unable to hold a real job, so I am in a spiral. The last full-time, un-freelance job I had was.. five years ago? It's depressing. I think, "if only I had a proper job, I'd be happy," but the thought of having one makes me want to hyperventilate. I have been changing paths recently, so I have been trying to learn these new programs which have more jobs, but I feel like I am always behind. I told my psychiatrist about how I feel like I'm in a catch-22, where I'll fail if I don't try, and I'll fail if I do try because I won't be able to do anything. He said I should consider attempts as successes, but my stomach knots don't seem to feel that way. I feel like a disappointment. I have so much stuff I need to learn and I can't do things. My whole family pitched in to buy me a new computer because my old one was so slow and couldn't properly run these new programs and they're all like, "you deserve it," and I just feel worse like I'm going to let everyone down.
I have been watching these tutorials and I haven't accomplished anything. I need to watch them because I don't know what I'm doing, but I have nothing to show for them. And while I'm watching them, I feel so much anxiety and I can't concentrate. I feel like I can't talk to people about this because I'm afraid they will say, "you have to power through it," and "you'll have to deal with this in the real world," and I know all that, but I can't. I feel like a squirrel in the road. Like there are so many things I need to do, but I just freeze and can't do any.
I'd like to hide away somewhere.
So, that's where I am today.