YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

HALT

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

Two little stories of how defying HALT brought heartache/drama/regret/shame to me today.

1. I've posted in this forum before about tailgaters: I walked away from a hit and run car wreck in 2004 in which I was being tailgated then hit into some trees, and then a ditch, so yeah tailgating is definitely a triggering event. But I've been alot better recently about not letting tailgating get to me!

Until I wasn't. Today at 1 pm I was HAL, got tailgated, and let my pride get puffed up. Nothing happened, outwardly, but I knew hunger, anger, and loneliness helped me get invested in a situation I would typically ignore as beneath me.

2. Tonight I was HT, when I got into it with a family member, someone I am usually very close to. Like most arguments, the ostensible thing we found ourselves arguing about was a topic that neither of us cared about, and pretty soon the argument was about that we were arguing, how we were arguing, and the finer points of whether we should be arguing (answer: probably not).

The way my body and psyche work is that 90% of the time I get into arguments, it is right around sunset. 6 or 7 pm.

(Bonus story: I also snapped yesterday at a bank teller for interrupting me. I promptly apologized, but still she should not have interrupted me. I was HAL at that moment.)

Here is the lessons I take away:

1. I am a human, a complex series of chemical reactions that influence the interplay between the physical, mental, and emotional.

2. Life is hard.

3. Sometimes I find myself in arguments that nobody wants, but we end up in all the same.

4. I have the ability to be an exhausting killjoy.

5. I wish I had a little announcer or commentator in my head that would warn me when I am HALT so I can avoid or mitigate these situations.

6. Life is exhausting.

I am working on stuff like this with my EMDR therapist. She used hand-buzzers alternating from left-hand to right-hand, with different durations and different speeds.

Part of the technique is to imagine being in an empty peaceful quiet public library, and a video monitor far away on the other side of the room. You have a VCR remote to pause, rewind, fast-forward, etc. On the screen is a black-and-white image of the triggering event - you notice that the image is clear but has just a little static.

You can replay the video of the triggering event at will, all showing on the video monitor far away on the other side of the room. Letting the video play, the image changes to a red box with a red X through it.

On the remote is a green button. It is easy to press the green button - it is a nice big button. When you press the green button the red box changes to a green box.

The green box represents:

* the green box is part of just noticing the old behavior or choice - no judgement, just noticing

* the green box represents the fact that your past negative actions and choices are not your identity. You have an identity distinct from your past negative actions and choices.

* the green box represents the fact that you can substitute a new action and choice that might feel strange and foreign in the short-term, but is a definite positive choice in the long term

* the green box represents no judgment if you don't use the green box at all - it doesn't care, its only job is to be always available, if you use it or not

if you press the green button on the remote in this library, go ahead and imagine vividly the new behavior - not far away like the black-and-white trigger on the monitor, but very close and very real

You are free to do a lot of noticing, not even using the green button. The green button has only one job, to always be there for you, ready for you to press it

now you have a way to practice new behaviors and choices for specific circumstances

For example, I press the green button and see the green box just before I fall into the old trap of shame and blame of myself. If I forget to push the green button right away, that is just another thing to notice - no judgment.

Thanks Manuel Moe!