Pretty on the outside; Broken mess on the inside?

[Aerin McG]

Please tell me if any of this resonates with you? I'd feel less lonely.

I am a good-looking young woman, I've been told. I've been told that I'm absolutely hilarious, and I really love people. But...it's so weird when I disappear for a few days without a single word. And, oh wow, I've gotten into such great shape! "omg you never eat, you have such amazing will-power!", "That guy you're dating is so gorgeous!!! I'm jealous!". And I'm charming as all hell. I'm a hoot and a half, I must say.

Here's the deal:

When I disappear, it's because I'm exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. I can not be friendly to another human being, I can't be happy, I can't care, I can't be funny. Because it's all an act. It's a mask.

I'm aware that everyone puts on a mask to face the world. But I feel that while my mask is an attractive one, my real self is a total monster. I actually call myself a monster every day. I'm very realistic about the fact that the world is shallow. So when I get myself together, I know that I'll look appealing and people won't care what's behind the mask. I've cultivated a mask so deep, that it takes years for anyone to see past it to the monster that's underneath. Honestly, I don't even think my therapist ever saw the real me. I was too afraid I'd be diagnosed as a sociopath.

Underneath, I'm cripplingly depressed. I hate my very essence, and I hate everyone else even more. I make them laugh, and they love me! They have no clue that I'm disgusted by 90% of them (maybe more). Oh, and my amazing weight-loss willpower? Bulimia, possible anorexia, and more self-hatred! But they don't see that. They just see the attractive woman. They don't know that I starve myself to feel something.

***as of right now, I've gotten so fat from my depression and not purging after bingeing, I refuse to go out. I've locked myself in my house until I've lost this 50 pounds. I purge maybe once every other week. Instead, I've graduated to barely eating at all.

The guy that I date who is so handsome and great? He's probably married with kids, but I won't find that out until months later. The guys I date usually treat me like crap. But I get off on the abuse and neglect and the pain, because it's all I know. We look so good together! And it doesn't matter to me, because I hate them anyway. I've never been hit by one of them, but if it happened, it wouldn't bother me. I've done worse things to myself.

past trauma:

Lived with a perverted step-father to whom my mother turned a blind eye (4-18 years old). Molested by my foster brother (4 years old). Molested by a group of teenage girls in a public bathroom (6 years old). Attacked by a date (19 years old). Held hostage at gunpoint by 3 men in my house while bastard stepfather bled in a corner (22 years old). Raped by a date 4 months later...I was taken advantage of at almost every formative time in my development as a human being. I honestly don't think I'll ever be right. Ever.

Does anyone else feel this way? Was it caused by trauma or something else? Man or woman, it doesn't matter. I just want to know if SOMEONE feels the same.

[Mokey]

My feelings are a little different, but I DEFINITELY get the "feeling like a monster on the inside".

I'm fun and nice and cute on the outside, but I can hear all the fucked thoughts going on INSIDE my brain. And the exhaustion thing? OH MAN do I ever get that. Sometimes I feel like more then anything I just need a vacation from everyone

[Aerin McG]

Not a lot of people (at least in my life) can understand the mental vacation thing. The shortest amount of time I've needed away from people is a couple days. The longest was 8 months. It's a performance when you leave the house everyday, and even actors need a day off. People who really know me are shocked at how different I am when they really get to know me. I'm VERY quiet and fiercely private. I can be alone for very long stretches of time, and I'm rarely bored while alone. It's only recently, now that I'm on the tail-end of my 20s, that I feel lonely. It's scary.

[next year]

I often have such negative thoughts about people and their motives that I think people who know me would be shocked if I ever said them out loud.

On the outside I'm a friendly person, try to stay away from the office politics, parental drama (meaning the helicopter parents who obsess over every aspect of their kids' life), etc. People see me as very easy going. But I find myself thinking really horrible judgmental things about people based on superficial things - what they're wearing, what car they drive, what school their kid goes to, what they do for a living, etc.

