who the fuck am i
Posted: June 27th, 2014, 12:59 pm
I'm trying to make friends but I feel so damn clumsy about it. I also feel like such a defeatist I wonder what's the point when I will just try to hide from them once I have them. Or I pick and choose. I want this person to be my friend but not that one.
This girl I work with keeps trying to reel me in but she's so fucking draining. I want to be nice to her but she has no sense of boundaries. Even physical ones. You can tell she's latched on to you because she's literally standing shoulder to shoulder with you when she's going on and on and on and on about whatever the drama of the day is.
But I feel like an asshole saying that. She reminds me a lot of myself. So I try to realize that my reacting to her is partly my reacting to things about myself and my past self that I don't like. But also she talks so damn much and always she's needing some sort of consoling. It's hard enough not having panic attacks at work but then she's yapping in my ear all day about some guy she's dated for a month and doesn't like.
And I try to give her advice. Like I try to give advice here even though I feel like an asshole doing that too. Cause ultimately I want to be helpful and nice and make friends and have everyone like me. But mostly I just don't ever know what to say. I feel like I used to have this persona that could charm folks and say all the witty and cute things people want to hear and like hearing. I could bat my long eyelashes and flirt and all that shit. Now I'm 31, over weight again, married, and probably boring as fuck to boot now that I don't party and get fucked up downtown all the time.
To top it off here I am complaining about this and my 27 year old brother-in-law is laying in emergency ICU trying not to die. And my poor 26 year old sister-in-law is sitting in some hospital room praying to not become widow. I feel so fucking awful too because partly I don't want him to die because I will have to take off work to go up there with my husband. I will have a hard time making ends meet this month (harder than I already am). How fucking selfish is that?! Mostly I don't want him to die because my sister-in-law deserves to have her life go on in the happy direction it was already going and not be thrown into a giant pit of mourning. They're too young to go through this. It's fucking awful.
This girl I work with keeps trying to reel me in but she's so fucking draining. I want to be nice to her but she has no sense of boundaries. Even physical ones. You can tell she's latched on to you because she's literally standing shoulder to shoulder with you when she's going on and on and on and on about whatever the drama of the day is.
But I feel like an asshole saying that. She reminds me a lot of myself. So I try to realize that my reacting to her is partly my reacting to things about myself and my past self that I don't like. But also she talks so damn much and always she's needing some sort of consoling. It's hard enough not having panic attacks at work but then she's yapping in my ear all day about some guy she's dated for a month and doesn't like.
And I try to give her advice. Like I try to give advice here even though I feel like an asshole doing that too. Cause ultimately I want to be helpful and nice and make friends and have everyone like me. But mostly I just don't ever know what to say. I feel like I used to have this persona that could charm folks and say all the witty and cute things people want to hear and like hearing. I could bat my long eyelashes and flirt and all that shit. Now I'm 31, over weight again, married, and probably boring as fuck to boot now that I don't party and get fucked up downtown all the time.
To top it off here I am complaining about this and my 27 year old brother-in-law is laying in emergency ICU trying not to die. And my poor 26 year old sister-in-law is sitting in some hospital room praying to not become widow. I feel so fucking awful too because partly I don't want him to die because I will have to take off work to go up there with my husband. I will have a hard time making ends meet this month (harder than I already am). How fucking selfish is that?! Mostly I don't want him to die because my sister-in-law deserves to have her life go on in the happy direction it was already going and not be thrown into a giant pit of mourning. They're too young to go through this. It's fucking awful.