Choose your own Perception

[nicolehessling]

We our limited and taught to suffer from the very start of our exsistance. In fact even the pre concerning cultural, social and enviromental factors that led to your inception in the first place can be an inherited pre-disposition to what your place is in this world. what standards you must be upheld to and measured by , who you must answer to and sacrafice for. We our born into a religion of obtainables. And our god is this set of criteria that paints the idea of what is ideal. This is what it means to be good, functional, and most of all acceptable to the rest of the world. THere is a difference between biological influences, enviromental and cutlural/social circumstance that dictate what it is that you should be doing with your time that is considered exceptable for your level of ability. In parts of russia/ former ussr there is a term used called oligophrenia. It basical means feeble minded and its basically given to anyone who doesnt appear intellectually normal. Before institutionalization and the dsm we had something called the poor house or an almshouse. This was a place for the old sick and desttitute to come and work as best they could. these types of homes ended with the social security act in 1935 and newer ideas and discoveries in psycholoogy brought a whole new world of dictations and criterias and metrics that determined what is normal and what is abnormal. THey had the right idea but really it just created a whole world ot terms and lables that are really nothing more than words creating a world of people trapped in a very rigid and limited perception. The world is ours and a limited perception can become a cage without a lock. We feel trapped in but theres nothing really keeping you inside. And most people stay in their cages because they just cant see past this. THeres too much fear and guilt and stigma associated with going agaisnt the grain and sometimes this can lead to persecution from a fearful society weary of change. Theres a quote Maude says in the movie Harold and Maude" Oh how the world just loves a cage." Which is true in so many differet ways. To think of life as this linear path with and end and a begining is comforting to us as humans. We want to feel in control, we want to know whats going to happen, we like to be told and shown what to do and most of all we like to be accepted and respected by the rest of the world. This idea of a journey gives us are "purpose" We are not math equations and we very much dont have one idefinite predetermined answer to what I am or what label im given to predertmine my worth and quality of life. Life as a journey leaves us feeling unfulfilled, feeling worthless and to me the worst feeling of all, hopelessness. We dont enjoy things, once we reach a point we forget all about where we have been or where we have reached and only see the next struggle. Theres nothing worse than that realization that you really enjoy nothing. And continually are seeking that next thing or idea that will bring us our happiness. And the feeling of dissapointment when your ideal of the right way or journey or destination that you where taught to follow just doesnt feel as good as you thought it would have. We set eachother and ourselves up for continual disapointment and hoplesness. You have nothing with no hope. I can chose to live in this world where i dont uphold to anything considered succsesful or acceptable. I dont make a lot of money, I have worked in the past and do know that i cant at this time. I come from a family of overacheivers and people who do everything right. If i want to feel pathetic i can do a lot of comparing, My closest cousin to my age is six months older than me and an incredible attorney. And there was a time when the Judge said the "people vs Nicole Marie Hessling " represented by Renee Marie Hessling. The judge looked at us very puzzled and i felt that shame standing next to my cousin while feeling compared to her and definatly fallig short. I wanted to go through all things that she had that i didnt and that life isnt fair and she had better this or i spent half of my time during high school in psych wards and she didnt have to. And then i heard my cousin speak. I started to cry I was so proud of her, She really is an excellent lawyer. I was so proud to have her as my cousin, I was happy to stand next to her. That day I learned to live outside of myself. And to take joy and pride and happiness in not just my accomplishments but those accomplishments of others as well. If i cannot afford expensive electronics, trips and nicer things or i feel this is not something that i have to or need to obtain I do not have to live in that world where those things are of such high regard. My disability allows me to live in a world where time really is of no relevence. I really have no purpose but endless possibilities. I go into most peoples homes and take note of the things they have and hold of value and it just seems really mundane to me. Wheres their collection of most interesting twigs, or most satisfyingly shaped rocks, wheres their journal of made up words? to say you have to live in the momement is a gross understatement. It might be easier for me to say to myself right now im enjoying and searching through these rocks and thats it. My grandmother asks "well what are you going to do wthth those rocks, whats the point?" She cant understand it when i say there is no purpose. But it was enjoyable and felt wonderfull while i was doing it. And i no longer feel like i have to explain anything to anyone or adhere to anything. And I no longer feel afraid of what others really think. It doesnt really make my day any different. Ive learned that certain words and actions will put me in hospital or jail. And ive had to live this life for so long of being strapped down, hand cuffed, restrained, injected, isolated, questioned, drugged, labeled, diaganosised and looked down on by a society that belives that its ok and they have merit in doing so. Its ok for people to walk over me. Its ok for me to be raped, beaten, robbed and homeless because its not like im a "regular" person. Im a crazy person. I feel like life is a serious of little mind tricks and most people need journeys and destinations and exceptance to give them a reason to keep going. Its like we are all horses running up and down the street with all with these carrots dangeling in front of us, that we're desperatly chaseing and will never get to. A limited perception is a lock without a cage, you can leave anytime. Its like the story of platos cave. For most it was just to much to handle to realize the world as they know it was nothing but the shadows casted by the people who where actually living. Not many can live with that type of realization and are much more comfortable excepting the misery than the unknown.