YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

My husband's body was found at our old house this afternoon by the authorities.
He pulled a fucking fast one on me and his best friend.

So if you're reading this and thinking about killing yourself, DON'T!!!!!!

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was very determined and there wasn't anything anyone could do to stop him.

I am so very sorry for your loss, moonlightwatie. I know you were going through a lot with moving and with cutting out toxic family members. Please take care of yourself, please don't go down the self-destructive path, this is the time for the self-loving path. Please take care. I feel so sad about this news. Let me post some resources:

http://www.depression-chat-rooms.org/de ... n-chat.htm

google: "survivors of suicide"

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/

A Handbook for Survivors of Suicide -- http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_l ... LFE-73.pdf

https://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicid ... port-group

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-survivors.html

I'm so sorry. That fucking sucks.

I'm so so sorry moonlight, that must be terrifying and devastating. Please if you need to talk to someone let us know.

So sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through but do want you to know that people on the forum want to support you.

Let us know how you're doing, when you feel you need to reach out.

Sorry, Hugs, Hold on.
This is an awful awful place and no words can change that, but you are not alone in this battle of grief.

When you are ready, try these sites:
Alliance for Hope, forum, links, studies
http://www.allianceofhope.org/

Fiercegoodbye.com
tips for the newly bereaved and later bereaved, what to say, what to do now, books, essays, spiritual leader's advice on what to say,

LOSS (loving outreach to suicide survivors)
by Chicago Catholic Charities
You do not need to be Catholic and their services are not at all religious, all are welcome
and while most of their services are in Chicago, the newsletter has some very very helpful articles and archives are online.
This was started by a priest about 25 years ago, because he saw the need. If you are at all close to Chicago, give them a call. If not, read the articles when ready - some insight on stages, coping, how we use guilt or shame or anger to grieve or avoid pain.
http://www.catholiccharities.net/GetHel ... /Loss.aspx

three women who met at a LOSS support group have a website: OurSideofSuicide.com
about the grief process

Most of NAMI and even AFPS are rather distanced and "informative" and maybe later but I didn't find them as helpful. They had some good information but felt, antiseptic somehow. Suicide is messy.
Books:

Night Falls Fast, Kaye RedmondSuicide Index, WickmanYear of Magical Thinking, Didion (not suicide but profound grief), No Time to Say Goodbye.

Be prepared for jerks to say unkind things.
Be prepared for well meaning people to say hurtful things.
Be prepared for stupid questions from some and dumb answers from others
and lots of the above will irritate because they have at least some judgment in them about him or about you and how you couldn't see it coming
Become emotionally deaf to those because you have to use all your resources right now to be right now getting through whatever it is you are feeling. Silence will stop most of them. Stares will stop more. Walking away if you must stops it all.

Be smoke when they try to grasp for answers from you that make them feel they can wrap this up into a story that makes sense. It doesn't and it won't.
Be very very protective of yourself. Be tuned into what your body tells you - sleep a lot or not at all, be still or scream. We forget how very physical grief can be, but it is. run rest and run some more.
You are not alone, as Paul reminds us often.

Well, yesterday I ended up competing in forms at a martial arts tournament. I was the only 35+ woman black belt competing, so I won. Would have been fine had they lumped all competing black belts together and given me 3rd. I did the forms that were etched into my muscle memory to make it easier on me.

This is still really hard but I kinda like what someone on a spousal caretaker forum said he was doing after his wife passed--"mourn on the run".

I feel like part of my heart was ripped out and I have to repair it now. Sigh.

But everyone's saying that I'm being "so brave and so strong." What fucking choice do I have? Crawl up and be depressed? Or honor him sacrificing himself so I could have a better life by getting on with life? I think the answer's pretty clear to me.

Still, I miss him like crazy sometimes.

moonlightwatie is strong as hell, moonlightwatie is a damn fine person. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so happy that your "muscle memory" is keeping you on a healthy road. I love that monlightwatie is on a healthy road.

It's been 9 days since he's been gone.

The community involved with Mr. Watie's profession paid for his cremation expenses in full.
The storage space with a lot of stuff I was going to try to sell to raise money for said expenses is also paid up through October. I'm impressed with those guys, because most of them just seemed like total self-centered jerks to me. Then again, Mr. Watie was great at what he did, and his hard work earned him a good reputation.

I hate going to sleep because I hate waking up without him.
I'm just really glad that I don't have to live in our old house. It would be too much for me, to be the only living Watie there.

Most of my anger has been outbursts of "you fucking cocksucker!" while I'm driving. He wanted the pain to end, and it has. He'll never be in pain nor will he ever try to sleep and drop right into REM.

But damn I miss him. Even his terrible puns and how he'd get obnoxiously punchy when he was having trouble sleeping.