Need so much intense motivation to accomplish so little!

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, that always throws me for a loop too. Intellectual process vs. emotion & reaction & feeling & compulsion. I guess time, time, and more time is what makes the change. Intellectual process first, that inspires you to think about it everyday, and only time, time, and more time changes emotion & reaction & feeling & compulsion

[dare i say it]

Time helps, but I'm not sure all the time in the world would have been enough for me to break out of some of the patterns I was in. I wish I had the words to adequately explain how to sort all of these things out, but I'm afraid I don't. The best self-assessment I can offer for what's been going right in my life is this:
1. I listened to the MIHH podcast and heard again and again that I wasn't alone.
2. I started doing more things to take care of myself--better diet, exercise, structure, journaling...and all of that started small.
3. I found healthy ways to be open in the forum about what was going on with me.
4. As soon as I was ready I found a therapist I could talk to (and afford to see). Over time I developed some simple rules to help me get the most out of that process. First, no lying to the therapist--only genuine emotions and things I know to be true. Hold nothing back. Second, once I felt safe with him I needed to give myself over to the process and start taking direction. Both of these are very challenging, but doable.
5. I found small ways to be of service to others.
6. I found healthy ways to connect to other people.

[manuel_moe_g]

Everywhere I look, I see potential crushing failure

but failure is my friend, like "if you always hit bulls-eyes, the target is too close", my friend failure tells me that my target is not too close

trying my best, my friend failure always coming to visit, and future-failure that my anxiety imagines is saying "yoo-hoo" to me

[manuel_moe_g]

need so much sleep, it is ok, but this is directly related to how I fall so far behind

[dare i say it]

Often when I am overwhelmed by something psychologically, I get an intense urge to sleep. I don't know why this happens or what to do about it really. Maybe there is no right or wrong answer. I could offer some wild theory that it's some kind of defense mechanism by which my psyche is protecting me from the "issues" or situations I'm about to confront. Even if that were true, it doesn't give me a clear answer about how to proceed. Taking a nap and forging ahead with my day are both valid choices I think. And it's not like it's a one-time all-or-nothing decision. I can take a short nap or a long nap or no nap at all. I can totally avoid whatever situations might be triggering the drowsiness response, or else I can choose from any number of ways to deal with the situation directly. And I'll get many, many more opportunities to make that choice again. The key for me is to try very hard to be honest with myself about the choice that I'm making and the consequences it might have. At the same time, I try extremely hard to leave all feelings of shame out of it. The shame is always there, I just try to set it aside while I make the choice.

Out of the blue since Saturday I've been feeling like total shit. So, I've had many of these "opportunities" to try to make wise choices about what's in my best interest at that moment. I know how hard this is.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am not certain about what you mean by "shame". Shame for the failures of the past? I am more in the present now, less in the past, but my image of my future can make my present very anxious!

When I am in a garbage rut, I control my breathing, meditate while standing up to get out of my own way, and move slowly like a robot just keeping my focus on staying present and effective 120 seconds into the future. It kind of works, not perfectly, but best I have discovered yet.

If I am so incapable that I cannot work, and I feel like a nap, I take a mega-dose of caffeine, then have a lie-down with ice-packs on my head, and sleep in a quiet room and really work to empty my head, and set a timer so I don't oversleep to the point where I will wake up more tired than I began.

A lot of my highest goals are still valid, but at certain moments thinking about these highest goals is grandiosity and is a form of harmful self-soothing - so I empty my mind of them and use healthy self-soothing [1] controlled breathing and meditate and get into the moment, not the past or future and not trapped inside of myself [2] I want to maximize my potential in the present and future, so that requires self-forgiveness so I am not under the burden of failures of the past [3] imagine the fearful crying child inside of me that is in pain in exactly the way that is keeping me from working in the present, and then accepting that child and imagining holding that crying child like a caring responsible adult holds a crying child.

Hit me, watching show about 600 lbs man, how much I love to eat, and restraining myself eating and exercise is exactly the way I can enjoy eating for my whole life, without needing to have gastric bypass and restrictive diet - like how Adam Carolla talks about his love for red wine makes him work to not overdo it because then if he has to have alcoholic treatment he will have to give up red wine forever.

[dare i say it]

When I mentioned trying to leave the "shame" out of my decision-making process, I was referring to the fear that if anyone really knew me, they would think I was a real fuck-up. It's the fear of being judged and rejected. It requires an awful lot of my mental energy to try to hide all my weaknesses and failures from everyone. It's basically shame that makes me feel like I need to do that.

[manuel_moe_g]

It requires an awful lot of my mental energy to try to hide all my weaknesses and failures from everyone. It's basically shame that makes me feel like I need to do that.

This was a very strong feeling I felt 10years,15years,20years ago. For some strange reason, I don't feel it anymore. I guess I "upgraded" to a "better set of problems" - now I feel like I am being jerked around in a million different ways by people close to me, and now I wish for some alone time and peace.

I felt some release from that shame-feeling by throwing myself into activities, with little care if people thought I was a sexless sexually-frustrated awkward strange creepy chubby nerd. Activities like hiking, or IRC talking about the band They Might Be Giants, which led to real-life meetups. I just threw myself into exactly the role I was terrified people would place me in - sexless sexually-frustrated awkward strange creepy chubby nerd - not shouting it from a megaphone, but just making a decision to "let my freak flag fly" and let the judgement roll off me like water rolls off a duck's back. Also, forcing myself to be more forward than felt natural, and putting myself in situations where people could really shoot me down - boy howdy, did some women really shoot me down!

I am still thinking about what you wrote - "if it feels comfortable, you are probably doing it wrong"! I think this little phrase will help me in the place I am in right now. Thanks. Cheers!

[dare i say it]

For me, things I don't like about myself ARE the things I try to hide from the world. And the feeling that I am not doing enough is way high up on the list of things I don't like about myself. So that's probably why I jumped to talking about shame when you mentioned that you have to push yourself very hard to get work done.

As for what I said about "if it's comfortable, then I'm doing something wrong"...I've been trying to apply that rule in my life recently and I feel like I should point out that it's not quite as simple as it sounds. First, there is such a thing as being overwhelmed by a situation and then being more reluctant than ever to try something like that again. For most people with a severe fear of heights, pushing them to go skydiving seems like a bad idea to me. So I try over and over again to find ways to step outside my comfort zone, but not so far out that it will be traumatic. That's tough when everything feels traumatic.

Second, discomfort alone may do nothing to help me. I've had more than my fair share of discomfort in my life and yet here I am! My therapist has given me a list of skills to apply before, during, and if necessary after I step outside my comfort zone. So I guess the key is to find new ways to process an experience so that they go more smoothly and I can recover more quickly when my emotions get stirred up anyway.

It's important to remind myself that my progress in therapy has a speed limit. That limit is imposed by my psyche and how much change it will tolerate. If I'm honest this limitation pisses me off because I wish I didn't have to suffer through this for so long. I wish there were a shortcut. Unfortunately it takes as long as it takes and all I can do is try to stay close to that speed limit every day. I've kinda dropped the ball today. But alas, the day is not done...

[dare i say it]

Activities like hiking, or IRC talking about the band They Might Be Giants,

I just read through your post again. Hiking is a wonderful thing to do! I use exercise as a stress-releiver. It doesn't always work, but I'll take all the help I can get. I'm not familiar with IRC. What is that?

Also, no one is more sexually frustrated then me. I haven't even been on a date in several years. So you're in good company, I guess!