YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Dear Diary,

I am feeling down and it is due to actions of my past. I was unfaithful to my wife, which she knows, because I was hurt by lies and feeling sexually unfulfilled. To be fair we lied to each other and my lies and adultery came from a place of hurt and anger; as a result I now realize that I will never be, nor am I deserving of sexual fulfillment.

I have my place in my life and in my family, that of protector and provider, bottom of the totem pole so to speak. It is my job to make sure my wife and sons are happy, loved and fulfilled, everything else is superfluous. My happiness, desires and physical fulfillment are inconsequential; as long as I have my family that us all I need. Their happiness and fulfillment far super cedes my own.

Jay Dubs, at no point did you renounce your needs as a human. It is simply a true fact.

Please be your own champion and best friend. You are suffering now, and you deserve to rise above suffering.

Please take care.

You made a mistake. A bad decision. Or a series of them. So does everyone. That doesn't mean that you aren't deserving of happiness and sexual fulfillment. You're human. Humans make mistakes. Humans deserve happiness and sexual fulfillment. If your wife will not forgive you, you can't control that. You can forgive yourself, though, and it sounds like you haven't done that yet.

It is also impossible for you to make your wife and sons feel anything - happy, loved, fulfilled. They are responsible for their own feelings. You can do the best that you can to facilitate them feeling good, but you can't control whether they do or not, and it's not your job or responsibility to do so. And certainly not at the expense of your own feelings, your own wants and needs.

I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm lecturing to you. It is coming from a place of knowing exactly how you feel and often getting trapped in the same mindset myself. I wish I could tell myself the things that I'm telling you and believe them more myself. Just know that you are not the only one feeling like you feel. I acknowledge how much it must suck and how bad it feels, but also want to assure you that you don't deserve it and you have the capability of getting what you need out of life.