Fit yet not healthy
Posted: July 18th, 2023, 1:45 pm
Oak, i will dedicate this to you as your show keen interest in the preparation i have to go through for a race when battling some interesting mind f*#!S
There needs to be some back story for this to make sence, and there is a large element of shame that flows through this.
I was never a runner, never out to run long hours, nor run in group settings. I was the kid at school who tried her best to fade into the background and not be noticed. I would even go so far as to forge notes saying i didn't have to do sport. I avoided people then in a similar way to what i do now. Hide!
My body became prepared for running in January 2008. Six weeks after the disturbing death of my mother. I literally sold everything, packed the car and sold the house. We moved to the South Island to get as far away as possible. There in the back of the city of Dunedin i found the Silver Peaks. I starting climbing there as i was doing here in New Plymouth. I felt an urge to grieve in a way i can only explain as a propulsion forwards with the body and soul. I started jogging the hills, i could go deeper into the hills that way. Soon the mind changed little by little. I was feeling stronger, more able and more alive. A light went on. Now when i don't run the light fades and so do i.
I won't bore you with years since then, there has been mental battles and many more harmful than helpful. The negative self talk through injury or fatigue, disease and sickness. The words spoken to me as a child fade into a whisper with each step forward.
August 12th 2023, i will run my most public event ever. There will be thousands of people and support grew to join a bounty of runners who want to run on raw volcanic areas of Rotorua.
The training for this run depends on your baseline fitness. After running something such as an ultra we need long periods to recover between races. As my last ultra and marathon was some time ago i started training ten weeks ago. I will begin to taper off in two weeks to allow the body to recover and prep for the speed and mindset of the day of the event. Currently running 70km-120km a week.
Yesterday i ran twice, once in the morning at a fast pace for only 5km. We use this speed run as a marker to determine our average pace and ability to complete a full 10km in around 60min or less. I broke mine down into two segments. My speed run 5km in the morning with a very mindful gate of my fun. Or what we call pace and footing. Then the second run on fatigued legs to try break the mental barrier and help the brain be comfortable with me uncomfortable.
Today is a rest day, meaning strength with upper body and core. I will stretch for 45min this evening before bed. These are the days i don't like. This is where i struggle and the negative self talk flows like water. I don't feel as productive through the day without a morning run, hence why i love an ice bath on these days. It is a new challenge and i can prove to myself i can do hard things. I take back the power yet again.
Ask many runners why they run, many will say freedom and strength. Some will say to control the body, some will say they run for their life. I run for all these reasons and more.
I don't like my body, not many people do unless they have medical procedures to change appearance to look like a doll. Even then they hate something else.
When i was first diagnosed with bowel disease i put all the blame on myself. I was restricting my diet to get to race weight, much like i am now. At times eating became hard. I knew i needed it for fuel, i knew i needed it to repair the damage from the running but my brain just became a war zone. Looking in the mirror now i am not at race weight, i am not where i would like to be. Once upon a time i ran to fade away, not just into the distance but to die. I wanted to fade away into nothing. Life was so hard i had to take it out on myself, all the people i wanted to scream at were dead all before their time.
I carry shame with me Oak, i lost my identity in a way when i was abused, i lost an innocence and a sense of ownership of this body, when i run i feel free. I feel alive, pain is my friend then. I can work with it and make it stop when i slow down or rest. But when i am still there is a pain that seems to vibrate just under the skin that will never stop.
My sleep is full of nightmares, not at bad as they used to be. So when i get up at 4am every morning to run i can clear that overnight terror out of my own mind just briefly.
Tomorrow is a 15km run at a medium speed.
I might be training for a half marathon Oak, but really when it comes down to it, i am running for my life.
Without it i would not be here.
There needs to be some back story for this to make sence, and there is a large element of shame that flows through this.
I was never a runner, never out to run long hours, nor run in group settings. I was the kid at school who tried her best to fade into the background and not be noticed. I would even go so far as to forge notes saying i didn't have to do sport. I avoided people then in a similar way to what i do now. Hide!
My body became prepared for running in January 2008. Six weeks after the disturbing death of my mother. I literally sold everything, packed the car and sold the house. We moved to the South Island to get as far away as possible. There in the back of the city of Dunedin i found the Silver Peaks. I starting climbing there as i was doing here in New Plymouth. I felt an urge to grieve in a way i can only explain as a propulsion forwards with the body and soul. I started jogging the hills, i could go deeper into the hills that way. Soon the mind changed little by little. I was feeling stronger, more able and more alive. A light went on. Now when i don't run the light fades and so do i.
I won't bore you with years since then, there has been mental battles and many more harmful than helpful. The negative self talk through injury or fatigue, disease and sickness. The words spoken to me as a child fade into a whisper with each step forward.
August 12th 2023, i will run my most public event ever. There will be thousands of people and support grew to join a bounty of runners who want to run on raw volcanic areas of Rotorua.
The training for this run depends on your baseline fitness. After running something such as an ultra we need long periods to recover between races. As my last ultra and marathon was some time ago i started training ten weeks ago. I will begin to taper off in two weeks to allow the body to recover and prep for the speed and mindset of the day of the event. Currently running 70km-120km a week.
Yesterday i ran twice, once in the morning at a fast pace for only 5km. We use this speed run as a marker to determine our average pace and ability to complete a full 10km in around 60min or less. I broke mine down into two segments. My speed run 5km in the morning with a very mindful gate of my fun. Or what we call pace and footing. Then the second run on fatigued legs to try break the mental barrier and help the brain be comfortable with me uncomfortable.
Today is a rest day, meaning strength with upper body and core. I will stretch for 45min this evening before bed. These are the days i don't like. This is where i struggle and the negative self talk flows like water. I don't feel as productive through the day without a morning run, hence why i love an ice bath on these days. It is a new challenge and i can prove to myself i can do hard things. I take back the power yet again.
Ask many runners why they run, many will say freedom and strength. Some will say to control the body, some will say they run for their life. I run for all these reasons and more.
I don't like my body, not many people do unless they have medical procedures to change appearance to look like a doll. Even then they hate something else.
When i was first diagnosed with bowel disease i put all the blame on myself. I was restricting my diet to get to race weight, much like i am now. At times eating became hard. I knew i needed it for fuel, i knew i needed it to repair the damage from the running but my brain just became a war zone. Looking in the mirror now i am not at race weight, i am not where i would like to be. Once upon a time i ran to fade away, not just into the distance but to die. I wanted to fade away into nothing. Life was so hard i had to take it out on myself, all the people i wanted to scream at were dead all before their time.
I carry shame with me Oak, i lost my identity in a way when i was abused, i lost an innocence and a sense of ownership of this body, when i run i feel free. I feel alive, pain is my friend then. I can work with it and make it stop when i slow down or rest. But when i am still there is a pain that seems to vibrate just under the skin that will never stop.
My sleep is full of nightmares, not at bad as they used to be. So when i get up at 4am every morning to run i can clear that overnight terror out of my own mind just briefly.
Tomorrow is a 15km run at a medium speed.
I might be training for a half marathon Oak, but really when it comes down to it, i am running for my life.
Without it i would not be here.