YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello Everyone,

So lets pretend you met me at work instead of on this online forum. You might say, wow, I really like that guy! He is a hard worker. Always dependable, shows up on time, works himself till the day is done. If you need help he will probably be there. Maybe a little too eager, but I guess that's why he got that promotion eh? At most your criticism might be that I am hard to get in contact with after work, and don't seem to go to the office parties.

That's why I'm here. That is complete bunk. Inside most of the day I am screaming.

What if I mess something up? How will I do this? Will I be fired? What if the car breaks? How will I get it fixed? Do I have enough money for food? What if I can't pay rent? Oh dear god dear god dear god dear god please let me pay rent. Oh dear god dear god dear god dear god. Was that a set of four? What if it was a set of three? If it is a set of three it is all going to happen. That doesn't even fucking make sense. I have to stop thinking like this.

And the loop begins again. When I get home I pick at my skin. I know it is disgusting but when I do it I don't feel anything. It never feels bad. Recently I started to notice that my drinking has slowly started to slip out of my control. One beer a night, two beers a night, now I'm up to three some nights. I just don't want to feel.

I want to be the guy everyone at work sees, friendly, sharp, always on the ball, on the inside. But what the people at work don't know is that four years ago I lost everything. I couldn't get a job, I lost my home, I lost my family, I lost all my possessions, all cause I came out as queer in Texas. Intertwined with in me is pride at recovering from those days, and shame at the horrible twisted coping mechanisms I have brought with me. And yes, I know that they very well may get me right back to square one.

So that is me. Pretty spiff.

Welp, good evening and thanks for posting.

I am glad you are using your words. You got it all out, and now we have somewhere to start from.

You are an excellent writer. You have a fine mind.

I encourage you to take a moment (really!) to congratulate yourself for coming out as queer in Texas. That is, wow, courageous. (Although I must admit that I've always been treated very well during the brief time I've spent in the South.)

If you think the alcohol is problem, I encourage you to take that seriously.

Please forgive me if I seem to invalidate your feelings and anxiety with the following paragraph. I don't mean to; I mean to offer you comfort

I've been fired, ran out of money and food, not paid the rent, had the car break down, picked at skin, drank too much for too long.

Much like you, I lost everything four years ago!

Also much like you, I am the most cheerful, hardworking mofo they've ever seen. Being poor/going broke will do that to a person. (ie "Not going back")

I hope your car doesn't break down, but if it does you'll make it through. I believe in you. You have what it takes. You're going to make it. I can tell.

Hey Oak,

Thanks for responding with such sincerity. You didn't come across as invalidating at all. The thing about it is even though my anxiety hounds me, I simultaneously know that it isn't telling the truth about my situation. It is good sometimes to hear someone else speaking the logic mind talk instead of the fear mind talk.

You mentioned you lost everything four years ago. I hope you won't mind if I ask you a question? Did you find following getting back on track that your decisions seemed very strong yet erratic? I felt that after I got my full time job, my apartment, my car that sometimes I made very strong decisions about what I wanted my career to be for instance, or when I picked up a hobby I became obsessed with it. As if I was reaching out in all directions and anything I could grab onto I held onto for my life. I feel like this is only starting to fade now. I often wonder if it is due to the lack of stability I had while I was homeless, or if it is just a new package of my old anxiety.

Is this similar to your experience at all??

Welp

Welp, good evening.

Yes, that is a profound question, regarding strong but erratic decisions, and I'll be happy to share my experience.

Above all, I decided that I was not going back to poverty.

In practice, how I did it, and I'm not saying this is the right way, was that I would try several things, and if something didn't work, I'd immediately set it aside (for awhile) and try something else. I could always come back to it.

Example:

I learned in 2014 that coders are scarce and well-paid. I tried Ruby, then HTML, then Git, then SQL, etc etc etc. So I was very erratic _within_ one hobby, if that makes any sense. I'd be super interested in Rails, hit a sticking point, then switch the next day to HTML.

But I didn't switch from code to chemistry to art to writing. See what I am saying?

Surviving working poverty also made me really expand my horizons of what I'll do for a living.

Example: I am doing well at my white collar job. But, I know no one is promised tomorrow in corporate America. Weird as it sounds, I went online and completed the Serv Safe training for prep cooks. I was a prep cook in my early 20s and liked it. So if I get fired at noon tomorrow, I'll walk into one restaurant after another with my Serv Safe training. Prep cooks usually work til late morning, which gives me the rest of the day to study code.

Which is all a long way of saying that as soon as I decided on the most important thing (avoid poverty) every decision became easy: I could weigh any choice as to if it would increase or decrease my odds of poverty.

The other thing I've found with people who've made it through poverty is closely related to the above: we seem to see trouble coming. When "normal" people have hope that things will work out, I've noticed formerly-poor people always see trouble coming, and immediately take action.

To answer your question (I hope!), if you look at my Linkedin, you'll see all sorts of tech stuff I've taught myself. Am I an expert in any of it? No. Can I learn much more at any time? Yes, especially if an interview is coming up.

Personally, I want to give potential employers a way to invite me in for an interview: all I want is to get in the door. I want them to say: "This guy's Linkedin says he has {valuable skill}. Let's bring him in to see if he does."

I will be whatever corporate America wants me to be. But they'll have to pay me.

