I guess I'll start with my mom's divorce. My mom and my biological father, Tony, got divorced sometime before I was 4, but I was old enough that Mom has told me when he gradually stopped coming around I would ask where he was and when he would be back. I know now that he had a fucked up childhood and as a result is a fucked up adult, but I still can't let go of the fact that he chose to abandon me. There were so many times that he could have tried to connect with me again, but he waited till I was a junior in high school to message me on FaceBook asking to get to know me again, and then tried to lie to me about having another daughter that he abandoned. When I found out that he lied and called him on it, he told me that he didn't have to explain himself to me and when I tried to stand my ground he said he didn't want anything to do with me anymore and hung up on me. As I write this I just realized that opened up the old wounds and it might be contributing to the shit I'm dealing with now.
Also, before I was 5 my biological aunt- Tony's sister- sexually abused me. I don't have any memory of it, but my mom has told me the part she knows. My bio-aunt was my babysitter- she is 8 years older than me- and one day when mom picked me up after work I was crying and told her my bio-aunt had touched me, but wouldn't show her where. Mom called CPS, but nothing could be substantiated. Since then I've had issues with dermatillomania, anxiety, and depression. My skin picking got so bad at times that people would double-take because my legs and arms would be covered in angry red spots. One year she came to a Christmas gathering with a present for me, and my skin picking went into overdrive for months after. This was when I was 8 or 9, but I don't have any memory of it at all- I only know it happened because I've asked Mom.
Outside of that, mental illness runs rampant in my family. I only know about my family on Mom's side, but if I ever wanted to know about Tony's side I could always ask her. My maternal grandma has schizo-affective disorder and anxiety and has since before I was born. My grandpa was paraplegic and suffered from major depression. My maternal aunt had a head injury as a child that changed her personality, and now the least I can say is that she's not a very nice person. My mom has OCD and anxiety, as well as depression to some extent. And although my dad isn't biologically related to me I'll include that he has issues with anxiety and depression as well.
Since I've gone over my childhood and family situation, I guess the only thing left is now. I'm 22 years old, genderqueer, and pansexual. I suffer from GAD and depression and all the lovely side effects they bring. I have to wonder sometimes if my trauma, upbringing and family situation dictated everything I am- from my job working in healthcare to my marriage to a mentally disabled man to my sexual and gender identities. It's so easy to fall into a hole of doubt, but when I do I try to reel myself back in and remind myself that it doesn't matter because I am who I am. Recently my anxiety and depression have been worse, but I'm in between insurances and we don't have any extra money anyway so I can't get help. I'm happy I found this podcast because it really helps fight the feelings of loneliness I frequently get and sheds some light on why I feel or think the way I do.
If you've read all the way through this, thank you for reading. The thought of you taking the time out of your day to read this seriously made me cry. Like, right now there are tears running down my face. Thanks for making me cry, you jerk.
Hugs, unless you hate hugs- then a nice firm handshake.
