Hi All

[Ryansings]

Hiya Everyone

I'm living in Ireland, and have been listening to the Podcast (and back episodes) now for about 2 months. I just wanted to thank Paul and the programme makers for really helpful insights. I've never listened to this kind of thing before, and it's only over the last two months or so I've really started to reflect on my mental/emotional/spiritual health and experiences, and the ripples they continue to have on my everyday life and relationships. The notion that there are others out there that feel as worthless as I do is, in some strange way, quite comforting.

Thanks guys

Ryan

[Rosie]

Hi Ryan

Hello from just across the water! I hope you get as much out of the forum as you do out of listening to the podcast. Welcome, you are definately now not alone, as you said it is good to know we're in this together. Be kind to yourself, Rosie

[Ryansings]

Thanks Rosie

I'm actually originally from Wales myself and have been living over here for 9 years or so. As you might have guessed from my hastily created username (of which I'm already embarassed), I'm a singer (have been for about 4 years now). Was always my dream to be a musician, and I'm very fortunate to be in a position where I can do that and could make the switch. Unfortunately, I seem to have had ultra-critical parents who, whilst financially supportive, couldn't be emotionally so. Now I'm in the fix that often when I'm singing a piece of music I'll start to feel very anxious and concerned that I'm not going to hit that high note/communicate this right/people aren't going to like this/I'm not as good as I should be/definitely not going to be succesful at this... you get the picture. And this races through my mind at the speed of light before the truth can get its boots on. No matter what I do to rationalise what's going on in my head (and it rarely shows on my face), I'm nevertheless left with this impending sense of doom. It's a bugger. I've slowly come to the realisation (thanks in no small part to the podcast) that this is indicative of a wider bundle of issues I have over self-worth/not being good enough/etc. I look back on everything I have ever achieved and feel like it's worthless, or not as good as it could have been, or not as good as others. I'm sick of feeling this way, so I've decided to try and pro-actively explore ways of getting better. I feel like I've been labouring under a heavy weight of self-doubt and self-inflicted critcism for most of my life, and I'm finally resolved to doing something about it.

Started seeing a counsellor for the first time this week. It didn't go terribly well! I felt she was minimising my concerns, and dismissed the problems I had described out of hand. She said things like "Oh, you weren't referred here by a doctor, most of my patients are", and "Most of the patients I deal with are in the throes of some crisis". This made me feel like I was a fraud and wasting her time. Then, after I had described as best I could the kinds of negative thoughts running round my cranium, she asked me something along the lines of "So, why are you here?". I thought back at this point to the kinds of things that had been talked about on the podcast and straight out said to her "Look, please don't take this the wrong way but I feel like what you are really asking me to do is justify why I'm sitting here in front of you. I feel like you are dismissing or minimising my concerns all through this conversation". She was a bit taken aback by this and after a moment I had a realisation...."But I suppose the things you have said to me are probably perfectly innocent queries or comments and I'm taking them the wrong way". To which she said "You're very sensitive to criticism and other people's opinions". WOW! Do you know what, I hadn't even thought of it like that before.......... I could only agree. The judgment of others is a sod isn't it?

So I'm in two minds about whether I should go back.........

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Ryansings, welcome to the forum!

I agree with you, the counsellor sounds like a bad fit for you, and frankly she sounds like a bad fit for anyone!

Please take care, all the best, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[Rosie]

Hi my fellow celt

That therapist sounds unprofessional and should never point out what she perceives as your flaws, you know deep down her comments were ignorant and out of order. I hope you can find someone who will listen and help you come to your own conclusions instead of putting their judgements on you. It must be difficult for you to be critisized by your parents, it was mentioned on the podcast once about feeling safe with people. I intepreted that as you can feel safe with people who don't judge you and with who you can be yourself. I don't feel safe with my father because he likes to make me feel small but I realise now it's his inadequacies not mine. I don't know how we can change our parents or make them realise how what they say hurts us. You know your parents, do you think is it possible they would listen to how you feel about their critisism? I wouldn't presume to advise you to tackle it without careful thought and may be a decent therapist to get you to a better place though. I told my father he was out of order, he said 'well that's the dad you've got' charming eh!

I hope you get through this and come out stronger with belief in yourself and your music, maybe one day soon I'll get to hear you, big hugs, Rosie

[Ryansings]

Thanks guys. Really appreciate your kind comments.

I think I'll stick it out with the counsellor for a few sessions at least. I've never been through this kind of process before, and I should probably give her a fair shake. Also, if I'm being fair I'm not certain how much is my own subjective negative interpretation of our interaction as opposed to the reality. Or I could have caught her on a bad day.... who knows?

