"Spooky Reading Girl" says hello

[PhryneFisher]

Been lurking here for a few months, guess I should say hello. I am very grateful for your work here, and for the support and validation the podcast offers. I admire your work!

I've been a member of a support group for codependents for 20+ years, and am also a gambling addict, last gamble 2/14/12. It took a year of therapy, and more years of support groups, to lose the compulsion to gamble, although I know it's always there and I need to maintain healthy work. My main issues are codependency and enabling, although I suspect depression lately. Also romantic addiction. My mother went to the Meadows in Arizona for romantic addiction treatment in 1995, which really opened my mind to fantasy addiction, etc. Your show has helped me recognize this too. And also, neglect as a form of abuse. Also, sexual abuse doesn't mean they touched you. I remember hearing the phrase on the show "drinking you in with their eyes" and it made my skin cringe. Yes, that invasive feeling.

My mother married 6 men, 3 of them alcoholic and physically abusive. I was lucky to avoid physical sexual abuse, but my 3 sisters were not so lucky. I have survivor guilt for this. My mother's economic reality in 1969 was that 4 daughters to support and feed with a husband who abandoned her.. meant marrying another monster, or two. My father had 9 children from 3 different wives, and abandoned our family, opting for his latest. I spent 2 years in a foster home, before being emancipated. I was a normal person born into an abnormal environment. In house comedian, yup, that's me. I was the awkward broad shouldered girl, who's mom didn't tell her about showering, or how to dress. I look at those old photos with empathy for me... My quick wit kept the abusers from hitting me sometimes, and gave me a set of chops to deflect all kinds of conflict. Thing is, those defense mechanisms sure keep healthy intimacy at bay.

My mother later was my first role model of entering therapy and support groups, to heal herself. I chose to get therapy at 19 (I'm 47 now), because I was so hungry for a code of ethic, a moral set of values. I knew I was f*cked up.

My high IQ helped me intern for a famous software company, graduate college, and serve a decade in an I.T. career. I was looking for a family on some level, and Corporate America was just another dysfunctional one to join. I neutered myself to fit in as a female, and many times was the only woman in a group of twenty white men, most of whom were getting paid 20+% and more, for same title work, due to gender discrimination. This really messed with my self esteem. I would have to perform 3x better than others to be seen as equal.

10 years ago I went independent due witnessing another, "Seriously? This is Caesar level sh*t shaking down at this Fortune 100 company... " I used my skillsets to work from home, do contract work now and again. A lot of freedom, however I isolate, and am having agoraphobia and social anxiety issues. Also, I'm making half the income I was 5-7 years ago on my own, because I'm bored, and unsure what the next step is. I'm near poverty, and it's time to make a few healthy changes. Fear is definitely a companion.

Today I have a support group I visit weekly, and it's time for a counselor again. I think it's healthy to check in with a therapist every few years, to look at long term goals, and change patterns that harm us.

Thank you for letting me share my background. It's kind of uncomfortable, although maybe it's time. I'll be digging around the forum here, to be sure. We are the beautiful mess!

P.S. "Spooky Reading Girl" is a Jackie Kashian quote

[brownblob]

Welcome to the board spooky reading girl
I'm glad you found the podcast. It sounds like you are pretty self aware and have done a lot of work over the years. Best of luck as you try to figure out what your next step is.