Hey Oak,

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. Yes, I think that is something very similar to what I experience, but you put it in a much much more positive light than I have been viewing it.

I have tried a lot of different things all with in the healthcare field. I worked a few years as an allied health professional where I threw myself at the work all the way. During that time I took some course work and self study in health management, health policy, and pre-nursing courses. Sort of like you did with the coding.

Then I applied to and got into this full time program at a very good University. Unfortunately, when I got there it became quickly apparent to me that they didn't have the resources I needed to fund my education. At one point I was explaining I wasn't sure how I was going to get tuition for next semester to a financial aid adviser. She kept asking if my parents could make any contributions. When I explained to her AGAIN that I have been supporting myself for over 5 years, I'm an adult, my parents aren't in the picture, she then asked "Well... do you think they would cosign for a private loan?"

I dropped out because it was clear to me that this wasn't a safe bet. I have been feeling a lot of shame, thinking that I went into this program too fast, that I didn't do the research I needed to find out while it pitched itself as a "returning student" program, that was apparently for returning students with deep pocketed parents.

But I like how you put it:

The other thing I've found with people who've made it through poverty is closely related to the above: we seem to see trouble coming. When "normal" people have hope that things will work out, I've noticed formerly-poor people always see trouble coming, and immediately take action.

I was seeing it as I was clawing at this non-existent opportunity past reason, but maybe it is actually that I pursued an opportunity, became aware of the trouble coming, and acted quickly.

As soon as I realized I wasn't going to be able to maintain my financing I called my old employer back, got a part time job there, and transferred to a local community college. It is going to take an extra few years to get my degree that way, but I will have a LOT less debt and don't have to fear not being able to get financing and dropping out without the licensure I need.

Some of my friends in the program I left are already in too deep. A lot of their parents had to cosign for private loans with HUGE interest rates. I like the idea of looking at it like I have a wisdom I gained through my experience, instead of I make bad decisions.

Thanks for the perspective!

First up, Welp, you're going to make it. I like your chances. You've got what it takes.

I say this, in part, because you were willing to try the four year program, saw it wasn't going to work out, then get out. You got back into the system (through your previous employer), so that was smart.

Let me leave you with this, as you move forward.

If I were you, I would find three categories of ideas in healthcare:

(1) where the money/research/trends/changes are coming in healthcare,

(2) in what areas/fields, and

(3)where (ie companies).

My job is healthcare-adjacent, and FWIW, here is what I see happening:

1. Trends (ie how to be useful to society [ie save lives], which is highly compensated): big data, IoT, imaging, "making" (3d printing and beyond), and chemistry.

2. Fields: cancer, heart disease. Perhaps also cystic fibrosis, prosthetics, and other needs. But definitely cancer and heart disease.

3. Did you mention you live in Texas? If so, I'd be all over MD Anderson. While that is a great place, oftentimes the real gamechangers/people making money are suppliers to places like MD Anderson. ie, a couple guys work there, develop something on their own, then go in business for themselves. This is equally true for UT, etc.

Once you have a list of several for each of the above, try various combinations until you find something that feels right to you, and brings opportunity.

For example, "big data-cancer-MD Anderson" could be the first combination you try. Look into SQL, read the latest news on cancer, and see what MD Anderson is up to. Do you have any doubt, any at all, that MD Anderson is extremely interested in data?

Maybe all three will be a perfect fit, but more likely, like Goldilocks, you'll have to try again. So if big data is perfect for you, but MD Anderson simply isn't you, then keep the data and leave the rest behind (for now). Try again.

Then try "IoT, heart disease, UT". There is going to be billions of dollars spent on IoT in the next three years. Maybe trillions. You can get in on the ground floor. Do you think IoT can revolutionize heart disease research at UT? Absolutely.

Basically, Welp, big data and IoT are not going anywhere. We are just barely scratching the surface of 3D printing. There is a whole future out there, within healthcare, that can save many lives.

Just last week I chatted up a scientist who says with today's 3d printing Christopher Reeve (a famous actor in the 80s) might be able to walk.

Dude, I am excited about your future in healthcare in Texas! There are going to be so many lives saved, and so much money generated.

Get into data. You can learn SQL for free.

Get into IoT. You can get a great Arduino kit for $50.

If you can afford $350 definitely get a plug and play 3D and teach yourself. They're trying to 3D print skin and bones. A guy I met is working on 3d printing a kidney.

If I may offer a few more thoughts, which you are certainly welcome to take or leave.

If I were in your shoes, Welp, here is what I'd do:

1. Complete your degree. A bachelors opens doors.

2. If you like it, minor in chemistry.

3. Try SQL. There are plenty of free tutorials out there. Any sort of database experience is extremely valueable. Access, Peoplesoft, SAP, ERP.

4. Google "maker space [your zip code]". Get there ASAP, and tell them you'd like to see their 3D printer.

5. Anytime you meet someone who seems smart, ask them what they think the future holds for IOT. 9 of 10 people will have no idea. The tenth person will become extremely excited. Listen to that person.

Thank you for being willing to listen to what I offer, Welp. I ask you not to believe anything I say just because I say it. Go talk to people who are getting things done, moving up in the world, helping people, making money.

I might be making up or exaggerating everything. But if two or three other people confirm that yeah, IoT is going to be freakin huge by 2020, listen to them.

You're a good guy. I wish you the best. Go save some lives and make a bunch of money. Go get it. Good luck.