How to get people to give a shit about me

[MissingHiker]

I think I get it... So, being in an environment where there is a false world view, say, everyone believes something you know isn't right, could create depression by creating a contradiction the brain keeps trying to reconcile but can't?

I had an experience exactly like this, and my mind became consumed with reconciling my beliefs with my surroundings. I didn't understand at the time but looking back on that, that seems like what my mind was trying to do. I'm really intrigued by this BK and I want to make sure I'm getting it.

You are right, btw, about trauma impacting socialization... mine was at age 5 and it was at that point, I believe, that everything lost its meaning. It's a long story, and I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but most of life is meaningless to me, and so when people engage me in conversation, I try to listen and be kind and, yes, you are right! I want to experience what a human would experience but I just don't feel anything, so I fake it. And, it becomes mentally fatiguing to fake it, exactly as you said. It isn't natural for me to do or know what to do. I had never thought about that like that before.

I only care about one thing, that is not being a burden to people while I'm here. So, I have to stay employed. Outside of that, sports, entertainment, books, etc, I just don't care for most of it. It doesn't matter.

What I'm doing next in my personal relationships, which are all with people in my industry so they're generally work-oriented, is I'm going to lie low. Poor TeeZee back there said he always feels like he's instigating everything in his relationships and after thinking about it I think I do too! So, I'm just going to sit here and not contact any of my friends (if they indeed are that, I'm sorry that was melodramatic! But, it's been another 12 hour day at work and I am tired...) and see how long it takes for them to contact me, if they ever do.

I am finally, slowly, making peace with the fact that I am an anxious, intense, awkward person, even though I don't mean to be. If people don't like me, I can finally say, that's OK. I do good work at my job, and if the best possible outcome for my life is to have a job, earn an average living, and not much more, well, I could be a lot worse off. Not everybody gets to have everything. I wish that I could have meaningful relationships, but I understand and accept my role in life. Where I start to become mentally fatigued is if I burn energy regretting and fighting my role in life and wanting to change it.

[manuel_moe_g]

Where I start to become mentally fatigued is if I burn energy regretting and fighting my role in life and wanting to change it.

Maybe I am reading this wrong, but this seems to me to be dangerously close to giving up short of a reasonable do-able goal of a better life.

My brain is "all or nothing" so I have a hard time with the space between "forgiving myself and respecting myself" and "coddling myself and indulging myself in actions that are self-harmful in the long-run". So I have to practice being in the space where I managing putting myself slightly outside my comfort zone so I can grow in capabilities that will help me in the future. I am not very good at it - I bounce between hating myself and totally indulging myself with distractions and time-wasters and tempting activities that will harm me in the long run.

What happens to me is in moments of un-awareness I make mistakes. I forgive myself, because I need all the energy I can muster to work to improve, and I cannot waste any energy on self-hatred or using regret as an excuse for living-in-the-past.

This are my current challenges: I am introverted, I am on the autism-asperger's-spectrum, I prefer to be left alone, for interaction to be "worth it" it has to have significant intellectual and emotional-honesty content or else it just doesn't seem worth it to me to communicate, initially in interaction I wear my heart on my sleeve and am very open when I begin communication, but if that is not reciprocated, very quickly I get very "punchy" and I lash out, and since I grew up with an alcoholic father, I am familiar with emotionally intense situations, so I escalate situations to the horror of the people around, and then I feel guilty afterward and I also feel self-justified afterward, a mixture of both.

It is hard because everything I worked for can be lost in an instant of rage, which is a downer, because I just have to take my eye off the ball for a little bit, or I just have to be caught off guard.

[BecomingKind]

I don't know, I just think.

So, being in an environment where there is a false world view, say, everyone believes something you know isn't right

The environment is what it is - but your beliefs about it may not be supported by your experiences. The brain then rewires itself or invents new beliefs. What other people believe doesn't matter.

Your beliefs arose because you needed to make sense of an experience, or needed a motivation for something, like "other people are mean, therefore I must not expose vulnerabilities" - or something like that. Another typical belief is "other people will shun/hate/kill me if they knew the truth about me." It may be true in some cases, but still, it should be treated as a caution and not as a model for "all human beings" because then you have already decided that all the world is hostile and you are alone. Like all beliefs, the brain then fights to keep them, because rewiring is painful.

only care about one thing, that is not being a burden to people while I'm here

That's not necessarily a bad attitude - maybe that is how you come to re-experience the world in a kinder way.

Being helpful or meaningful to other people is a thing I'm trying to figure out.

I wish that I could have meaningful relationships, but I understand and accept my role in life.

This is an example of a belief that you have invented.

Human instincts are mostly fixed and we all have the same basic instincts. They are to interact with people, to create bonds and relationships. Your body will keep insisting that you pursue this regardless of your beliefs and if you suppress your instincts long enough you will eventually crash in some way.