I hope that you are able to talk to a professional about what goes on with you. You have had so much trauma in your life that your need to be alone is very understandable. Actually I don't see that as necessarily a bad thing. I don't understand people who have to be around others 24/7. Before I was married and had kids I could easily spend a weekend without seeing anyone and be perfectly happy. Still can if my husband goes out of town with the kids.

The eating issues and past trauma are causing you distress and I hope you can find some peace in your life. You have lots of reasons to be angry with the way you have been treated and depression is anger turned inward.

[BecomingKind]

(I'm not a therapist. Read further at your own peril.)

I can not be friendly to another human being, I can't be happy, I can't care, I can't be funny. Because it's all an act. It's a mask.

That puts you on par with 95% of humanity. With the mask up, you are probably not as funny as you think you are. The only girls I've met who are funny are open about their insecurities. You might feel good, but that's your brain forcing the joy-chemicals out at a higher rate, likely depleting some buffer or disturbing the metabolical systems. Not eating right makes it worse. That's why you need time to replenish. (I'm not a physician, but I think this is what they'd say.)

The trick is this, which sounds impossible until you do it: change your beliefs. The brain doesn't know where you take it, it just comes along. Why is it that your brain sends out different chemicals depending on the company and setting? It is an involuntary response based on beliefs - in this case that you are only worthwhile when you are happy and among friends.

(This might not be a popular view among people who've become dependent on meds to regulate brain chemistry, and I'm not arguing that there isn't a case for meds, but this is a pretty strong argument too ...)

my real self is a total monster. I actually call myself a monster every day.

I challenge you then, what do you do that qualifies you as a monster? If "monster" is negative to you, repeating it to yourself will reinforce the belief.

I'm very realistic about the fact that the world is shallow.

It is not a fact that the world is shallow. There is depth everywhere, if one is open to seeing it.

I've cultivated a mask so deep, that it takes years for anyone to see past it to the monster that's underneath.

Other reasons no one has called you out 1) they don't care 2) they're too polite and it would be too awkward.

I hate my very essence, and I hate everyone else even more. I make them laugh, and they love me! They have no clue that I'm disgusted by 90% of them (maybe more).

What exactly is your essence? I think you're disgusted with them because they perpetuate your belief about self-worth, which is self-damaging, but what choice are you offering them?

I've gotten so fat from my depression and not purging after bingeing

What would be a healthy weight for you, according to doctors? Achieve it through eating and exercising. It is so easy, why not hate your self while doing sit-ups and jogging instead? Much more painful than "purging".

Eating, exercsising, resting, right are all natural side effects of heaving a healthy mind, but they are also prerequisites. That's why "fake it until you make it" really works.

[Aerin McG]

BecomingKind, I appreciate your taking the time to send an in-depth reply.
I really don't want to poo-poo on what you've written, however I do have to tell you that most of your reply is for a relatively healthy person. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone has a mask. And eating and exercising is "so easy"...when you're at least a little healthy in the head. Questions and answers for a sick person are very different. I know for a fact that most people like my mask more than the real me (which is why I don't call them friends. I do have a friend who knows 80%, and is uncomfortable with it and another who knows 100% and loves me anyway ).

I call myself a monster because of the voices I hear, telling me to hurt people, to hurt myself, and not really caring if anyone lived or died (unless it affected me directly). It's a defense mechanism brought on by years of sexual abuse and exploitation. If I don't care, and I don't trust, and I don't feel, then I don't get hurt.

And I don't consider myself insecure. To me, insecurity implies that one can turn a corner and "see the light" relatively easily. I know what I have and what I don't, as if it is fact. To me, it is a fact that I'm disgusting. It's a fact that I'm pretty. It's a fact that I'm ugly. It's a fact that I'm 300 pounds even though the scale lies and says I'm half of that weight, and my clothes get looser and looser everyday. There is no logic or rational thinking. In my brain, up is down and down is up. I can't fully articulate it to someone who doesn't experience it or understand it. People can tell me all day that I'm attractive. I have a voice in my head that is louder than theirs. On some days it's louder than my own voice. Those are the days that I stay in bed.

