YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

In the spirit of the fear- and love-offs that Paul does with his guests, I am going to list some of the things I feel shame about today. Feel free to add your own below.

Things I feel shame about:
The first thing I posted on facebook in months was something I thought was funny, then no one else thought it was.
I didn't get enough done today in my house - I wasted a day off.
When I jokingly said I was afraid I would end up wasting my day off, my husband said, in a patronizing way, I certainly would waste it.
I failed to build a good career of my choosing.
I don't have the mental or emotional strength to become a parent
Back fat
The psoriasis on my hands and feet.
It is too hard for me to read books.
I neglected to send flowers to the funeral home for the family of a dear friend last week, whose father passed away.
That at age 37, I feel worse about myself now than I think I ever have in my life.
I am not sexually attracted to my husband anymore.

Arkay wrote: I didn't get enough done today in my house - I wasted a day off.
I failed to build a good career of my choosing.
I don't have the mental or emotional strength to become a parent

Those three are all big ones for me too.

I am ashamed that I am 42 and I don't have a house or kids.
I am ashamed that my career is floundering, that I will be out of a job in a year and I am scared about not being able to find another one.
I am ashamed that I tolerate unacceptable behavior from others because I am too scared/weak to set boundaries.
I am ashamed that I have disappointed so many people by not living up to my potential/their expectations.
I am ashamed for wanting to have sex with women other than my wife.
I am ashamed for thinking about what it would be like to be married/in a relationship with a woman that didn't have the problems that my wife has.
I am ashamed when my wife says that she is scared about the future of our marriage.
I am ashamed that I can't say no when I should say no sometimes, and that I can't stand up for myself.
I am ashamed of not being self-sufficient, for needing help, for not being good enough, for being a failure.
I am ashamed of not being a good enough patient in therapy, because I have a hard time being honest about my feelings all the time even to myself.
I am ashamed of not being a good enough friend to people because I fight to keep aspects of the real me (you know, the awful person I really am) hidden and it interferes with closeness and connection.
I am ashamed of being such a fucking coward when it comes to bad feelings and conflict and potentially making others upset or disappointed.
I'm ashamed when I do things that calm me or give me pleasure because I don't deserve to do them - I haven't earned the right to them.

This is a really awesome, creative idea arkay! "Shame offs" maybe paired with "proud offs" would add some diversity and maybe help people remember their contributions.

There are so many of these I relate to and yet my circumstances are different. Really shows are shame affects us all the same. Facebook and my shame for who I was and what I said and all the bragging rights others had making me feel like such a loser, I got rid of it 2 years ago. But maybe part of that was isolation.

Being attracted to others besides your partner and wanting to be with them is human. A person who never has desires for others is either lying, asexual, or extremely sexually traumatized. If your partners is making you feel ashamed for this, you have a controlling partner. The remarkable thing about monogamous relationships is that people don't only desire one person for the rest of their lives--that would be easy. I hope your partner isn't contributing to your shame about this.

It's like you read my mind today, Arkay!

I'm ashamed of not having a job yet.
I'm ashamed of having to live with another group of family members because we don't have a place to live yet.
I'm ashamed that I didn't stand up for myself at the doctor's yesterday.
I'm ashamed of how I constantly put myself down.
I'm ashamed because I've been sleeping a lot more lately and not getting things done.
I'm ashamed of acting younger than I am and that I'm not more mature.

I will contribute some of my (many) shames now:

I'm ashamed that when people try to intimidate me with bully tactics, I still don't have the strength to stand up to them.

I'm ashamed that I've slept with men because I was too embarrassed to admit that I didn't know that was what they meant by wanting to hang out with me.

I'm ashamed of my body hair. When I was 13 and swimming in a lake with some peers, a boy asked why I was wearing a t shirt over my swim suit and I said it was because of my stomach. He said something about how I shouldn't be ashamed on my weight, and I let him assume that because I didn't want him to know I looked like a werewolf an had an ugly belly button (my mom used to tell me my sister could wear bikinis but I couldn't because of my ugly belly button).

I'm ashamed that I have no sense of direction or geography.

I'm ashamed that I don't understand science and never could, even though I find it really interesting.

I'm ashamed that I give up on things too soon because I can't learn on my own and have no one to take the time to teach me. Or because I'm embarrassed about being so far behind everyone else and being a hindrance to others.

I'm ashamed that I can't dance.

I'm ashamed that I never stood up for my sister when she always stood up for me.

I'm ashamed that I let my sister take the blame for something I did as a kid and watched her get spanked brutally because I was too scared to admit it was me and they always assumed it was my sister because it usually was.

I'm ashamed that I let my family blame me for being too outspoken and making them uncomfortable about my queer identity and the happiness I found in the LGBT community.

I'm ashamed for abandoning the group I felt most comfortable with for financial and emotional stability.

I'm ashamed of my writing, the same writing I was extremely proud of one week ago.

I'm ashamed of being 27 and having a bachelors degree and being severely in debt and making less money than I did in high school, while others my age went on to have fulfilling careers.

I'm ashamed that I rely on others too much because I have extremely low self esteem and feel inadequate.

I'm ashamed of how narcissistic I was when I was younger.

I'm ashamed that I have nothing to offer.

I'm ashamed that when an ex girlfriend told me she'd attempted suicide the night before, I showed no empathy because I'd done it so many times and never told anyone and because I had completely numbed myself.

I'm ashamed that I told anyone about a rape and wish I hadn't. I'm ashamed that the cop was right and I put myself in the situation and didn't do enough to fight the men off and should have known better. I'm ashamed of putting myself in the same category as women who experienced more violence or who were more innocent of any wrongdoing.

I'm ashamed that I've let fear control my life.

I'm ashamed that I'm not smart enough to do anything.