50-something daughters of alcoholic fathers...
Posted: April 1st, 2021, 3:52 am
I’ve gone through and worked on a lot and I keep coming back to how much the way my alcoholic father’s quest to punish, shame, and control me - despite my being every teacher’s, friends’-parents’, and boss’s favorite do-gooder, quick-study, model girl-next-door - broke me early in a way that’s just not... fixable.
Is this your experience? Have you hacked the voice in your head (your father’s unpredictable digs and accusations) so that you can function without fear and self-loathing? What’s your best tip for rebuilding that little girl ego that never had a chance? Have you forgiven him? Or your long-suffering mother for not protecting you more? Does it affect your ability to parent or otherwise love in a healthy way?
If this is you, too, then my inner five-year-old girl has a message for yours: you are an awesome tree climber/red rover player/cannon baller/wild blueberry finder/dreamer/speller/scab picker/little sister carer/Encyclopedia Brown reader/Bugles and Table Talk pie eater/etc. etc. etc. and everything you are is exactly as it should be. Messy, funny, curious, hungry, caring, and open. You are wonderful on the inside and the outside. People are going to love you without your even trying, and if they want you to try (to earn their love), that’s your invitation to run with those beautiful strong scabby legs of yours as fast as you can back to the monkey bars or the library shelves or the peanut butter and jelly jars where you feel like yourself and know there is absolutely nothing about yourself that needs changing. You are right to be proud — of your skills, your accomplishments, your appetites, and your unique body and mind. No one — not your father or anyone else, including yourself — is allowed to take that self-peace away from you.
I’m sorry you have such a hard time believing that. It’s not your fault. But if it’s helpful to hear from the outside... most of what you think about yourself is untrue and unfair and unhelpful. From where I’m sitting, you are you and that’s exactly who you were meant to be. Tell that old guy in your head to go look in the mirror and say to the person he sees there everything he’s trying to tell you. You are not too big for your britches, you’re not looking for trouble, you’re not making a spectacle of yourself or up to no good. That’s him. It’s always been him, and it was always what he needed to tell himself. He tricked you and it hurt. But now you know. You’re just the right size, you’re making good trouble, and you are the most lovable and capable and honest you there is or ever was.
Is this your experience? Have you hacked the voice in your head (your father’s unpredictable digs and accusations) so that you can function without fear and self-loathing? What’s your best tip for rebuilding that little girl ego that never had a chance? Have you forgiven him? Or your long-suffering mother for not protecting you more? Does it affect your ability to parent or otherwise love in a healthy way?
If this is you, too, then my inner five-year-old girl has a message for yours: you are an awesome tree climber/red rover player/cannon baller/wild blueberry finder/dreamer/speller/scab picker/little sister carer/Encyclopedia Brown reader/Bugles and Table Talk pie eater/etc. etc. etc. and everything you are is exactly as it should be. Messy, funny, curious, hungry, caring, and open. You are wonderful on the inside and the outside. People are going to love you without your even trying, and if they want you to try (to earn their love), that’s your invitation to run with those beautiful strong scabby legs of yours as fast as you can back to the monkey bars or the library shelves or the peanut butter and jelly jars where you feel like yourself and know there is absolutely nothing about yourself that needs changing. You are right to be proud — of your skills, your accomplishments, your appetites, and your unique body and mind. No one — not your father or anyone else, including yourself — is allowed to take that self-peace away from you.
I’m sorry you have such a hard time believing that. It’s not your fault. But if it’s helpful to hear from the outside... most of what you think about yourself is untrue and unfair and unhelpful. From where I’m sitting, you are you and that’s exactly who you were meant to be. Tell that old guy in your head to go look in the mirror and say to the person he sees there everything he’s trying to tell you. You are not too big for your britches, you’re not looking for trouble, you’re not making a spectacle of yourself or up to no good. That’s him. It’s always been him, and it was always what he needed to tell himself. He tricked you and it hurt. But now you know. You’re just the right size, you’re making good trouble, and you are the most lovable and capable and honest you there is or ever was.
