YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Ok so, background- middle class upbringing in an abusive household. Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse and neglect. I was diagnosed with major depression at age 7, went untreated for over 25 years, until I finally had a break down a year and a half ago and was put in the hospital for really bad anxiety attacks. While there I was fired, my roommate moved out and stuck me with tons of bills and didn't pay the rent while I was in the hospital. I came out of that with nowhere to go, no money, and nothing going for myself. Then I got a job. A total bs, min wage job. I managed to move and pay off the debt. Shortly after that, I decided I couldn't keep working bs jobs, so I told my job I wanted to go back to school. They immediately started coming up with things I was doing wrong, and fired me within a month. I went back to school anyways. My landlords were very understanding, and even gave me a free month of rent until my financial aid kicked in and I got re-established. I now have 3 semesters under my belt, and a 3.9 GPA. My goal is to get my BS in biology, and use that to go to grad school. I thought I was doing great, even without being medicated. I have goals, short and long term, a general plan for school, etc. My GPA is great, I have won several scholarships,and I am trying to get a job on campus, since I do not have a vehicle. Really trying to pull things together and become more stable.

Background on the issue- My relationship with my landlords has been great. Well, mostly. They are an older husband and wife, and she is definitely weird, but he is super nice, and I have just been blowing off her weird comments. He never had children, so he is kind of fatherly to anyone younger. She does have kids from a previous marriage, but they live abroad. I figured him being nice was just because he always wanted to be a dad but never got a chance to have his own children. At first they offered me dinner. Home cooked meals. I think he felt bad because there were tons of leftovers, but I was eating rice and ramen. Then they started inviting me out to dinner with them maybe once a month. We would just talk and catch up, fill each other in on school and work, etc. I had said no (a lot!) because I am broke, and did not want them to feel taken advantage of, but they insisted. College students are not known for having gobs of money to go out to eat with all the time, so of course I eventually took them up on it. Nothing fancy, just Souplantation. Then he went out of his way to start asking me about things I like. He noticed I am very picky with food, and started switching to brands I like, and buying things without onions since I am allergic. This has just been a really slow build up over the last year. He would also just hand me marijuana (all of us smoke, and I am in a legal state), sometimes he would buy a frozen pizza or something if they were going out that night and leave it for me, even hanging bags on my door to make sure I know it is for me. He even has handed me bus money and stuff when he found out I have been walking to and from class because I have no money. They have invited me to family functions, the movies, I met his brother when they came in town, and she has insisted on calling me "baby" for about 8 months now. All just really fatherly/family type things, and I think he was using me as an excuse to eat more. He prepares tons of food, I do not eat much (nothing for weeks now), and then he gets up and eats all the leftovers that night. Not my fault. I NEVER ASK for anything, this has been been freely offered out of their own generosity.

Things get really weird-- She is weird. Just absolutely a weird frigging person. She started making passive aggressive comments towards me, and making weird comments about peanut butter and her dog. She knows I have horrible insomnia, but insists on making the dogs bark, playing loud music, and making tons of noise during the couple hours of sleep I can get. Just really making me uncomfortable and making this environment very toxic. She likes to corral people in the kitchen and talk about really uncomfortable things, forcing people to listen to her rants or talking about her sex life, even if you try to walk away. She went peeking in my windows, brought a 15 year old handicapped boy to also look in my windows, and has just barged in on more than one occasion. And was in absolute hysterics over my step father's last name. Right in the middle of a parking lot, making fun of my family's name to my face, doubled over in laughter.

