Hey y'all

[SpoilsburyToastboy]

Where to begin? Well I'm a male in my mid 30s from North Carolina. I inherited a genetic eye condition from my mom which is causing me to slowly go blind. As I type this I'm actually legally blind because my visual field is less than 20 degrees. Normal vision is 180 degrees. But to say that I'm functionally blind at this point wouldn't fit me....I get around without a cain or dog although I could probably benefit from either if I didn't want the stigma that both of those things carry.

I didn't start losing my vision until around 13 or so but I managed to keep that secret until I was about 30. I remember back in college being able to pass it off as being drunk or stoned if I tripped over something or couldn't find my way in the dark. As it got worse in my early 20s I would just avoid any circumstance that could possibly cause me trouble. At the ripe old age of 36 I can't really hide it anymore and to be honest I grew so tired of hiding it for so many years that I'm very open about it now. My problem deals with my lack of acceptance of my condition on the deepest of levels. I don't consider myself worthy of love on any level due to my "defect" and up until last year I self medicated with benzos, opiates and alcohol. It came to a head after my mom died of breast cancer late last year. I overdosed and my daughter was the one who had the unfortunate job of finding me in a state so far gone she couldn't wake me up. I was rushed to the hospital and brought back to life.

Since then I have quit pills and scaled way back on the alcohol but my self image and thoughts about my future remain very dark. In my relationships I only attract and am only attracted to extremely broken people that have only ended up making my life more miserable. I only recently recognized this pattern so now I force myself to be alone rather than form bonds with people that end up dragging me further down. This pretty much just deals with my romantic relationships as I would rather focus on someone else's problems than my own. It's a recipe for disaster. If I meet and start dating someone who does have their shit together then I look to end it as quick as possible. I have the constant thought that I will go the suicide route once my remaining functional vision is gone.

Am I fucked up enough to hang here?

[ocadhla]

Welcome to the board!

I'm glad to hear that you've become more accepting of your problem and aren't self-medicating anymore. It sounds like you're on the right path and I hope that participating on this site will help.

[dare i say it]

Do you have choroideremia? I saw this story on TV a little while ago about a man who had similar symptoms. http://drdrew.blogs.cnn.com/2012/02/25/ ... ave-sight/ He referenced an advocacy website, too. http://choroideremia.org/crf/

Since then I have quit pills and scaled way back on the alcohol but my self image and thoughts about my future remain very dark.

I know that people will always manage their problems as they see fit, and I know that I haven't always made the best choices in treating my problems. Still, I'm trying to be more honest so I need to say this even if could be taken the wrong way. This all sounds incredibly serious! Constantly thinking about suicide is an emergency. Addiction isn't solved by "cutting back." Do you know where to go to get serious help for serious problems? The help is there if and when you want it.

[terryb]

I'm not sure I agree that an addiction can't be resolved by cutting back. I know that approach doesn't work for a lot of people, but I have seen some folks get drinking or drugs under control this way and actually can enjoy these things occasionally in moderation. So if you've managed to pull that off and you're comfortable with your behaviour, good for you. I don't think one size fits all for any issue.

[dare i say it]

Perhaps I was speaking out of turn. I'm just going on what I've heard from people who treat addiction and from people who identify themselves as having addictive biology. If it works for you, if it gets you the life that you want, then more power to you. I tend to react strongly when I hear about other people whose mental illness has degraded their quality of life to near zero. I suppose that's because I'm not very removed from a long period of my life when I was desparately mentally ill. It's hard for me to watch other people stuck and struggling because it reminds me of me not too long ago.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Spoilsbury,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry for the belated response. We're glad you're here. I'm no therapist, but I've heard its common for "caretakers" to make people their drug because it gave them type of "fix" in childhood. Did you have a parent or sibling who needed constant attention? People can be the most dangerous drug to be addicted to because we can fool ourselves into thinking we are helping someone and being of service when often times, we're just enabling them and ignoring our own needs. Take it from a people pleaser. I used to hate being around well-adjusted positive people. Not anymore. I love it.

Sorry you're having to deal with such a difficult health matter. And you qualify perfectly to be here with us. Welcome!

Paul