You remind me of a friend of mine who would say the exact same things you've written. And her next advice would be "I can't help you. Go see a doctor."
(To be fair, I sound like every other traumatized, bipolar woman with an e.d.; I'm aware that I'm far from unique)

Well, I'm unemployed, so I've applied for assistance and am currently wading my way through the red tape. I am aware that all of this is temporary. i either get better or I die. Presently, I don't care which outcome occurs, but eventually I hope that the nightmare will end and my self-love and love for others returns in full force.

[BecomingKind]

Poo-poo away. I don't understand eating disorders, at all. But I do understand some of the other stuff.

You think your body is disgusting because of what it dragged your soul through. Maybe that's why you want to hurt it. Maybe you hate it because people show it more appreciation than they do for you - and yet it is the reason you became so dark inside.

Maybe you think your soul (or whatever) is ugly and doesn't deserve better, but neither you or your body is to blame. You were just incredibly unlucky to have your experiences. Those are over now. Your body is not trying to hurt you, so stop trying to hurt it.

Disregarding the stuff about wanting to hurt other people, nothing you say qualifies you as a "monster". The most honest thing I can say now is that it sounds almost python-esque, but I fear coming off as patronising. Turning things into humour just disarms everything.

http://youtu.be/XcxKIJTb3Hg.

I might be completely off, but I can't worry about everything ...

*Submit*

[Aerin McG]

That clip made my day.
It's been a very awful week. I don't really believe in souls, but I do agree with you on some level. My psyche is just fucked up and broken right now, and I only feel anger or sadness, so I take it out on myself. I can't take it out on anyone else, because I'll go to jail.
I'm pretty sure my next course should be trying to find a way to forgive, because none of this is working for me.

[in_media_res]

I honestly don't think I'll ever be right. Ever.

You must be incredibly strong - even if, perhaps, it doesn't feel that way to you - to have survived such a tremendous amount of abuse in your life. I don't think you're any kind of a monster - just a person who has been forced to endure much degradation and abuse and who is in great pain. And who wouldn't be?

You mentioned something about foregiveness. From my own limited experience, I think it's essential for you, and would help you discover release and an end to your suffering. I would suggest reading some of the work of Jack Kornfield - he is a psychologist and former Buddhist monk, and I find what he has to teach very helpful. Just search on his name and foregiveness and you'll come to some videos and writings. I could also suggest some of his books that might be helpful to you.

He said this:
"“The knowledge of the past stays with us. To let go is to release the images and emotions, the grudges and fears, the clingings and disappointments of the past that bind our spirit.”

I believe our experiences do bind our spirit, and unless we find a way to release them, they hold us back and bring great suffering. I hope you'll find a way to release them, and find peace.

[BecomingKind]

Forgive yourself, above of all. Forgiving someone for sexual abuse is like forgiving a fire for burning down your house - it's pointless. The next step is to stop being angry.

I sometimes have flash day-dreams where I beat the crap out of someone. It comes when I feel powerless or threatened, and it's someone who deserves it. It's never mean, it's more like a super-hero revenge scene. It's not something I want to do, but I think it's an automatic brain mechanism that creates a sort of preparedness and removes the fear that I can't defend myself.

I also sometimes see the scared-child-version of people; the idiosyncracies in their body language, speech, eye-movements - you can tell they were etched in over the years as the person tried to wriggle out of the insecurity they felt in their bodies. That makes it easy to forgive, because I know that feeling and hate it. What people say and do is a tiny thing compared to the experience of "being them".

I hate that I sometimes sound like a psychopath. I'm afraid, if I became completely uncensored and unstifled, I'd be doing Christian Bale rants at bypassers. I long to be free like that, but I can't when I have the frustration and bitterness in me. That feeling of being cheated out of a life with love and joy. Fun is easy, happiness is something different.

It's been a very awful week.

Next week will be better.