YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

This is my first post (long time listener) and I didn't know where else to put this so alas, here we are. A little back story: I have been at the same company for 4 years. It is a hell hole of a small business where the President of the company goes out of his way to single me out and make me feel incompetent on a daily basis. Haven't had a raise in almost 3 years and pretty much live on a $50 a month budget for food and gas. I don't qualify for government assistance because I "make too much over the poverty level" yet, I can barely eat. So, needless to say, stressed the fuck out is pretty much my baseline personality. I am a people pleaser and I have a tendency to open up too much about my personal life when I am comfortable because, in my sick little mind, that makes me think that I am approachable and friendly and people will like me. Yay co-dependency! When I first started at this job I was in a relationship with a full swing addict. Pills were his favorite. We lost everything. Our house, our cars. I was way into his addiction and a complete enabler and I was very sick. I used to self harm in the depths of it after I had a miscarriage. I just couldnt take holding it all in so I started to share with these people who I considered my friends. Fast forward 4 years...We broke up for over a year. I moved on an dated other people but never really fixed my love/sex addiction. He went to jail and finally got sober. I used to confide in an older man at work specifically because he became like a big brother to me. Always giving me advice but with a backhanded compliment attached. Especially when I was dating other people. But it was SO judgemental. It became that I needed his approval before I would continue to see a person. I've recently ended a relationship that lasted 3 months and while it was good, I wasnt ready to move on from the previous addict. We parted on good terms, etc. At that point, I decided I wasn't going to share anymore of my personal life because my co-worker made me question every decision that I have made during the previous relationship. My ex and I have decided to start working on things the healthy way. He is out of jail, he working on getting into a recovery program, and he is clean. He is tested by law every week. I dont feel like I have to justify my choices to this co-worker. I am 31 years old and an adult. Now, another thing, my "best friend" works with me as well. She was the only person that I trusted with the truth. That we are seeing each other again and working on things. She ended up telling the overbearing brotherly figure everything. And I mean everything. Without my permission. Keep in mind...This is a TINY company. 10 employees all together. I was attacked this morning by him and his passive aggressive bullshit. Saying that I dont talk to him anymore because I think he judges me. (He does. This is the man who told me just a couple of months ago that he didnt care if my ex gets sober and gets his life together, he hopes that he dies.) I kindly told him that I dont want to talk about it because it is no one else's business and that people cant seem to understand that. He threw his hands up in the air and yelled "FINE!". He has given me the silent treatment all day. I HAVE to work with him. It's like a fucking child throwing a temper tantrum. I don't know how not to internalize this situation. I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom trying to keep myself from going into a full meltdown panic attack. I HATE tension. Especially work tension. And now I feel bad for standing up for myself. The tears have been welling up off an on all day. And what really makes me upset is...the "best friend" has known about my mental state in the last couple of months. The self harming, the binge eating to the point where I cry because my stomach hurts and cant stop, the suicidal thoughts, the uncontrollable depression (I think Im undiagnosed BP2 or something similar. My insurance doesn't pay for mental health issues so I just white knuckle everything for right now until I can get a better job. And I am actively searching for one.), the 20lb weight gain in a month...and she chose to share THAT information. Not the fact that my family and I had a serious conversation a few weeks ago about institutionalizing me because of the suicidal thoughts I have been having. And she KNOWS this. I'm angry and I feel like it's my fault because I shouldnt have let them in in the first place. I just wanted a support system and it's now turned on me. I don't know what to do, but I just want to crawl under my coffee table when I get home and cry.

Please be kind and sweet to yourself, spinspinspin, you are not alone.

You are not alone indeed.

I once needed someone to turn to for emotional support after an abusive relationship ended. I completely opened up to a female coworker over the course of several months. During that time, the relationship with my coworker met my need for companionship, but the sexual tension got the best of my judgement and began to define my feelings towards my new friend.

This tension negatively affected both my quality of work, and how colleagues treated me. It also retarded my motivation to date other women because I became enfatuated with my new friend.

It took me a very long time to break free of the emotional trap I had built for myself. It meant I had to quit that job the moment I found a new one, and make a conscious effort to cut contact with her.

Following that decision, I was able to understand my self as a love addict / codependent and recognize that my growth was contingent on my willingness to adjust my behavior. I learned how to make better boundaries with coworkers, management and friends.

I hope you can make the same discoveries about yourself and that it leads you to making the hard choices to be accountable for your situation and take it upon yourself to happen to things, not letting things happen to you.

Cheers.

I know this post is old now, but I hope you're at a better place, both mentally and in terms of a job. You deserve to be kind to yourself and you deserve a good support system <3