Some days I just lie in bed and mope and other days I think to myself that there are literally millions of things to do in the world and if I don't feel like doing anything for myself I might as well be useful and do something for others. Spending time with children is especially nice because I feel like I'm trying to make a nicer world for them than the one I grew up in. Heck...sometimes if I think it is too late to get hooked up with some place to volunteer I ask my friends to loan me their kids for a trip to the movies. Granted I'm a 28 year old female....this idea may not fly for a guy but I took my friend's son to see Rio because I wanted to see it and I was tired of going places alone. We had a great time.
But yeah...some days you can allow yourself the time in bed...but if you have nothing left but your body, mind and time...give that to someone. Children and the elderly are woefully neglected in our society.
Good luck...sounds like you've been having a hell of a week (month? year?) but each day comes anew and truthfully we are all in this together so I am rooting for ya.
when you feel like you have nothing left
-
Lady
- Posts: 22
- Joined: April 26th, 2012, 4:38 am
- Location: Anywhere and everywhere I can afford to run to
Re: when you feel like you have nothing left
Some children dreamed of becoming firemen & mothers, I wanted to be a canine. Yay for unrealistic goals!
“Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.” -Guillaume Apollinaire
“Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.” -Guillaume Apollinaire
-
fifthsonata
- Posts: 291
- Joined: April 30th, 2012, 6:45 am
Re: when you feel like you have nothing left
Year I guess. I just don't have the energy for anything. Even doing my laundry is a mind-game. It's so exhausting.
Long story short - my thesis was approved late, and I couldn't accept the teaching jobs I was offered post-grad because their contracts began BEFORE the thesis got approved. I went to grad school in another state, so I thought - hey, my teaching certificate is still valid in my home state, I could move back, teach there for a year, and then go back for my PhD. Well, no job offers. I had been living on my savings for four months and it dried out, I had tried to even find retail jobs but shocker, my over-qualification prevented my hiring.
I moved back home (nothing boosts the pride like living with your mom at 26), found a job, and then coincidentally ran into an old high school friend. We both worked in the same city and wanted to move there (I had been commuting) and between the two of us we could afford a place that wasn't in the ghetto. Found a deceptively nice 4 bd house for $800, and signed the lease right away. Ended up dating. The house was a trap, too - the landlord hadn't touched it in one year and needs TONS of repair. Yeah, needs. He got started, but never finished, and even started a new project - putting in a sidewalk in the front yard. That was two months ago. Now we have an overgrown trench with tree roots EVERYWHERE>
Things ended badly with my roommate and he proved himself to be so irresponsible that I not only had to take care of HIS half, but mine as well. I tried to talk about it but he never would listen. I moved all my stuff in my room and barricade myself here, because he fills me with such insane RAGE that even being in his presence I'm scared I will unleash and beat him senseless. I have never experienced that type of rage before. NOW he's got a new f*ckbuddy and I get to hear that regularly (which meant he lied to me, but that's another story). Being responsible for myself is plenty, now I get to do it for a grown man. I refuse to even talk to him - I send him texts when he has to pay his half of the bills. I explained why I isolate myself from him, but he has made no effort to resolve this situation. I tried, and now I've given up.
I go from being a public school teacher, to a college teaching assistant (I got to teach rock & roll, which was amazing) and working at one of the most prominent music museums in the US....to f*cking working retail, living paycheck to paycheck, at a job that kills my soul, and then I come home to a horrible housemate and a vile house. Best of all, my bosses are insanely sexist so if I want something done I have to get my male coworkers to fight for me.
Teaching and making music are my first loves. I'm on 3rd shift and I have a part-time day job, so I can't open a private studio. I gave up on trying to get my landlord to resolve the maintenance issues - I'm going to use that as ammo if I magically get the money to afford a new place so I can get out of the lease with no legal recourse.
I'm literally stuck here until the lease is up. I'm working to apply to PhD programs, but the app fees are insanely high - so I use my grocery money for them.
So there it is. I feel trapped. I have no social support and no time to try and find new friends. Too scared to make friends, too. It feels incredibly self-indulgent and whiny to type all that out. I should be happy I can put a roof over my head and have a job, but I'm not. My brain isn't wired to be able to deal with the same old mind-numbing type of job - I mean everyone else deals with it, why can't I? I've been in my field for 7 years and now I'm suddenly displaced. Alone.
It's pathetic.