Rosie, I'd say it's almost impossible for me to talk to my parents about their attitudes. I should have made clear in my introduction that I'm a 36 yr old with two young children of my own. I'm only mentioning this because I want to make clear that I'm no longer living with my parents and don't depend on them for anything anymore. We come from a pretty run-down, poor background in South Wales, and on one level they performed miracles providing so well for me and my siblings. I was able to go to university, etc, while they left school without any qualifications.....

However, it was all on their terms, really. And they find it very very difficult to show support, confidence and outward displays of love. They had no difficulty at all, though, in outwardly displaying anger, resentment, fury and disappointment. I remember once in my early twenties I came home from college and a massive row erupted where my sister left the house and jumped on a train to go God -know-where. We were all emotionally distraught and I remember saying to my mother at the time "You know we never say we love each other". her reply was "We've never been that kind of family". Both my parents would discipline me by hitting (which perhaps is not so unusual for people of my age) but my Dad in particular was a very angry man who could be very physical, intimidating and brutal at times. I remember him arguing with my mother, and sometimes coming down in the morning to see her face bruised or her mouth cut open. One time when I had left home he and my sister had an argument which resulted in him shoving her down the stairs and her going to hospital.

However, he seems to have had quite a personality change in the last ten years or so. He's far more mellow and reflective. He doesn't seem to bust anyone's balls, and only gets testy the same amount as everyone else in the world. In other words, he seems to have changed (I don't know if he sought professional help for this or not). Whilst I'm fairly distant from my parents now, I still talk to them once a week and they come visit occasionally and things are fine. So I don't want to rock the boat. And eveyone deserved a second chance (or a third, fourth, fifth).


However I need to process my experiences in some way which is why I went to the counsellor. I've been suffering with anxiety and confidence related issues for almost as long as I can remember. I've also been suffering with quite bad back and muscle pain for years. Been to chiropracters,masseuses, acupuncturists, you name it. My wife met a spiritual healer who she considered quite genuine, so I though "Why not?". She said that her first impressions of me were of someone who seemed fine and bubbly on the surface but who was carrying a very heavy weight around with them. After a long conversation, she recommended that I seek out a counsellor (she had been to see one herself a few years back) as I obviouslu have issues I needed to deal with. I then proceeded with the healing. The weirdest thing happened. During the healing I started to shake uncontrollably from my hand to my shoulder and all down my right side. By the end I was jerking uncontrollably for about twenty minutes. It was one of the most disturbing things -- like having a seizure or something. Now, I'm very open-minded, and I don't know what she did or channeled, but obviously a combination of our conversation and healing must have touched something deep in my subconcious for me to have that kind of reaction. She said she had only had that kind of reaction from people who had suffered severe physical injuries or trauma (which I haven't!). So I resolved to see a counsellor. I also told my wife about some of the more negative experiences in my childhood for the first time. She was appalled. I jsut thought they were sort of normal.

I'm sorry for the ramble (especially in an introduction!), but I suppose I've got a lot to get off my chest and I've only really started to properly engage with them over the last number of weeks.

Ryan

[Ryansings]

Just realised how self-obsessed all that was! Thanks Manuel and Rosie!

Ryan

ps. Rosie, I totally resonate with you regarding your father's fatalistic dismissal of your concerns. It's highly frustrating when you've worked up the courage to tackle someone about the negative effect they are having on you and they jsut respond "Tough! Get used to it". Well done to you for having the mettle to deal with this obviously thorny person who is nevertheless central to your life. It's great that you took a step to postively change the dynamic in your relationship. That he didn't respond is more a reflection on his poor emotional state than yours. Onwards and upwards!

Ryan

[Rosie]

Hi Ryan

Your childhood seems a little like mine, with not much to go around in terms of material things or affection! Do you think maybe it's a pride thing as in they have too much of it? On the other side of pride, you should be proud that you have created a new life with your family in a different country, doing something you love. I can understand how performing must take strength if you're not feeling too good about yourself, but you battle on. Us celts are fighters after all. Not only have you created a better life you are able unlike your parents to express your emotions in positive ways - such as compassion which you've shown to me. Being hard and tough just to get through life is such a waste, kindness, compassion and love are what really matter. If people like your parents and my father don't understand that they'll never truly know their children.

Take care, Rosie

[sandy]

Hi Ryan,
I'm having the same problem with my counselor. She only seems concerned if I'm going though a crisis, she doesn't seem interested in digging into and figuring out my long term problems.
You said about the uncontrollable shaking that you've never had trauma. If I saw evidence that my dad beat my mom, even once, I would have been traumatized. That must be a horrible thing to witness. Especially for a child. My mom is such a sweet and loving person the thought of someone striking her makes me sick. If I found out my dad was capable of doing that I would never feel the same love and respect I had for him again.
Good luck and take it easy on yourself, Sandy