Question and some advice please about my HMO

[Sortamaybe]

Hey all,

I know I don't post much. I'm trying to get back into therapy after over a year of avoiding it due to having a bad experience with a referral from a therapist who left her practice, and the referral didn't click with me. Long story short, I finally got the courage and nerve to set myself up with a new therapist and made the appointment. I was told told I had to call my provider to tell them I need a transfer (even though its been over a year since therapy for me) . So I made the call yesterday and was told that another person would get in contact with me about if I am approved to start therapy through them. Just about an hour ago, I was called back and given another number to call and the message was just "about your request". So called back and basically got grilled about "why do I feel the need to go back?", and "what are your symptoms?", and "why not a provider through OUR clinic?" He proceeds to ask me stuff about how I got a referral to the person I set up the appointment for and seemed to be annoyed and suspicious with me the whole time. Made me feel shitty basically about doing this. I maintained my cool and we hung up, then I proceeded to panic. No fun. So I get a call back from him about 10 minutes later and now he says to me, "So you made it over a year without therapy" Because he was writing up the referral for the "board to look at" and I said, "You can look at it like that but its more like I stopped going because I was afraid I wouldn't find someone I would click with after my bad experience".

I just need to share this and I'm hoping maybe someone has some calming words or advice dealing with this crap. I hate it, I just want care and support. I don't want to be grilled and made to feel like a list of symptoms that do or don't need approval to get help for. This is crazy I feel so shitty right now.