Awkward

[dare i say it]

Justdom, there is so much in your post that really speaks to me. Actually, all of it does. I've found one piece of the puzzle that seems to be helping me quite a bit. If it's useful to other people, great. If not, that's fine too. It goes like this: the way other people treat me says a lot about them and little or nothing about me. If someone is rude or cruel to me, maybe they had a rough day, or a rough life, or they're angry at themselves and redirecting it at others around them. So it's not about me. I'm not excusing people who mistreat others, but I am accepting that it's almost entirely out of my control. As an adult, I can choose who I want to surround myself with. Along with that choice, I can choose to not take things personally because it's really not about me.

It's extremely liberating when I'm able to frame things that way. It gives me a sense of power over my life. With the old method, interacting with people was like walking blindfolded through a minefield. When I remember that other people's reactions aren't really about me, life is soooo much more manageable. Not easy, but at least manageable.

[justdom]

I restarted my therapy a couple weeks ago with the same counselor. At the same time, I started a mindfulness based cognitive therapy course which I had be wait-listed on for a while. I had wondered if the two would contradict each other, but I found that learning to be in my body and breathing has helped open up my own 'Pandora's Box'. The problem is that sometimes it's just overwhelming, and there's a tendency for mind to try and find a solution so I can stop being in pain, which I know doesn't work. I'm not even sure what IT is, but I find myself experiencing events I didn't know I remembered-and the pain and anger along with them. So far I've become aware that:

-I feel I don't have any self-worth, that I'm unwanted, or as my therapist said, 'invisible' On top of that, there's part of me that hates the fact I feel this way, that it's pathetic and weak, so I try to 'add value' being being smart, or knowledgeable, or doing something that makes me have currency. Unfortunately, that's only temporary, which is why all my relationships tend to be transaction-based

-My childhood sucked a lot more than I had realised- the bullies I had were my parents and my grandmother at home. So home was not a place I felt love, and I spent a lot of time trying not to be there( trying to run away, spending inordinate amounts of time at school, trying to get invited to other kids' houses, etc.)

-My father, who was domineering, felt that I should be a good representative of my family. So in school growing up, it wasn't enough to have good grades, I had to have the best grads. But even then my straight A's were never recognised-there were many times my mom would have to beg him to look at my report card, and even then what I heard was that I should do more. Which goes a little into explaining how I'm never content with what I do, and I feel I should do more. In addition, I was supposed to set an example 'for the other children' so I was in this place where I became to old for my peers, but too young to hang out with the adults. So I constantly find myself in this twilight area of feeling like I don't belong anywhere

-When I spoke to other adults about how I felt (my pastor, teacher, family friends, etc), they couldn't reconcile the parents I had with the ones I experienced. So I was never heard, how I felt was never validated. So I felt powerless to do anything about my situation, and I took to reading a lot and fantasising as escape modes.

This is just some of the things I'm beginning to process. What makes it difficult is trying to process that trauma in the past, but being aware of when the emotional triggers are being hit in the present, and understand that how I feel isn't because of the present situation, but in part of what's come before. I'm grateful for being able to start working on myself now, but sometimes the pain of the past leaves me wanting to stay in bed.

[manuel_moe_g]

But even then my straight A's were never recognised-there were many times my mom would have to beg him to look at my report card
[...]
When I spoke to other adults about how I felt (my pastor, teacher, family friends, etc), they couldn't reconcile the parents I had with the ones I experienced. So I was never heard, how I felt was never validated.

You deserved better, justdom, so reading this makes me mad. It left you with no sense of self-worth, which is contradicted by your clear, insightful writing on this message board over many posts. There is objective evidence of considerable worth as an intelligent compassionate human being.

Great to see you here in the forum, please take care, best of luck with the restarted therapy (I am beginning therapy myself after a long break), we here are all cheering for your very best today and tomorrow!