YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Here is my story "CL hookups".
I've been using CL for almost 8 years. At first I was just looking at the pictures. Never posted myself and never replied to any of the ads.
Back then I used drugs, and someone told me that I can actually score some of CL. So, my first stage of "CL hookups" was all about drugs.
My daily task was to check keywords, such as: tina, clouds, party, etc. You get the idea. So for almost 3 years I was using drugs, that I never paid for.
I never kept the track of it, but I think I hooked up with about 30 men, and a few ladies. Of course it was risky and very dangerous, but my story is not about it.

When I got sober I stopped using CL for awhile . . ..until my next need become pretty urgent. The second stage of "CL hookups" was all about SEX. I was getting my needs "satisfied" on CL.
I wonder if any of you have an idea how many emails I was getting on average? Mind my specialty was BBW, which is not everyone interested to fuck a fatty.
1 post without a picture, and I would get ~250 emails in a first day; If I'd post with a picture = 200 emails in just a first hour.
How did I sorted out? Delete the trash first - dick pictures, one liners, very ugly ones -- all gets deleted right away. Then I'd start the conversation and sort out further.

Today, I feel ashamed for what I did to my self-esteem. By doing this CL shit I literarily was destroying my self-esteem with a bazooka!

First off, I want to acknowledge your getting off drugs. While I never did anything more than weed besides a sniff of jungle juice and one time when a terrible girlfriend had me smoke "fake weed" (inspired me never to do anything but the real shit again), I have been addicted to a behavior--cutting--and know as hard as that was to quit, it's nothing compared to what you went through. I just want to applaud you for that major accomplishment.

I relate to your unhealthy turn toward sex to fill that void. I used sex as a sort of substitute also, I thought it was the only thing I was good for. I have a history of sex abuse, assault, harassment, and rape so I think it was my way of thinking I was taking back control and feel like I was making the decisions, but I wasn't, not really. Replacing one unhealthy habit with another, you lose control. It's just another form of self destruction.

Get yourself checked out for any diseases or infections. I know it's a shaming experience and our culture really needs to get over shaming people who know their health status and upholding those who don't, the real risk factors. I found out I had HPV, something most men carry and most women get. Still got shamed for it, but I'm glad I found out about it before it turned to cancer, it was pretty close. Craigslist is even worse about this, "clean DD free" is used frequently but I assume most people who post that don't really know their status or get tested often, and most repliers will tell them what they want to hear. But I'd rather be with someone who knows their status and exercises caution than someone who doesn't know and doesn't want to know. Please don't take people's lack of education as a sign that you should be ashamed. Your body and your health come first. And so should you.

Find a healthier outlet for your pain. Writing, art, martial arts, singing, whatever suits you. Work through some of your issues with a therapist or someone you can be really open with. You've been burying the underlying problem and never really addressing it. I understand that all too well. I had buried it so deep I didn't really remember it until my sister opened up to me and the flashes of weird memories made a lot more sense.

I want to give you a big hug. And a puppy. In fact, I want to erase everything I just said and just put you in a room full of puppies. Why is this not in every mental health retreat?

Thank you for saying it, you made me feel lil less ashamed.
Of course I've tested for all STDs when I moved on in life.
You can heal physically much faster than you can heal your emotional wounds.
I'm in therapy these days, and I do take meds for my major depression.
Finding these podcast was like life saving experience for me.
I will keep posting my "bits and pieces" my lovely skeletons here. I feel safe here.

I'm so glad you are getting help and making yourself a priority now!

Getting this stuff out there also helps. I have so many secrets and a double life and it's all so shaming. It hits me and I just think god, why would I do that? I'm so stupid! But just releasing it, someone hearing you out and not hating you or finding you disgusting, it's freeing. You've inspired me to start letting go of a few of my own skeletons.

Craigslist personals really is a terminal of people full of shame. A lot of the guys responding to your ad probably wouldn't give you the time of day or would treat you like shit if you met in another circumstance because they're really ashamed of their attraction to you. In fact most men prefer women with curves. But the guys who are comfortable and confident in their tastes and preferences, I've noticed nobody shames them for it. People may find it funny but in truth they're envious.

Please don't put yourself down as "a fatty". You are a person. Your weight is just an attribute of you, it isn't who you are. It may be an attribute that attracts someone initially but someone who sticks around has something they like in who you are as well. As a woman of womanly tastes, I've been with women of many times. Although I tend to like tiny women, not sure why just do, I'm often attracted to somewhat bigger women and enjoy the extra curves. I just want to bury myself in boobs, big or small, I'm not too picky . Since you know it is often an asset, why refer to yourself so negatively and dehumanizingly?

I did find your description of sorting through the emails both enlightening and hilarious. I encourage you to keep writing, it's the insight to include details like this that intrigue people.

IdentityPoltergeist, please don't use the illusion of perfection to prompt you to hide your light from everyone. You definitely have something worthy to contribute.