YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Often on the podcast Paul will talk about boundaries but I don't know what he means. I put up barriers to people all the time, i avoid people, make myself unapproachable and find ways to block them or out them off talking to me. Is this what people mean by boundaries?

I know what you mean. It's one of those words everyone uses.

Anything can be part of a boundary if it sets the emotional space between you and other people. Examples might be, if you expect people to call you by your name, or that they should show up when they say they will, or will show respect to your friends. What counts as a boundary is very particular to the individual.

Sometimes your psycholological state will be because others have set up inappropriate or too rigid boundaries with you. A lot of them are unconscious or were set up when you were too young to understand their effect.

Anything you are going through, whether you feel happy, angry, numb or nothing at all, could result from the boundaries between you and others, represented in the way you meet them, how you talk to each other, how close or distant you are, and how you are when you're not around each other.

A basic way to start resetting boundaries so that they suit you better is to say "stop", when you start to feel something; uncomfortable or weird, with someone present, without worrying about why you need to say it. Another is to not answer someone until you are ready to speak. "I feel... [insert feeling] when you... [action]" is a good one I use, but, can't often be used; until you can actually name the feeling and the action.

Sometimes there is no boundary; and the actions and feelings of others go right into you. Or more basic boundaries need to be put in place before you can set the one you want. Or you have to wait for the particular encounter with a person before the boundary with them will 'take.'