I hate my irrational depression

[marathonbar]

I suppose it's good that I'm feeling angry and frustrated over this depression and anxiety I've been going through. At least I'm feeling something. I'm so sick of waking up every morning with a feeling of doom. I have all the things that a person is supposed to need to be happy. I have a home, a family, lots of friends. Yet I start crying and shaking and can't seem to get a grip on my thoughts and feelings. My therapist says I'm doing all the right things. I'm exercising, meditating, eating pretty well, taking supplements, going to church (thank God for the Unitarian church and their openness)... yet I feel like every moment is a lifetime. I can't get out of my own head. I want to be happy. I want to be joyful. My doctor suspects this may be a hormonal thing, which makes me feel better in a way. At least there's a reason and I'm not just entirely fucked in the head. But I live in fear that I'm going to become unhinged and I won't know what to do. So that's the start of my Monday. I'm off now to exercise, which is the one thing that seems to actually make somewhat of a difference. Happy Monday, y'all!

[next year]

Hope the rest of your day went better...

Angry and frustrated can be positive - an impetus for change. Hang in there.

[marathonbar]

Thanks so much, Next Year. Yes, anger is a good thing. Slowly, slowly, I'm getting better. I look forward to the day this depression breaks and I can start being the person I want to be. I appreciate your encouragement.

[terryb]

If your doctor suspects your depression may be hormonal, i urge you to look into that ASAP. I think i am just going into menopause and coicidentally my very severe depression seems to be abating. I wish Any one of my doctors would have talked to me about the link between estrogen and depression. I believe my depression started when I went into perimenopause. And please don't think "oh i dont want to take hormones- if this is hormonal I'll just wait it out". I am feeling better now, but will never be the same. Almost killed myself twice. Marriage wrecked. Even today I feel like that thing people have in their brain that makes them want to live- mine doesn't work anymore. So please don't wait if you see a chance to get well. The more time you spend sick, the less likely you will ever be yourself again.

[manuel_moe_g]

What terryb said, don't plumb the depths out of an irrational or egoistic avoidance of meds.

Please take care terryb, you don't deserve what happened to you, you deserve your own forgiveness for the past, we are all cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[marathonbar]

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I do have a doctor's appointment next week, so I'll talk to her about it. You're right... there's no need in suffering if there's something that can actually help the situation. TeriB, how old were you when you started seeing signs of perimenopause? I'm 41 and thought that was too early, but apparently not.