Love and depression

[Smalltownanabull]

I’m new to the forum. I’m currently living on own. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live. I have the most loving family that care for me more than anything and show me so much support and love, but I’m still so self destructive and depressed. I know I won’t be able to recover from my mental illness until I decide I’m worth fighting for, but for now I just get out of bed, eat enough, stay hydrated, shower and leave my apartment every once in a while just for family’s sake. It’s so hard and I just want to connect with people that are also struggling without any apparent reason.. I’ve been so blessed, never abused, wealthy, mostly good health, it’s embarrassing and makes me feel like I’m not a real person all I am is my depression, my eating disorder, my panic and anxiety, my social discomfort and fear. Anyone relate?

[snoringdog]

Hello Smalltownanabull,

I have certainly felt the numbness and hopelessness that is depression, and it is a horrible thing. (Strange that something "painless" can hurt so much, right?)

Can you remember a time when you were happy (or just content)?
How long have you been suffering, and can you remember anything that might have contributed to it?

SD

[remarks]

Welcome Smalltownanabull!

You've come to the right place. The people on this forum truly live up to Paul's slogan: You're Not Alone.

I struggle to justify my anxiety and depression too. I have a pretty good life right now compared to others. Do I deserve to feel bad for myself? (The answer is a big YES, but it can be hard to accept at times.)

[Smalltownanabull]

Thanks snoringdog
Honestly the last time I can remember not being this depressed and fucked in the head is when I was a child. I was fearless and so excited about life. When puberty hit and I started to isolate myself and get into bad habits- eating disorder body image, anxiety, and just judging myself on my success and comparing myself to all likes of society It feels like I died. And now I’m just this scared depressed, confused,lost being stuck under a cloud. I use exercise, alcohol, dissociation and fantasy to distract me from everyday life. It’s been so long... 10 years I’ve been struggling, that it has become my norm, it is my life, I have no identity without it.

[Smalltownanabull]

Welcome Smalltownanabull!

You've come to the right place. The people on this forum truly live up to Paul's slogan: You're Not Alone.

I struggle to justify my anxiety and depression too. I have a pretty good life right now compared to others. Do I deserve to feel bad for myself? (The answer is a big YES, but it can be hard to accept at times.)

Thanks man glad to know “I’m not alone” Paul’s podcast helps me get through the days

[snoringdog]

Hello Smalltownanabull,

I think onset-at-puberty is pretty common. When I was a kid, they used to call me "smiley". Not sure why exactly, but I had a pretty interesting and "normal" adolescent life. Maybe a bit of a clown...

In my teen years though, I became pretty depressed and hopeless. Drinking beer and smoking weed regularly probably didn't help things, although they did provide solace up to a point. Just had a pervading feeling of "ennui", as they say in France...

Also given to overly-negative thinking (which I thought of as "being a realist") along with what I now see was a constant strum of anxiety & guilt..

I think anxiety & depression are lifelong problems that can be managed. I've learned that there's no magic bullet- it's an ongoing effort, and you need to find (and remember to use!) various tools...

Have you tried any counselling or meds? Anything help at all?
Does anything make you smile, ever?

Birds do it for me....