[BecomingKind]

I prefer to be left alone, for interaction to be "worth it" it has to have significant intellectual and emotional-honesty content or else it just doesn't seem worth it to me to communicate

This doesn't make sense. "Emotional honesty", depending on what you mean, is intense. It shouldn't seem like something easy.

If I would experience something similar, it would probably be because I felt the need to begin an interaction with a sort of excuse or explanation for why I might seem strange. But I don't do that. You can't present yourself as something that needs to be excused, that's unbearable to anyone.

I have sort of decided never to make excuses for myself. I might say stupid things that might be misunderstood but I always have good intentions, and that's what warrants my participation in things.

[TeeZee]

Thanks for the posts. Not really following the last few, but the stuff on neutral really resonates.

Well i then got this great therapist who introduced me to "neutral" a few years ago. Really most things are neutral. Most people are actually just neutral. They dont deserve any further thought or analysis, they are just there. And thats ok. To most others, i am neutral. They find me neither good nor bad and thats ok.

Neutral is also liberating because it requires no action. Good and bad things need fixing or commendation or some kind of attention or energy in some way and we humans just dont have that much to expend.

I agree that I am probably neutral to people whom I'm trying to befriend- their lack of care is not mean-spirited, they just have other things filling their time and thoughts. Learning to feel neutral about these things is probably worth working on for me. I find myself lacking creativity in how I live due to strong feelings of loneliness and abandonment. I get thrown into anxiety when I am around socially successful people, as it triggers self pity and jealousy.There is a piece of me that says I can't be happy until I get a bunch of close and supportive friends. I'm 44 now, so not sure I should wait much longer to create a better life for myself (though the one I have is pretty good: work for a world class hospital, am well-traveled and a successful athlete with good physical health).

Thanks again to all who posted.

[MissingHiker]

I agree that I am probably neutral to people whom I'm trying to befriend- their lack of care is not mean-spirited, they just have other things filling their time and thoughts.

This is SO healthy!!

As far as what I said earlier about accepting my role in life, I would say it is less about giving up and more just about me just accepting who I am, and building on my strengths, and learning how to be myself. I can't know that until I get to know myself, and accept everything I find there. Not all of us are meant to be able to do everything. We can all evolve, but we all also have limitations, and we have to know ourselves before we can know where and how we can evolve.

Garry Shandling was talking about, and this is someplace on youtube, how the world will never solve its problems until the leaders of the world stop fronting, and put ego aside, and become their true selves. I can't believe I actually found this but I did:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Li4M4oMMpo

"All my journey is is to be authentically who I am, not be somebody else, under all circumstances... the whole world is confused because they're trying to be somebody else. To be your true self takes enormous work. Then we can start to look at the problems of the world, but instead, ego drives it, ego drives the world, ego drives the problems. So, you have to work in an egoless way. This egolessness, which is the key to being authentic, is a battle. And it is a battle that has to be won before we can worry about the economy."

[50msns]

I have struggled with this for years and finally, recently just gave up. It seems like i have always tried to be there for people, help if they needed it but when i need help, i'm on my own. I have come to believe that some people are meant to be alone and i am one of them.

[manuel_moe_g]

I wish I had a hopeful reply, 50msns, but I know the feeling. I disposed with a lot of friends when I had my breakdown, and the same as I made more progress. I still sometimes have bitterness and resentment for my parents about how ineffectual they were to help their son.

But I also think about how hard it is for me to help another, because of my own limitations. There is a real distance between individual people - people can be in the same room but be a million miles apart.

I am starting up looking for a professional therapist again, after a long time just working on my own from self-help books.

Please take care, 50msns. We here are all cheering for your very best today and tomorrow. I wish I had more to offer you - you deserve better.

[50msns]

Thank you manuel_moe_g, I appreciate your kind words. But I am at peace with it now. Now that i have accepted it, quit struggling, I feel like a weight has been lifted.

[MissingHiker]

Hey 50msns... I am in that boat, too. And I, too, have found it better to just accept the fact that people do not pursue me or express interest in having me in their life, instead of resent it, analyze it, or try to enhance my appeal.

I have found that trying doesn't work, and listening to the people who say, "You'll meet people when you're not even trying!" doesn't work either, when I don't try, I don't meet.

And, people never pursue me. They forget me. I am very forgettable for some reason.

So, I, too, have just decided to accept, and I've turned my energies inward to try to make my downtime something I can better cope with, so that when I am alone with my thoughts, I'm not focusing on my inadequacies, but instead working on being at peace and accepting my place in the universe. It's progressing slowly.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I am willing to bet that you are a good person. Life isn't logical, and people aren't logical, and sometimes good people just fall through the cracks in this chaotic life.