Cornflake Girl's Journal
Posted: May 18th, 2014, 12:42 pm
I am having a bad day and am in a foul mood. The house really needs to be tidied up but I am really really tired of being the sole person who has been given the onerous task of cleaning it.
This job has changed recently because I'd finally gotten tired of the relationship I was in and had one foot *and a knee* out the door when my s.o. came to his senses. So now the dynamics have changed and it's no longer solely my responsibility but I still don't care. I am burnt out.
It kind of feels like when my twins finally moved out and, though I missed them, I felt so relieved. 18 years of raising twins by myself, addicted to various and changing substances, and misdiagnosed...well, saying that it had been a challenge is a gross understatement. Right after they moved out I had had to moved out and into my s.o.'s house - primarily because I couldn't afford my apartment - and was thrust right back into the caretaker role. Being Co - dependent and not in therapy yet, this was a mistake and became very grueling.
Now, I am 2 years sober and in therapy, in large part because of Paul's constant insistence as to its benefit. And I'm waking up to situations that no longer serve me, what helps and what hinders. Cleaning the house definitely hinders. Yet, either way, whether I clean or don't clean, I sometimes look around and can feel my mood falling and the grasping hands of depression start to cling and pull and rip and tear so that I want to put my head in my hands, tear my hair out, rock back and forth, scream, throw things and wish for oblivion. Knowing that it'll pass and wishing than it wouldn't.
Mental illness blows.
This job has changed recently because I'd finally gotten tired of the relationship I was in and had one foot *and a knee* out the door when my s.o. came to his senses. So now the dynamics have changed and it's no longer solely my responsibility but I still don't care. I am burnt out.
It kind of feels like when my twins finally moved out and, though I missed them, I felt so relieved. 18 years of raising twins by myself, addicted to various and changing substances, and misdiagnosed...well, saying that it had been a challenge is a gross understatement. Right after they moved out I had had to moved out and into my s.o.'s house - primarily because I couldn't afford my apartment - and was thrust right back into the caretaker role. Being Co - dependent and not in therapy yet, this was a mistake and became very grueling.
Now, I am 2 years sober and in therapy, in large part because of Paul's constant insistence as to its benefit. And I'm waking up to situations that no longer serve me, what helps and what hinders. Cleaning the house definitely hinders. Yet, either way, whether I clean or don't clean, I sometimes look around and can feel my mood falling and the grasping hands of depression start to cling and pull and rip and tear so that I want to put my head in my hands, tear my hair out, rock back and forth, scream, throw things and wish for oblivion. Knowing that it'll pass and wishing than it wouldn't.
Mental illness blows.