Along with this inviting me along thing, they know I have a strained relationship with my family. My mother is a narcissist and my father was never around. So starting around Thanksgiving SHE started insisting that I come along for their annual Christmas movie and lunch, since I would not be going home. I really didn't want to, as she had already been making me uncomfortable, but she hounded me for a good month. I agreed. Come Christmas morning, he tells me they are getting ready to leave and to hurry up and get ready as we were meeting some of her friends there. I walk out to the car, and she is sitting in the back seat. I knew something was wrong. I should have turned around right there. I told her to get in front, she insisted I sit in front instead. After the movie we go out to lunch. I was already feeling really awkward by this point, and just wanted to go home. While we stood around waiting for a table, the comments started again. This time she was upset that I am only going to school and not working (insert the not enough, not doing enough, not having enough bit Paul is always referring to). Just coming out of a lot of stress and the hospital, I thought it wasn't a good idea to stretch myself too thin. She saw a help wanted sign in the window of the place we were eating, and mentioned it. I said no, I have no experience, and am trying to get a job on campus. Plus the following week was the start of winter session, and I was already enrolled M-F from 9am- 4pm. There was no way they would hire an inexperienced person for the 1 day a week I could work and still maintain my GPA or I would lose my scholarships and grant money. She shut up about that, but once we sat down, she ordered the biggest alcoholic drink they offer and when he said "get whatever you want" to both me and her friends, so she started talking about how me and her husband should get together, how he would pay for everything. How he could have two women in his life.. Just weird things. Obviously the lady is jealous, but I have no clue how to handle this situation.

Then a couple days after Christmas, she handed me a new contract. We have not had a rental agreement this entire time so my state defaults to month to month, and she did not give one to the other girl who rents here. She wanted me to start paying rent earlier, and would give me a discount if I do. I explained that I have no problem with that, but as we had already discussed, and agreed to, I couldn't do anything until spring semester started. That was my fault, I did not realize that winter was no longer considered its own semester, and I did not receive any financial aid. I have not had any money at this point since late October. I did not sign it because she had already made me so uncomfortable that I thought she was trying to pull something. She mentioned it 3 or 4 more times, each time I would explain what was going on with financial aid, about school, etc. After she handed me that paper, her husband came up to me and said not to worry about it. That I didn't have to pay, I could just start paying again when my money came in. I told him I was not comfortable with that because of his wife's behavior, and wanted to pay anyways.

Ok, so now we are up to 3 days ago. She came in and slid a hand written, illegal pay or quit notice under my door, giving me 1 week to pay the rent that was owed, even though he had said I didn't need to, and we already had a deal worked out, or she was going to file an eviction. My money is coming in 1 week after she wants me out, and the bulk will not be in until mid-March. She would not listen, would not budge, and was saying "I think you are a nice person, but I am done" repeatedly, with a smile on her face. Smiling while telling me that she was going to put me out on the street for no good reason. She even said she would kick out her husband if he did not agree with her, and told us to go get a place together before she walked out the door. Her husband once again said not to worry about it. Then I found out the next day that she had trapped the other girl in the kitchen and told her all about how I owe rent, how I have a thing for her husband, and that I am stealing. Which is all illegal, landlords can not go spreading gossip about their tenants. I wasn't aware that she was accusing me of taking things, it was never mentioned that anything was missing other than a house key one time. She also mentioned getting a gun and several other off the wall, absolutely batty things. Who the hell thinks that getting a gun and killing someone is the appropriate way to handle this??!!!

So now I am in a situation where this lady has been making my life hell for months, her husband is completely understanding and willing to wait. Everything has been back and forth, they are not on the same page, and she is blaming me for it. It has become unsafe, and very hostile here. With her being unwilling to wait and her attitude, I need to leave, but can't. I have no car, no money til after she wants me out, and finals are next week. If I pay the back owed rent, I do not have the money to move. If I move, I do not have the money to pay rent, so she is making this a self fulfilling prophecy with her attitude. I have no idea how I keep getting into these situations. I am just trying to go to school and get to a point where I do not have to rely on anyone else, and life just keeps blowing up on me.

Firstly, that woman has no idea what are normal boundaries and is fucked up. She's toxic, clearly has mental issues and has to control everyone. I swear I see my mother in her. She's narcissistic with borderline personality disorder. I commend you on knowing exactly how fucked up she is. I don't know what state you're in, but here in Michigan if she she's for back rent and you purposely stay in an rental arrangement where you accept her abuse but don't leave, you could still be liable for back rent. I do think he's trying to be fatherly toward you, but it's not worth your sanity to keep living there. You shouldn't feel like you have to stay just because you feel you owe them for all they've done or to get whatever positive fatherly experiences you're probably missing in your life.