Long story short - my thesis was approved late, and I couldn't accept the teaching jobs I was offered post-grad because their contracts began BEFORE the thesis got approved. I went to grad school in another state, so I thought - hey, my teaching certificate is still valid in my home state, I could move back, teach there for a year, and then go back for my PhD. Well, no job offers. I had been living on my savings for four months and it dried out, I had tried to even find retail jobs but shocker, my over-qualification prevented my hiring.
I moved back home (nothing boosts the pride like living with your mom at 26), found a job, and then coincidentally ran into an old high school friend. We both worked in the same city and wanted to move there (I had been commuting) and between the two of us we could afford a place that wasn't in the ghetto. Found a deceptively nice 4 bd house for $800, and signed the lease right away. Ended up dating. The house was a trap, too - the landlord hadn't touched it in one year and needs TONS of repair. Yeah, needs. He got started, but never finished, and even started a new project - putting in a sidewalk in the front yard. That was two months ago. Now we have an overgrown trench with tree roots EVERYWHERE>
Things ended badly with my roommate and he proved himself to be so irresponsible that I not only had to take care of HIS half, but mine as well. I tried to talk about it but he never would listen. I moved all my stuff in my room and barricade myself here, because he fills me with such insane RAGE that even being in his presence I'm scared I will unleash and beat him senseless. I have never experienced that type of rage before. NOW he's got a new f*ckbuddy and I get to hear that regularly (which meant he lied to me, but that's another story). Being responsible for myself is plenty, now I get to do it for a grown man. I refuse to even talk to him - I send him texts when he has to pay his half of the bills. I explained why I isolate myself from him, but he has made no effort to resolve this situation. I tried, and now I've given up.
I go from being a public school teacher, to a college teaching assistant (I got to teach rock & roll, which was amazing) and working at one of the most prominent music museums in the US....to f*cking working retail, living paycheck to paycheck, at a job that kills my soul, and then I come home to a horrible housemate and a vile house. Best of all, my bosses are insanely sexist so if I want something done I have to get my male coworkers to fight for me.
Teaching and making music are my first loves. I'm on 3rd shift and I have a part-time day job, so I can't open a private studio. I gave up on trying to get my landlord to resolve the maintenance issues - I'm going to use that as ammo if I magically get the money to afford a new place so I can get out of the lease with no legal recourse.
I'm literally stuck here until the lease is up. I'm working to apply to PhD programs, but the app fees are insanely high - so I use my grocery money for them.
So there it is. I feel trapped. I have no social support and no time to try and find new friends. Too scared to make friends, too. It feels incredibly self-indulgent and whiny to type all that out. I should be happy I can put a roof over my head and have a job, but I'm not. My brain isn't wired to be able to deal with the same old mind-numbing type of job - I mean everyone else deals with it, why can't I? I've been in my field for 7 years and now I'm suddenly displaced. Alone.
It's pathetic.
-
Lady
- Posts: 22
- Joined: April 26th, 2012, 4:38 am
- Location: Anywhere and everywhere I can afford to run to
Re: when you feel like you have nothing left
Oh my god do I resonate with sooooooooooooooo much of this.
I need a PhD to teach in my chosen field but there are a ton of jobs in said field so when I was writing my thesis I applied for 7 PhD programs absolutely decimating the tiny savings I had at that point only to receive 7 very nicely written rejection letters. There it was...I couldn't go further in school. All those jobs in my field staring me in my face with a shortage of applicants and I didn't have the credentials required. Considering I wouldn't be going to school anymore and was having a hell of a time with my health physically/mentally I applied for disability hoping that maybe I could at least stay in my apartment while I finished my thesis and healed. I was given disability to the tune of $269 a month. i was living in the cheapest apartment you could get in town without being section 8 and my rent alone was $589 a month. So back in with my parents I went. I believe there is nooooooooooothing as soul crushing as going back to your parents place after having been away. I was supposed to be out for good at 18 but the tumor sent me back for a year but then I escaped again and when I was sent back, well let's just say a paper that I could have written in two weeks time, took me 3 years to complete.
Also the over-qualified bit drives me insane. I know my qualifications...I also know I need cash! I'm going back on the job market when I get home from my present trip and I am just dreading every part of it. I love working, I'm a hard worker but I'm not going to be able to be an assistant editor for an internationally broadcast tv show again. I've been out of the game for 6 years. All my work references have moved to other places. When I go for a job the only thing I will have besides life experiences is my masters degree in Cinema Studies from an art school.
