I am becoming a sociopath?

[BecomingKind]

Male, late twenties. Life is deviating from plan, in similar ways people have described. I'm optimistic, maybe unrealistically so.

I'm not depressed. In my early twenties I used to feel sad and lonely, to the point of nearly crying, but I'm well over it. I rarely get strong feelings of either happiness or sadness. No medication.

My issues are with intimacy and kindness. I haven't had a girlfriend since my teens. I'm not a "womanizer". I pend between idealising girls and being disgusted. All this is probably rooted in my relationship with my mother, who is likely some form of bipolar, and was mentally abusive (as I've realised). I was partly raised by my grandmother, faultless in my eyes.

As I've learned to see the patterns, and articulate these things, I've also learned to see other people as patchworks of fantasies they hope the world will believe in. As I become more honest with myself, it becomes more clear how dishonest others are, and this slowly feeds my calibration of what is appropriate to think. I censor myself, to the point of being overly polite, but I think it is mostly based in fear of rejection, which I am slowly losing. It is mostly awkwardness, not empathy, that prevents me from telling someone they're fat because they are lazy, or that I can see in your eyes that you have doubts about your true worth, and so on.

I have a strong capacity for empathy, but it is predicated on whether the "story" is honest. Most of my suffering in adolescence, I'm starting to see, was because I bought into other peoples ideas about who I should be, and who they were. Now you want me buy your fantasy about whatever? F* you. I know more about you than yourself.

I want to be kind, to have deep connections, to feel empathy, but I'm growing less and less curious about people.

Maybe this is not the right place, but it felt good to write. I hope to learn alot, and offer encouragement when I can.

(In case you think I sound retarded, english is not my first language.)

[algernon]

Hey Becomingkind!!

Welcome to the forum.

I'm word-shot from my tirade posted moments ago, but I'm going to tell you what I did that you might consider.

Around 1990 when my marriage ended and I was living alone uncertain about everything, sitting in the bar far too much with Christmas coming up, I got an idea. I went to the local hospital and asked to volunteer on Christmas day. They were glad to accept my offer and for the next 4 years at my own schedule I was a volunteer in that hospital.

Hope to see you write more in here!

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello, Becomingkind! Welcome to the forum!

I've also learned to see other people as patchworks of fantasies they hope the world will believe in. As I become more honest with myself, it becomes more clear how dishonest others are, and this slowly feeds my calibration of what is appropriate to think.

Yeah, I myself am very judgmental and prone to snap judgments and some people can immediately push my buttons. When I feel too judgmental, I imagine that the person I am considering, if they are not the kind of person I could connect with, I imagine they are the relative or friend of someone I could connect with, so instead of zero degrees of separation, there would be just 1 degree of separation.

Also, reading the biographies of people you greatly admire and strive to be more like, also good.

And seeking people out with spiritual qualities that you wish to develop in yourself.

I think it is too phony to "try and see the good in everyone", but the tasks above are helpful for me.

Just my personal observation, please take care, all the best, we here are all cheering for your very best today and tomorrow!

[BecomingKind]

Thanks for the replies. Good advice. Things I need to think more seriously about.

[Murphy]

Firstly, your English is really good. I wouldn't have known if you didn't say anything.

I too am struggling with an ever increasing dislike for people around me. I try to think a few things. One is that you don't have to like everyone. People will do asshole/dishonest things, and other people will be totally awesome. Cling to those you like and don't worry about anyone else. Just ignore them and let them be stupid.

Another option is to look at things from their perspective. As people, we are quick to rush to global judgments about people. "Oh, that guy's talking on his cell phone when ordering coffee and holding up the line. Obviously he's an inconsiderate jerk." When really, it could be that some huge work or personal problem has come up and it needs to be taken care of right now, and the coffee is fuel for the rest of the long day. People will have annoying aspects, but that's not their entire personality.

I had a moment like that yesterday. One of my fiance's friends is increasingly pissing me off by being overly negative, particularly about work issues. I told my fiance this last night and he pointed out that this friend often avoids social situations (not because he has anxiety, but because he doesn't feel like it. I feel bad for his fiancee who frequently goes to parties without him) so our weekly group dinner is probably the only outlet that he has to complain about work. I hadn't thought of it that way, and while I still find the dude annoying, I think I will be able to look at his behavior more in context after thinking about it that way.

[BecomingKind]

Thanks, Murphy.

I'm angelic when I make a performance of it.

My inner monologue is like fire and brimstone. Not in an angry way, just bitter.

[BecomingKind]

Actually it probably isn't so bad. I can't really tell.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Becomingkind,

Your English is awesome! Better than 90 percent of Americans. Welcome to the forum, and thanks for opening up. Compassion looks nice on paper, but sometimes it is so hard to muster it when we're in a bad place emotionally. I think the important thing is that you are conscious of it and are trying. Open-mindedness and willingness are super important in my opinion.

Paul

[Zed]

You cannot just become a Sociopath.

That is like becoming black, or becoming a giraffe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hon3AzMO6vs

[ghughes1980]

I have to agree with Zed on this, you just can't become sociopathic.