I know this feels like you have no choice based on your circumstances to move out, but I can tell by how hard you've worked on your life to see you can do this. Draft a document which explains how much you owe, and a payment plan you can do based on your financial aid, and the dates you will send in payments (and the amounts!). Have in your document the date in which you will move out Print 2 copies! Pull the man aside in a place of privacy (far from her crazy ass) and explain your situation and will have to move out due to her mean, destructive demeanor. Make sure he notes on the document if there were any damages done to the room in which you live in. (Or you can do this and have him initial it.) Have him sign the document and the second copy in BLUE ink. You sign it the same (in BLUE INK!) and give him one of the copies. Tell him you appreciate all he's done for you, but as long as she's in the same house, you'll need to leave. They can't be the only house near campus that has rooms for rent. You owe it to yourself (and are worthy enough to put yourself first by doing this self-care) to be able to be concentrate on school.

The document will save your ass when she tries to sue you. If she says you damage or stole anything, they will ask where the police report is and documented photos. Make sure you do the same and have the husband witness there wasn't any damage. His wife is not to be trusted! If you're going to a state college, they may have and an advocate of free legal help for students. They may be able to help you draft a document. If you NEVER signed a lease, I hope the husband is willing to stand up to his wife in court.

And above all, you deserve to have a better life. I commend you on your hard work thus far. If you were my son. I would be so proud of you!

BTW, that should be "sues" instead of "she's"

It gets worse. Like usual. I moved out of there, and found a new roommate. It was a little 2 bedroom house. Kind of screwed up, but it was just temporary. I put in the application with the landlord who lives in the same property, in the front house. 3 days later I call them because it was raining and the roof in my room was literally leaking on my head, water pouring down the walls, half my stuff totally soaked. The landlord came over, took pics, went home, they come back and explain that the previous tenant had moved someone in, then moved out leaving the new person there. The new person stopped paying rent, they had to take them to court, big fiasco. Therefore, they didn't want anyone who didn't have an income that was 3xs rent. Since mind isn't, I had to go. It got pretty ugly because they were trying to get me out before my money came in. They were worried that I would be there long enough to claim residency. Why would I want to keep staying in a house that's leaking all over me?

Anyways. So I got my money, bought an RV, and fixed it up. Replaced the tires, got a tune up. I switched all my classes to online, do my humanities and general Ed, and was going to see California before going to the university I got accepted to in Colorado. The school has a pet friendly dorm, so I plan on bringing my dog. I've been so tired of bad roommates, crazy landlords, other people's problems. Traveling with just my dog, something I love doing, sounded really great, and going to a dorm where everything would be paid in advance sounded wonderful. Money got all screwed up again, and now I have a two month gap. Thought I was getting money, but it's been delayed until September. I was going to use that money as gas money to go do a couple campground host gigs, using those jobs to work my way around the state while still going to school. Getting my travel on, seeing the sites. Well, that's kind of ruined now. Not sure what I'm going to do. Been looking for a job, but that hasn't been going well. I can't seem to find anything. I try to be all cheerful, and energetic when talking to potential employers, and during interviews, but nothing. I really thought the hosting gigs would be a great way to do this. The place I was parked says I can't park there anymore either. And on street parking isn't allowed. I checked the local RV park but wowza, they are expensive.

It's just been thing after thing. For years. I keep trying, I plan for so many things. Something always goes wrong. Try, try, try, fail. It's just so tiring. I'm once again trying to figure things out. I kind of feel bitter, and disheartened by this whole year so far. I ended up doing pretty bad in my classes last semester with all this going on. I can repeat them to get a better grade, and I still have a good GPA, but still.

I've tried 3 times this year to get into my doctor. I have insurance, which is awesome, but the doctor is so slammed, it takes 3 months or so to get an appointment. The first one, I'm still mad about. I got all the way there, and realized I forgot my ID. Of all the stupid things. The second appointment I made for an eye infection. I was lucky to get in on a cancelled appointment. They wouldn't even talk to me about refilling my anti depressants. Its getting a bit overwhelming. I've been in such a bad mood because of this whole year; the depression, the things always going wrong, trying over and over but failing, running out of money, juggling school, and feeling like I have no control.?All I want right now is a safe place to park my RV, where I won't be towed, and I can look for a job, while completing my summer classes. I don't want to bother anyone, or be bothered, I just want to live in peace for just a little while.