When is your lease up and what is the penalty for breaking it? This might be one of those times that absolutely sucktastic as it may be you might be better off at home. But don't beat yourself up! Times are incredibly hard and you are doing the best you can in a huge set of soul deadening circumstances. Being out of your field alone would be more than enough justification for feeling so stuck! Hang in there!
I need a PhD to teach in my chosen field but there are a ton of jobs in said field so when I was writing my thesis I applied for 7 PhD programs absolutely decimating the tiny savings I had at that point only to receive 7 very nicely written rejection letters. There it was...I couldn't go further in school. All those jobs in my field staring me in my face with a shortage of applicants and I didn't have the credentials required. Considering I wouldn't be going to school anymore and was having a hell of a time with my health physically/mentally I applied for disability hoping that maybe I could at least stay in my apartment while I finished my thesis and healed. I was given disability to the tune of $269 a month. i was living in the cheapest apartment you could get in town without being section 8 and my rent alone was $589 a month. So back in with my parents I went. I believe there is nooooooooooothing as soul crushing as going back to your parents place after having been away. I was supposed to be out for good at 18 but the tumor sent me back for a year but then I escaped again and when I was sent back, well let's just say a paper that I could have written in two weeks time, took me 3 years to complete.
Also the over-qualified bit drives me insane. I know my qualifications...I also know I need cash! I'm going back on the job market when I get home from my present trip and I am just dreading every part of it. I love working, I'm a hard worker but I'm not going to be able to be an assistant editor for an internationally broadcast tv show again. I've been out of the game for 6 years. All my work references have moved to other places. When I go for a job the only thing I will have besides life experiences is my masters degree in Cinema Studies from an art school.
When is your lease up and what is the penalty for breaking it? This might be one of those times that absolutely sucktastic as it may be you might be better off at home. But don't beat yourself up! Times are incredibly hard and you are doing the best you can in a huge set of soul deadening circumstances. Being out of your field alone would be more than enough justification for feeling so stuck! Hang in there!
Some children dreamed of becoming firemen & mothers, I wanted to be a canine. Yay for unrealistic goals!
“Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.” -Guillaume Apollinaire
“Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.” -Guillaume Apollinaire
-
MissingHiker
- Posts: 24
- Joined: April 1st, 2012, 5:56 pm
Re: when you feel like you have nothing left
Oh my goodness, fifthsonata, that is an amazing story. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
People are so amazingly stupid. When someone like this friend from high school encounters someone he could team up with, to then turn on that person... that is just so needlessly destructive to him and to you. We all need teammates we can count on. Apparently not everyone sees that.
It's so hard to find rational people. And having toxic people around like this roommate is so energy draining. And, I think that someone like this would scare anyone off of the fact of making new friends, so I understand that. With friends like that, who needs enemies. I am so sorry.
Would you have any way of doing any tutoring? A lot of kids want to learn music, and it might be a way to make a little extra money? There are also online places like sonicacademy which sell music tutorials, but I don't know if they pay very well to the people who do the tutoring.
I think there are a lot of people in your situation, unfortunately, so you are not alone and you're doing such a great and healthy thing for yourself by reaching out instead of suffering in silence.
People are so amazingly stupid. When someone like this friend from high school encounters someone he could team up with, to then turn on that person... that is just so needlessly destructive to him and to you. We all need teammates we can count on. Apparently not everyone sees that.
It's so hard to find rational people. And having toxic people around like this roommate is so energy draining. And, I think that someone like this would scare anyone off of the fact of making new friends, so I understand that. With friends like that, who needs enemies. I am so sorry.
Would you have any way of doing any tutoring? A lot of kids want to learn music, and it might be a way to make a little extra money? There are also online places like sonicacademy which sell music tutorials, but I don't know if they pay very well to the people who do the tutoring.
I think there are a lot of people in your situation, unfortunately, so you are not alone and you're doing such a great and healthy thing for yourself by reaching out instead of suffering in silence.
-
fifthsonata
- Posts: 291
- Joined: April 30th, 2012, 6:45 am
Re: when you feel like you have nothing left
Thanks all.
I'm not really reaching out - just talking online. I have another mental illness community I frequent (more specialized than this one), but it's not the same as real-life, you know?
