Need so much intense motivation to accomplish so little!

[dare i say it]

I have a lot of trouble going to the barbershop as well. I didn't realize it was an issue for other people. One time, I made it a positive experience and I felt victory for having done that. It took an all out effort to put myself in a frame of mind where I wasn't preoccupied with what other people were thinking of me. Unfortunately, the next time I went in I was in a different frame of mind and it was pretty uncomfortable again. Change is fucking hard. It sucks that certain things are much harder for me than for most other people, but I guess that's where I'm at right now. If I spend too much time ranting and railing about how unfair that is, it will--and often does--short-circuit my motivation. Thoughts like, "I shouldn't have to go through all of this" lead to what I've heard called a resentment cycle.

[manuel_moe_g]

Yeah, I hate having strangers touch me, and making small-talk is very stressful and terrifying for me - less so now that I am a "normal" married person, but I also have psoriasis, and I am ashamed of the usual questions. So I give myself a "buzz-cut" - and when I lose too much hair, I will go for bald shaven (I hope my psoriasis doesn't make that a nightmare )

Hah, going to the barber pushes all of my buttons, because waiting even a little bit makes me irritable.

It is funny, because my wife and daughter are distinterested in helping me shave the back of my neck, and I have to do it myself using a hand mirror and bending my arm behind my head - the back of my neck looks like I shave by weasels http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weasels_Ripped_My_Flesh

Thoughts like, "I shouldn't have to go through all of this" lead to what I've heard called a resentment cycle.

This has been a huge problem for me - I had to utterly destroy this feeling when I had my first breakdown, because it actually made me think it was "unfair" to have to work on my suicidal depression. Because it is linked strongly with suicide with me, I stomp out that kind of thinking immediately.

[dare i say it]

I stomp out that kind of thinking immediately.

Do you try to reframe or replace that thought with something else, for example, "this is difficult but this is what I need to do right now to build the kind of life that I want"? Or do you just ignore the "it shouldn't be this hard" thought and do things anyway? I find that the cognitive and the behavioral pieces go hand-in-hand. They feed off each other. If I nurture both of them, I get the best results.

So, enough talk out of me. Let's see if I can put this into practice...(it's already a battle)

[manuel_moe_g]

Do you try to reframe or replace that thought with something else, for example, "this is difficult but this is what I need to do right now to build the kind of life that I want"? Or do you just ignore the "it shouldn't be this hard" thought and do things anyway?

I do both, but most importantly I recognize that thought as just a few days away from suicide. I swat it away exactly like a would swat away a mosquito in malaria country - it is deadly, I have to put as much ground between it and myself, I have to charge forward to do that, to stay alive.

That was the #1 thought that I cognitively recognized as incompatible with me staying alive, and so I had to deal with it with extreme prejudice.

My skin is crawling, I am horrified by how slowly I work, and how sleepy I am. I will do my hardest, I WILL FAIL, but stretching and working slightly past my comfort zone is its own reward. I will tell myself not to give in with the feeling of overwhelm.

Overwhelm is another deadly thing, for me.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wow, was thinking about how much I have been able to overcome:

[1] obsessing over thoughts,

[2] imagining whole arguments with people in my head

[3] "going down the rabbit hole" with a rapid-fire chain of negative thoughts, one leading downwards to the next

I have so many ways of dealing with this now:

[1] just imagine the worst possible thing that could happen, and making peace with that outcome

[2] if a voice in my head is only for harming me, I ridicule it and shut it down immediately

[3] if a voice in my head is a primal fear, I acknowledge it and accept it and hold it the same way I would hold a crying child, and I guide that voice by the hand out of the wilderness like a loving parent

[4] medication

[5] small doses of meditation when get frazzled

[6] read a lot of problem solving techniques, mainly to break problems down into things that are [a] do-able can be done right now

[justdom]

Hi Manuel,
I was just reading this thread, and from where you've started-absolutely, you've come really far. Keep up the good work. It's good to hear about others making positive steps!

[manuel_moe_g]

Deep inside me is a sweetness and a caring, and deep inside me is rage and hatred and cruelty.

I am very judgmental, very quick to decide if I like or hate a person. Also, I am moody, my feelings change very quickly.

Thinking about it because I go off in a rage in business conversation situations - I act unstable.

I wish in life you could talk openly to all people - talk openly and really break down all situations. But that is ridiculous - there is no time for that and there is no appetite for that.

So I walk into situations with my heart on my sleeve, and if that is not accepted then I fly into a rage and escalate the situation drastically. Weird, to jump from vulnerable to rageful and cruel, and to jump on a dime.

Better for me to pause pause and pause again before speaking or even changing my expression, even if it makes me look like a dummy.

Bleh. How quickly I get irritated and frustrated is no help either.

Hah, good description of what is in my chest - a bleeding heart and a raw, raw nerve - the bleeding heart comes out first, but if there is a conflict between the bleeding heart and the raw nerve, the raw nerve always wins.

[MissingHiker]

Manuel you have made outstanding progress! I just read this whole thread and props to you!

I love your coping mechanisms. Can I throw in one that a really great therapist gave me? We are all Fallible Human Beings. Every single one of us. We'll let people down. Others will let us down. Nothing we can do about it, because that's part of what being a human being is.

We all fuck up. That's the blunt tool I use when I start being hard on myself, as I was programmed to do long ago, and am now trying to unprogram, and get unstuck.I am just a human being, and I can only operate on what a human being knows right now at this moment in time.

God Bless You, and God Bless Paul for offering up the podcast and this forum.

[manuel_moe_g]

I posted this elsewhere in the board, but it is a really good summary of my challenges right now:

My brain is "all or nothing" so I have a hard time with the space between "forgiving myself and respecting myself" and "coddling myself and indulging myself in actions that are self-harmful in the long-run". So I have to practice being in the space where I managing putting myself slightly outside my comfort zone so I can grow in capabilities that will help me in the future. I am not very good at it - I bounce between hating myself and totally indulging myself with distractions and time-wasters and tempting activities that will harm me in the long run.

What happens to me is in moments of un-awareness I make mistakes. I forgive myself, because I need all the energy I can muster to work to improve, and I cannot waste any energy on self-hatred or using regret as an excuse for living-in-the-past.

This are my current challenges: I am introverted, I am on the autism-asperger's-spectrum, I prefer to be left alone, for interaction to be "worth it" it has to have significant intellectual and emotional-honesty content or else it just doesn't seem worth it to me to communicate, initially in interaction I wear my heart on my sleeve and am very open when I begin communication, but if that is not reciprocated, very quickly I get very "punchy" and I lash out, and since I grew up with an alcoholic father, I am familiar with emotionally intense situations, so I escalate situations to the horror of the people around, and then I feel guilty afterward and I also feel self-justified afterward, a mixture of both.

It is hard because everything I worked for can be lost in an instant of rage, which is a downer, because I just have to take my eye off the ball for a little bit, or I just have to be caught off guard.

Grr, people at work are worried because I am so "punchy", and I can be so cruel and sharp in communication, and when I think I have the moral high ground, I am merciless to those I think are committing a violation.

Real downer, because my rage can manifest instantly.

[manuel_moe_g]

Made appointment with specialist in depression and anxiety. Feel good about that.