I do answer questions and provide free music advice/lessons to my other community and that is definitely helping me keep my musical knowledge from seeping out of my ears. Also been toying with the idea of trying to gather/direct a small "store ensemble" with my work since they seem to enjoy me playing during lunch hour.
I know there's no magical answer or solution but time. Fuck, though, time drags so much and living like this makes it so much worse.
I'm not really reaching out - just talking online. I have another mental illness community I frequent (more specialized than this one), but it's not the same as real-life, you know?
I do answer questions and provide free music advice/lessons to my other community and that is definitely helping me keep my musical knowledge from seeping out of my ears. Also been toying with the idea of trying to gather/direct a small "store ensemble" with my work since they seem to enjoy me playing during lunch hour.
I know there's no magical answer or solution but time. Fuck, though, time drags so much and living like this makes it so much worse.
-
fifthsonata
- Posts: 291
- Joined: April 30th, 2012, 6:45 am
Re: when you feel like you have nothing left
I feel so selfish and toxic. I don't intentionally try to drive people away - I never discuss my depression or any other mental illness; when I get the courage to let people in my life I am usually very happy and genuine. But, they always leave. Always. I don't understand it. After 26 years I now know it has to be me - I mean, what else could it be? How is it that after 26 years of life I have yet to find some person who accepts me for who I am?
I've held out faith that some divine intervention has taken me back here - broken me from my field, put up a roadblock. Instead, things just keep getting worse for me.....mentally, emotionally, physically, and in "the real world." I feel guilty for feeling this way, and I feel even guiltier for being such a burden to this world.
I also feel wretched that I'm too ashamed, too embarrassed, and to terrified to even try to get help. Reaching out for "help" has only made me feel worse....when a counselor gives you a guilt trip for your problems you know you have to be a horrible person.
I just can't do this anymore. What the hell would it matter anyway if I just....disappeared. Even that thought makes me feel like a selfish asshole.
I've held out faith that some divine intervention has taken me back here - broken me from my field, put up a roadblock. Instead, things just keep getting worse for me.....mentally, emotionally, physically, and in "the real world." I feel guilty for feeling this way, and I feel even guiltier for being such a burden to this world.
I also feel wretched that I'm too ashamed, too embarrassed, and to terrified to even try to get help. Reaching out for "help" has only made me feel worse....when a counselor gives you a guilt trip for your problems you know you have to be a horrible person.
I just can't do this anymore. What the hell would it matter anyway if I just....disappeared. Even that thought makes me feel like a selfish asshole.
-
fifthsonata
- Posts: 291
- Joined: April 30th, 2012, 6:45 am
Re: when you feel like you have nothing left
pardon my typo..."and TOO terrified...."
-
BecomingKind
- Posts: 47
- Joined: March 25th, 2012, 10:48 am
Re: when you feel like you have nothing left
Hey now. Typos are inexcusible. (Or whatever.)
People see when you are witholding a part of yourself, and they perceive you as being withdrawn or disinterested. That's how it works for me, and I've been on both sides. You probably have as well. It's not about acceptance, it's more about not knowing what sort of interest is appropriate or invited.
If you think you need to hide a part of yourself to be accepted, the mixed signals will confuse people.
You don't need to accept depression as if it was a permanent condition. You feel depressed sometimes, that's all. It really is. You're not toxic. You are not your feelings.
Here are my thoughts. You might have found them, but if you don't know who you are or accept yourself, what have they found?fifthsonata wrote:How is it that after 26 years of life I have yet to find some person who accepts me for who I am?
People see when you are witholding a part of yourself, and they perceive you as being withdrawn or disinterested. That's how it works for me, and I've been on both sides. You probably have as well. It's not about acceptance, it's more about not knowing what sort of interest is appropriate or invited.
If you think you need to hide a part of yourself to be accepted, the mixed signals will confuse people.
You don't need to accept depression as if it was a permanent condition. You feel depressed sometimes, that's all. It really is. You're not toxic. You are not your feelings.
Re: when you feel like you have nothing left
Hi fifthsonata
Wow. You have been really worn down by circumstances beyond your control. I did a PhD too with no scholarship and had to pay my own way through it and I know it's no picnic. I'm rooting for you.
Ryan
Wow. You have been really worn down by circumstances beyond your control. I did a PhD too with no scholarship and had to pay my own way through it and I know it's no picnic. I'm rooting for you.
Ryan